What Progress Have You Made?

[Gaining Strength]

Surprising ly I am having a hard time posting here and a hard time putting my progress into words.  But here is a first try.

I am FINALLY beginning to identify and heal the unconscious self-hatred and expectation of failure. 

I am able to identify what I need and to open my heart to it and find it.  For example - I needed validation and I went a got a computer and found this site and tuned in.

I am helaing inside out - physically with exercise and diet and spiritually and emotionally with prayer and sharing. 

I am identifying N behavior and FINALLY learning to not take it personally.

I am learning to implement my understanding that if I need love or patience or grace that I must give that.

And I am learning to feel and use my power.

Most significant on a day to day level I am learning to touch my fear and heal it with love.  That is changing my eveyday life in very real ways.
 
Through Voicelessness I have come to believe that I can have friends and relationshp and have developed a confidence about myself that has been present but overshadowed by my fears.

Thank you for this marvelous thread and thanks to all for the miraculous place.  It continues to give me indescribable hope, courage, inspiration and confidence to see REAL changes in my life day to day.  That is nothing less than a miracle and I am profoundly thankful.  - Gaining Strength

[Overcomer]

I have learned to stand up for myself.

I have learned to be more assertive.

I have learned to handle rejection.

I have learned I am too negative and need to replace my negativity with optimism.

I have learned that I am a good mom.

I have learned that I am smart.

I have learned that I am better than my nmom at what we do.

I have learned to be direct.

I am learning to like and love myself.

I am learning that I deserve good things in my life.

[pennyplant]

 My story is too shameful too talk about here.  I learned that.  Even so...the guilt I was choking on.....was not helping.....not proportional. 


((((((Sela))))))  I'm so sorry about this.


And even though very few people here know my story......I recieved so much support, so much kindness, so much encouragement, so much validation, so much caring......that it truly planted new seeds of joy in my heart, tiny wee hardshelled seeds, that softened up and have sprouted and grown and are now beginning to leaf up.  I'm truly feeling much happier again and looking forward to much joy!

And I'm so happy about this!!!

Love, Pennyplant

[pennyplant]

Wow, I so admire all you guys.  I feel like a slowpoke with my progress, BUT, I know it's okay to go at my own pace.  I have learned that and so much more here.  I truly cannot imagine what my life would be like now if I had never found this message board.  It makes me feel real hope instead of the false and fantastical hope I was addicted to my whole life.

Pennyplant

[Sela]

Thanks (((((((Penny)))))))

Sela

[moonlight52]

Stormy

Your rediscovery is my FRIST time discovery.................... 

2. Next best is having given myself permission to disengage without needing the other person - or anyone else in the vicinity, even - to understand what exactly I am doing and why. That simple decision snaps the 'hook' right off. People who want you enmeshed are always going to claim that they don't understand why you disengaged... that it isn't fair... that you're not giving them a chance... and it's malarkey, they just want you to stay within arm's reach so they can whap you around without having to strain anything to get to you.
 

This discovery includes understanding my self. I know now the only way for anyone to heal is to engage in healthy relationships that does not mean the "others" that you are not in contact with are bad or to blame for say my problems.  It is just no one can heal in unhealthy environments . This what codependency means.
I know what are the healthy relationships and the ones that are not....

Number 2. without the French Fries 
moon

[Gaining Strength]

It makes me feel real hope instead of the false and fantastical hope I was addicted to my whole life.

Me too and I can now distinguish between false hope (desparate hope, hoping for something but really fearing it wasn't possible) and genuine hope (hope that becomes a goal that I can actually work towards even if I'm not sure where to put my next step.) - GS

[pennyplant]

hope that becomes a goal that I can actually work towards even if I'm not sure where to put my next step.

Oh yes, I think this is where I am just now.  Step here, step there, step where, or not at all at the moment?  I'm not frozen but my head is kind of full and a little dizzy.  A mixture of residual fear and self-pity and untrustingness.  Mixed up with the new parts of I'm really okay and was okay the whole time.  Dammit.

One aspect of firming up inside and having done some real "becoming" is this very awkward stage of old mixed with new.

Today, I was gloomy, giddy, angry, sad, hurt, outgoing, funny, serious.... and that was all before lunch time.  I felt disrespected, cared for, betrayed, normal, pathetic, confident.  I spent some time in a car and thought I might let the sad-hurt part come to the surface but I didn't want to wreck my mascara before I had to get back to the office.  So, I sat with it and let it simmer.  Then came the normal-confident feelings.  It was a whirlwind of emotions.

