Aren't Ns SOOOO Boring?

[Dazed1]

Hi All,

Since I've become aware of and begun to identify Ns, I realize they are so boring.

I just got off the phone with my sister, who I believe is an N.

For the last few weeks, I have become conscious that in 95% of our conversations, she only talks about herself.  I look at the clock to see how much time has elapsed because I will allow her no more than 10 minutes to drone on about herself and then I end the conversation.

A small torture. 

[Overcomer]

Here's my take on it.  If you are around Ns a lot, you will notice that they repeat the same words, same stories, over and over and over again.  Maybe my alcoholic h is a bit N because he is the most boring person in the world.  I have heard his stories so many times that I have gotten down right rude to him - YES, J, I HAVE HEARD THAT STORY A THOUSAND TIMES!!!  Then he says something like, "You always exaggerate..."

Nmom - the most redundant person - likes to hear herself talk.  She doesn't talk about herself that much - only what she (supposedly) knows!!!!  She loves people to think she is the smartest, best, etc......

[mudpuppy]

Aren't Ns SOOOO Boring?

I think they're kind of like the definition of war given by some dude who apparently knew whereof he spoke:

Long periods of intense boredom, punctuated by short periods of intense fright. 

mud

[Dazed1]

Oh, Kell,

Yes, you're right.  I forgot to mention how they repeat and repeat the same freakin story over and over. 

My sister's mental balance isn't great, so I gently say, "Yes, you mentioned that", "Yes, you said that". I feel like shouting "I already heard this story 5 times, please, no more".

This repetition of the same story is also what makes them SOOOOOOO boring.

And, usually, the N does not take the subtle hint that you're tired of hearing about them and tired of them repeating the same story.

If I try to change the conversation and talk about another topic (a topic other than N), the conversation always find it's way back to the N talking about him/herself.

Kell, I think you're right:  Ns truly like, no love, the sound of their own voice.

It's like Ns are incapable of having an interesting interactive conversation, so they drone on in an egocentric monologue.

dazed

[Dazed1]

Oh Mud,

You're a scream!! 

Intense Fright is right:  I should feel blessed when my N sister goes into one of her repetitious monologues, because it's like listening to Chopin compared to having her rage at me.

My choices: repetitious egocentric monologues or rages.

dazed

[debkor]

OMG yes they bore me to death.  I have been on the phone with my friend put it down, vacuumed came back caught some of the previous, day, month, year same conversation over and over said uh-huh like I was listening the whole time.  Put the phone down again or let it hang on my neck some more uh-huh’s cleaned kitchen, bathroom, hell I even have painted sometimes.  All they needed me to say was uh-huh oh and everynow and then I would throw in Ya I’m listening. 

Hmm maybe we could start our own Company.  Open up  an 800 number for N’s although we could not say N’s we would have to disguise the name so it would be attractive to them.  Maybe don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful or one of my favorite lines from the rugrats, I wish I was you just so I could be friends with me.
We could sit at home say uh-huh, ya, I’m listening  get rich (cause you know how long they can talk)and get our houses cleaned at the same time.  Sorry just having a little fun with it.  Sometimes we need to laugh. 

Deb

[kell as guest]

I remember my husband drinking too much and calling me and blathering On and on about nothing and I would do the same thing, walk away and come back and he didnt even notice.  Boring!

[Dazed1]

Debkor & Kell,

Yes, it's amazing how you can put down the phone, walk away, do chores, clean, paint, etc and the N just blathers on!! 

Right debkor, just record some "uh-huhs" on cd (tape? MP3?), play them into the phone and then go take a bath for 20 minutes! 

Our "uh-huh" responses satisfy the N because the N doesn't care what we have to say.  (Voiceless again?!)  We are merely supply to the N. 

Often, when I used to speak truthfully to an N, the N would play the script, the game of "yes, but....". 

Before I knew about Nism and an N went into monologue mode describing their latest problem,  I would respond with a possible solution and then, the N  would start the "I can't do that" or "that won't work" script for another 10 minutes.

Now, when an N talks to me about their problems, I won't suggest solutions because it's codependent of me and the N will argue with me about why my suggestion won't work.  Such a waste of time and energy.  Been there, done that, never again.

Oh Moonie, so sorry about their threats and even mocking your children!!  Yet, when you realize the full dimension of Nism, nothing surprises me.

