The Great Plan

[axa]

Things are falling into place for me about XN.  Need to vent about this.

When I met XN he had not been in a relationship for a number of years.  This I think is true.  Xwife had left and he had young daughter on his own.  Lots of supply there, she had no one else.  Xn met me when D was coming into teenage years and puberty.  I now see there was a plan.  Calculated, cold and all worked out to his advantage.

The plan was he would give up his job, work abroad for several months of the year but he needed someone to look after his D.  He also needed someone to live in his house to comply with his insurance. 

He met me, groomed me beautifully, encouraged a relationship with his D which I thought was genuine.  Once I was hooked in with his D.  I was very angry always about how she was treated by her mother who had abandoned her.  He started to create problems in his job.  He had added a lot of money to his pension fund so he could retire early.  Of course he created the chaos, left the job with a good settlement and then decided to work abroad because he needed money to pay of his fancy house.  So off he went.  I was left with his D.  Which I was happy to do because I loved her but felt somehow I was just being used as an unpaid childminder and housekeeper.  When I stood up to this use he asked xwife to live in house and take care of D.  It was irrelevant who did the childminding etc as long as he could dump his D and go off on his travels.

He presumed that I would have been impressed by his material wealth and would have been happy to settle for that.  He did not figure that I wanted a relationshp....... an athema to the likes of him.  My T says that he bit off more than he could chew when he met me.  Also the fact that I was smart, independant, etc flattered his ego. 

I was just a piece in the puzzle of his plan but I did not fit.  He acknowleged that he had spent the last year punishing me for messing up his plans.  I think he had great difficulty distinguishing me from Xwife in many ways.  She has what she wants, no relationship, big house, car etc.

I find it disgusting the whole thing was so calculated.  I thought we cared about each other and were working towards having a life together, a relationship together but I was kept in the dark all the time.  No wonder things are making sense to me right now. 

God, the coldness of it all sends shivers down my spine.


Thanks for hearing

axa

[Gaining Strength]

((((((((((((((Axa)))))))))))))
I celebrate your vision that recognized the nefarious, devious nature of that man.
Many would have stayed much, much longer. - GS

[isittoolate]

((((((((((axa))))))))))

Feels good to vent among freinds.

Did you ever feel that he walked around with a secret?-- was maybe a bit mysterious?--- something likethat?

I did, and felt very left out, as if he had another life, but he didn't, just another self!

I just posted a poem on the Anything thread!

xx
Izzy

[axa]

Thanks guys,


Just remembered something during the summer we were having lunch at a restaurant when jokingly I said "I am going to leave you" his response was ok I have another plan anyway.  And I stayed for more after that.  Of course it was a joke ha ha ha

CB  It is the ruthlessness and coldness which is so chilling.  I have tried to explain to people the concept of another human being nothing more than supply or an object as is a chair/car/ect and they just dont get it.  But you get it and I get it and lots of the people here get it.  Again I want to say that I have met evil.

I am sooooooooooooooooooooo glad I do not have kids with him.  Though in the beginning he was very open to it.  I protested saying we did not know each other well enough THANK GOD I had some sense somewhere in me.

I am so sorry you have to have contact with him.  Sometimes I think about making a large glass jar and putting it around myself so that the Ns cannot penetrate.  I can see out, I can feel, but they cannot get through..

Issy,

In the beginning what struck me was how honest he was, everything was available, his email pass word, his mail, nothing was hidden.  I loved the safety of that never having to second guess.  What an actor.  One of the most seductive things for me is honesty.  Over a year ago I started to get feelings of anxiety like something was going on that I did not understand.  I kept pushing these feelings down.  Yes you are right the REAL SELF THE N was ready for action.  Behind the scenes he was scheming, planning, setting me up etc.  It was all being played out behind my back by the REAL N.  Thanks for posting this izzy.  the other self!!!!!

GS

OHHHHHHHHHHH thank you, teary here right now.

axa

[Hopalong]

This doesn't apply to all situations, but I remember the SINGLE most powerful healing I experienced after the worst N relationship in my life was when I chose to call up a few other women I knew he'd been involved with. Finding THREE people who understood exactly what I was so desperately needing to describe was amazing.

We formed a short-term but profound support group by phone and email and it was amazing. One woman in Canada had been in therapy for 4 years to try to get over this man, and after we talked she wrote me that for the first time, she was letting go.

We found things in common such as:
--same lies
--same GIFTS (ewwwww)
--same manipulations, etc.

We filled in so many blanks for each other that he lost his mystery and his power to keep us hanging by our yearnings.

I know that can't happen here, but in a sense, it can. It is!

Axa, we know this man. We've dated him. Some of us married him.
You are not alone and you're not crazy and you're moving on in your healing at the perfect pace.

hugs,
Hops