Progress though.  For sure.  But hard to know where to step, right?

Keep going, that's the thing.

Pennyplant

[Hopalong]

PP,
You're amazing.

 

What a wonderful, lucid, alive voice you have.

(I think Tammy Faye Baker looks great when she cries. I'm serious! I'm actually very fond of her.)

((((PP))))

Hops

[pennyplant]

Thank you, (((((Hopsy))))).  I don't think I'm N or anything, but sometimes I just like to hear something good about myself.  Not all the time from everybody, but it feels good in the right dose!

This morning when I was at work (I've been on an assignment for about 5 weeks now and am at my regular job on Saturdays and every other Sunday) one of the guys who I consider a friend and a fine person, came in the door and did a double take when he saw I was there.  And he looked really happy to see me.  That felt good.  Especially in comparison to some of the behavior I witnessed in others.  Behavior that made me feel really disrespected and not valued.  It still just doesn't make sense to me that this place where I usually work does not value genuine contributions, hard work, good quality work, etc.  But for the most part that is how it is there.  The best workers and the finest people receive the least amount of respect and favor.  It's hurtful and counterproductive in my opinion.

So, to hear your kindness reminds me of how I felt this morning at work when someone I like and respect was glad to see me.  Something to hang onto when nothing else makes sense.  This board is very good for that kind of thing.

Pennyplant

[Gaining Strength]

I figured something out this week.  The way healing works for me is this. 

1)I figure out what is working against me, e.g. as a child, mistakes weren't allowed so if I got something right on a second or third try my success was ALWAYS met with, "yeah but don't forget what a lousy job you did the first time."  There was no getting past ANY mistake. 

2)Identify what is not working for me today. e.g. Not getting things handled in a timely matter or not getting them done at all.

3) Identify the emotions attached to the overall dread fealing that has plagued me my whole life and that stands in the way of progress.

4) Connect the dots between these three things.  Each time I do I am able to find a technique to work on that problem and overcome it.  And then I have to start again on another similar problem.

I have just done this with yet another huge issue.  Even though I have made progress that HORRIBLE dread feeling has not gone away.  It has lessened and is somewhat bearable but it is still there.  Then somehow I realized that the issue of always having any mistake I made drug up to put me down has been hugely responsible for the "paralysis" that dominated my life when I first came. And I developed an affirmation this week to address that DREAD each and every time it crops up.  It is working.  And I am thankful and will continue to apply it with patience until it is stronger than the DREAD.  This will really help me move from hiding from to bad to moving forward toward to good.

Each time I slip into barely conscious self-condemnation I start the affirmation and I feel the tension drop out of m shoulders and stomach.  It's is impossible to really describe how life altering this could be.  Hating who I am and how my life has been going has been a terrible way to live.  Feeling like a walking bundle of potential while completely impotent to access that potential has been demoralizing - to say the least.  Thanks for letting my post this here. iThis has been an issue of shame and grace.- Gaining Strength

[Stormchild]

((((((((((GS))))))))))

[debkor]

I learned that I was not at fault for abuse that was put onto me.
I have learned that I was at fault to let it go on further. 

I have learned that it felt easier to ignore my own feelings so I would not have to deal with my own down falls, my own weakness. 
I have learned it was OK to acknowledge that I have them.

I have learned that I set up my own destiny.
I have learned to change it.

I have learned it's OK to make mistakes.
I have learned to be very careful of not making the same.

I have learned that I need to grab onto a helping hand.
I have learned that I must also extend mine back.

I have learned that the majority of people are good.
I have learned that I have picked and embraced some that were not.

I have learned I am responsible for my own happiness.
I have learned I am not responsible for others.

I have learned to stand up for myself
I have learned to walk away.

I have learned there was always good in my life.
 I learned I sometimes chose the bad.

I have learned I get tired.  I have learned to rest.
I have learned not to shut down.

I have learned that I'm a lot tougher skinned then I though I was.

I have learned to listen to myself.

I have learned that I was listening to others but not really hearing them.

I have learned that trying to help other people when I should have let go was in a way trying to heal myself. 
I have learned to let go!

I am learning to heal.

I have learned I am growing as a person.

I have learned that I will always be learning.


Love Deb

[gratitude28]

CB... YOU ARE A GODDESS. Thank you for the pharmacy story!!!!!
Love, Beth

[gratitude28]

AXA!!!!!!!!
You are setting a great example for me!!!!!! When I see people here like you who have decided to make the chnages and grow, it spurs me on to do the same!!!
Thank you so much!!!
Love, Beth