When an N wants to hurt you, LOOK OUT!!  They are the masters of hurt.  They say things (whether true or not) solely to hurt you and they know how to injure and re-injure our sore spots.

I'm glad you can now find the humor and are less fearful. 

My attitude toward Ns now:  Via con Dios and adios.

dazed

[Hopalong]

Now, when an N talks to me about their problems, I won't suggest solutions because it's codependent of me and the N will argue with me about why my suggestion won't work.  Such a waste of time and energy.  Been there, done that, never again.

Hi Dazed...
You just REALLY helped me with a little thing that's drained me in a big way. Thank you!

Mom talks to me so often about how her walking isn't what it's supposed to be, her poor balance.
I've talked myself blue in the face for a year encouraging her to take advantage of every sunny morning to take a little walk with her morning companion, or to sit on the exercise bike, or try to eat less...

I've run into a wall of yes, but. And you're completely right. My efforts to motivate her have been CoD as all heck! Duh. Can't believe I never named it for what it is.

I feel relief.

gratefully,
Hops

[Overcomer]

Oh that reminds me of me telling my mom she needs to go see a doctor about what I think is the first stages of Alzheimer's.  Well, I got more than a "yes, but....."  I got an extremely vicious fight.  She came out with both claws out.   Never point out a N's week points.................they hate that!

[Dazed1]

Hi Hops,

So cool to put a name to the phenomenon.  We want to help our Nmoms because we love them, but they're Ns!!!!!!  A leopard and its spots.

Kell,
I've had yes buts lead to vicious fights also and that's why I don't play the game no more.

dazed

[Bones]

Oh that reminds me of me telling my mom she needs to go see a doctor about what I think is the first stages of Alzheimer's.  Well, I got more than a "yes, but....."  I got an extremely vicious fight.  She came out with both claws out.   Never point out a N's weak points.................they hate that!

((((((((((((Kell)))))))))))))))))))))))))

If it is the first stages of Alzheimer's with your Nmom, then time will be on your side, Kell.  Eventually, she will no longer be able to take care of herself.  You may be lucky enough that the disease will change her personality as it can sometimes do.  (I've observed this with a friend's mother who has Alzheimer's.  She does have her moments!)  All you can do, for now, is to detach with love and take a "wait and see" stance.  Time will tell.

Bones

[Stormchild]

Here's an article on the "Help-Rejecting Complainer". It's written from the perspective of a healthcare professional, so there's a LOT of useful perspective here. Edit in: it gets sociopolitical towards the end, and thus no longer relevant here, but the first part is solid gold.

http://shrinkwrapped.blogs.com/blog/2005/09/hostile_depende.html

[Overcomer]

I'm going to go to that link as soon as I get done posting here..........................The extremely boring N.  The above inpunity  N.  The "don't tell me what to do/what's wrong with me" N.  My hopes are that with time my nmom will get better but what scares me is that she will get worse.  He redundancy has gotten worse over the years.  Her cliches and well worn verbage gets more use.  Her paranoia and lack of trust gets worse.  So from my perspective, she will get worse before she will get better.  That is why (Lord willing) when I get my new job I will remove myself from her day in and day out delusions.  I won't be hypersensitive to her.  I believe that my close proximity to her makes all this so much worse.  I can deal with her presence if it isn't in my face.  She gets to be in charge because of work and that wouldn't be so bad if she made good choices.  That was what my dream was about.  She hired 12 high paid employees and I just raged at her!!!!  Oh, well, maybe the rage will diminish with lessened contact.

[Overcomer]

OK, Storm, this is scary.  I went to that link and I am that person.  I went to a doctor (with my nmom's urging) to get my hormones and life under control with bioidentical hormones etc.  This woman instinctively understood my predicament with my nmom.  She was very helpful.  But after going to her for two years and gained weight and constantly complaining, that was when she told me to read the Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer and told me that my negative energy was overwhelming.  She said I needed to start saying positive things OUT LOUD to counter my negativity.  I think she got sick of my complaining.  Yes, she understood that I was immersed in a bad situation but continued to wallow in the pain of it because I got some sort of validation from HER!!  So I suggest to myself that when I go back, I am a lot better!!  I am making strides but continually find myself complaining.  Although I just read a couple of chapters out of two books and I realized I was past all that and didn't need to keep readdressing my issues.  One of the books was Approval Addicition by Joyce and the other was If You Had Controlling Parents by Neuharth.....