for those whose story is too horrible to hear

[Hopalong]

It is ghastly, Sea. Perfect word for that level of shock and hurt, when it sinks in.

I see so much progress in this for you:

Now, I think every once in awhile that I am lucky that he is gone. He feels very gone and not coming back. Furniture everything is gone. Yard still has stuff in it. No word from him.

Today is the first day that I did not cry.  Wow. My body still feels like it is in shock and I wake up in the morning and think, "Oh my God, the worst has really happened" but then I just keep going.

I hope you know that looking from the outside (and my own hindsight)...I can promise you wholeheartedly that you're on your way to better. You really are.

Be good to yourself this weekend. Be with good people. No punishing yourself, okay?

(((((Sea)))))

Hops

[seastorm]

thank you for your help. everyone of you brings a different perspecitve and a piece of the puzzle that I need to keep going.

I am going for Hospice Training this weekend. You may think oh no.   However, I think I will like the other people in the training. This is a way to meet people. They also train people in healing touch. I am not too sure about this but will try to keep an open mind. Touch is healing
I dont like my job and would like to work with people using counselling to help them heal. This is a start in that direction. If i cry through the whole thing then maybe it is too much for me right now.
I AM a caretaker of others.  A calling to service is not always a lemon suck. What I am trying to say is that if one is hit by a shark in the ocean one is not called codependent.  Or told to look into yourself for what brought you to be swimiming in the ocean.  There is very little eviidence that people who mate with narcissists are weak, muelling, passive masochists.  I don't plan to become bitter and vindictive. I want to be a part of making my community better. Hmmmmm pretty defensive stilll.........oh well.

Sea storm

[axa]

Sea,


Well done.  You are doing soooooooooooo great.  I think in those moments when you engage with someone else you give your head a rest from the abuse.  I think this is big stuff and am so pleased for you.

I go from being so grateful that Xn is gone to wondering if it really is over.  It is just so strange.  I think that time and gentleness in ourselves is our best hope.

I take your point about being hit by the shark in the ocean and not being codependant.  I feel this too in so far as nothing, nothing makes the abuse ok.  Nothing makes the pain and hurt and horror inflicted on us ok but for me I want to learn how to get out before I get beaten into the ground.  My T said that to me recently "you dont have to stay until you are sucked dry".... this is what I want to learn about.  I want to be strong and clear enough to scream NO the minute I feel the confusion.  I dont want people like that in my life.

Hope your training goes well.  I think there is healing for all of us in a lot of opportunities, be open and love.


Axa xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Hopalong]

Sea,

I don't think weak mewling victims are drawn to caring for the dying.

I think strong, compassionate, brave, open and curious people are.

It's a wonderful thing to do.

(Maybe in ten years you'd be more interested in playing chess or teaching botany. But now, your work is in grief, survival, and learning to find peace in reality.)

There's nothing more real than Hospice work. Good for you.

Hops

[debkor]

This is the ending of my story of the post I wrote about previously and was too tired to end.  I left off with him being locked up.


A.   When he got locked up he said, he lost his baby, he turned to drugs.He owed drug dealers and they were going to kill me if he didn't pay up. He robbed banks to protect me.  It is all a bunch of bullshit.  A made up story. He did the robbery cause he was nuts and thought he was above the law.
B.   Once again he was able to pull it off. He made everyone feel sorry for him with confusion of hiding who he really was. He made the sentencing judge struggle with a decision that the judge even opened with that sentence. His family bought him presents took him to lunch blah, blah.
C.   He hated me but had to put on the good face that he loved me or the public would see him for who he was.
D.   He went to jail and only served a 2 ½ sentence for good behavior.
E.   He did his time, came out was OK for about 2 years and held up another place.WE did not live together.
The police called me.  I went into the police station. They told me he had a BB gun. He was coming out and he pointed it at the police.  They almost shot him thinking it was a real gun. The police thought that maybe he wanted to be shot and they felt bad. He seemed to be a nice guy with a lot of problems.  I'm sure he told them his sad story.  I looked at the officer and said you should of shot him. The police officer said you shouldn't say that and I replied I just did and walked out.  Back to jail he went.  That is basically the end of the story with him.
I had no contact nor did my children.  I stopped all  letters coming in to my children.  They never read them.                                                                                 .

I heard that he came out of prison in 2001.  I never ever filed for child support.
I did a trade off.  He did not contact me or my kids.  I was not going to rock the boat and file so he could retaliate with wanting to see them.  I was waiting for the day my  kids would turn 18 and he could not force them to have visitation or contact in any manner.  They are now 20 and 22.  Shew.  Made it.

My kids are well rounded.  They are both in college and have a good head on their shoulders. We made it.  We all survived. 

Deb

[pennyplant]

Deb, You did all the right things.  It's interesting to me that law enforcement ought to see the truth behind what these creeps tell them.  But often enough it seems to me that there is some kind of enmeshment occurring between criminals and law enforcement.  Each seems to identify too closely with the other.  Can't really offer any good examples of what I mean at the moment.  Your story reminded me of that, though.  So, it seems to be a good example all on its own.

I'm glad you saved yourself and your children from him.

Pennyplant

[debkor]

PP, 

My ex was a FF.  He was civil service same as Police officers.  He held a heroic job as do the Police and anyone who saves lives.  I think the police were really innocent to his behavior. I don't think they knew what to think.  They really think that this poor bastard went over the edge. I guess anyone can get mu niplated. Most of the people I dealt with were decent Honorable people, I guess they had as much as a hard time as I did  digesting it.   

Love Deb

[seastorm]

Hi DebKor,

What a story.  I love the way you set your boundaries and that was that. It must have taken a lot of guts.
The police in my case were easily sucked in by N. He is a big, good looking , rough and funny guy.  Charming. He friggin charmed the police into taking me away. They were chatting up a storm. I guess this is the patriarchal system at work.
Personally, I found the lack of empathy from the police at the scene of the crime to be shockingly inadequate.  Later, one of the policemen was really sweet and confessed that he didn't fall for the BS but just went along with X to see how far he would go. He told me to go to victim services and get a lawyer.

It feels like revictimization to have the police cozying up to the offender.

Keep telling your story or any parts of its DebKor that are stuck and replaying in your head. Expiate those demons.

Lots of love,

Sea storm

[Debkor]

Sea,

It wasn't always like that.

I remember taking money out of my husbands pocket.
 I called the police when I was safe and said to get thim out.  They came and knocked on the door.  He said he was FF.  They told him to shut up and just leave.  They didn't have to, not right at that moment by law.  He told them I took money from him and he would not leave without it.  They came to my neighbor's and told me to give the money.  I said what money. Get him out. They said no.  I was becoming a nuisance to them. I said if you leave I will call you back.  I will let him hit me. I don't care what it takes get him out. They left.  I called them back.  This time they came with a Sargent.  I was not giving in. The Sargent went upstairs spoke to him found out he was a FF came down and told me to give him the money back.  I said what money? I needed that money cause it would be the last until I went to court.  The Sargent said look if you don't give the money back I will lock you up.  I gave in threw the money at him.  The police escorted me upstairs to get some stuff and I was leaving.  As I was going to my car in front of the Police officers. He yelled my name and hung my dog off the terrace. Right in front of them.  I said look, lock him up NOW.  They said they couldn't.  I left and went to my sisters hysterical.
She became enraged.  She took me to the police station.  As we were going up the Sargent was coming down.  He called my sister by name looked at me and said I did not know she was your sister and sent a car out right away.  See he learned I was Police Dept Family and the ballgame changed.  Otherwise if I would of kept my grounds and the money.  I would be sitting in jail that night.

Love Deb

[debkor]

Sea,

Listen to me.  I was labled when I was going through all this (before we found out he was a nut) except by my family and my friends.
I was the hysterical housewife.
Bitch
Nut
Over reacting
Trouble Maker
What ever they wanted to think or say about me.
They supported him.
When it all went down they cut him off. They turned their backs and they were afraid of me.  I knew too much about all of them.  Well not all.  Some were very good people.   
So Sea don’t sweat too much about your ex and what his friends and family think or say  about you.  You know the real deal.   Who cares what they think?  Only matters what you think. 

Love Deb

[seastorm]

Thanks Deb,

It is comforting to know that you understand the feeling of being slandered.
The police were very weird. They saw your X hand the dog over the railing.They knew he was out of control. Even though they helped you in the end it was because of your status and not because of the event.everything gets turned upside down.


All that name calling sounds horrid. I am so glad it is a distant memory. You have a lot of courage that is for sure.

Love,
Sea storm

[Hopalong]

Deb...

did your dog survive?
I hope so.

I'm so sorry for what you went through.

I hope you have pride in your survival and learning.

Those are large gifts that don't register much in the world,
but if we know, and we value...they are huge.

((((Deb))))

Hops

[debkor]

Hey Sea,

I don’t think I had courage in the beginning.  I just acted on what I had to so I could survive.  I blocked my thinking.  I  blocked thinking about him and how he was hurting me.  I realized he didn’t have power over me.  I gave it to him.  Now  how was I going to get power back?  I started planning.  That kicked in my courage.  My courage kicked in my self-esteem; my self-esteem kicked in my dignity and then came my power.   As far as being slandered.  I didn’t care who he was slandering me to, who would listen who would believe him cause they couldn’t hold a candle to my ass anyway.

Wouldn’t have been so much easier when the N’s started working their N stuff if we would of just given them a blank stare and said   Frankly my dear I don’t give a damn.
Now there was a major N Scarlet O’Hara.  



Hops,

Thank you.
My dog was fine.  He did not hurt her.   I would have killed him myself.   I wish she would of bit him.
Yes I have pride in my survival and learning.
I had to dig way deep at the time to get it back. It never left it just got a little buried. I dug deep and grabbed on to it and never will let it go again.
Love
 Deb

P.S.  It's frezzing here.  I need to move.

[axa]

DEb,

You are an inspiration.  I love that fiesty spirit of yours.  It is holding on to each little bit and I think knowing our own truth.  We must valicate our truth.  If we could have quoted Scarlet they would not have stayed around for a minute............ no supply.

holding on here too


Axa