Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
narcisism?
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seeker:
Hi c.j.
--- Quote ---I also have a probem with the prospect of being disliked by people, by anyone, like everyone has to like me, because I can't deal with not being liked by people.
--- End quote ---
Yikes, welcome to the club! I have a horrible time with this as well. I am currently working on me liking myself, finding things to appreciate about myself without regard for other people's opinions. This is very difficult!
The other thing I have only recently grasped is when someone takes an "instant" dislike to me, it really has more to do with where their head is at. I mean it! I know, I used to tell myself that to just to make myself feel better. But now I realize it really is true! Especially now that I am informed about narcissism.
Some people (poor things) feel truly endangered by anyone who is different from them (I'm a different looking sort of person). I must be avoided as though I were going to contaminate their world. It used to make me feel pretty lousy. Now I think they're the ones missing out on a whole lot of life!
And then there are others who feel competitive if you are the same or interested in the same things! I must be eliminated or "taken down" so they are on top and do not feel threatened. I used to think I had failed if I didn't "win them over". I needed their approval. Now I think the super-competitive ones are positively insane. And many of them are angry. Now I save my energy. I don't stop what I am interested in so that they can feel comfortable.
I also try not to condemn these folks too much, because they, too, have a lot of baggage. I realize that they probably are carrying around a lifetime of criticism. I look at these rejections now as "incompatibility" when I am in a good frame of mind.
Hope this helps a little. Do something you like just for today and tell yourself you are worth it. Because you are. Just for being here. :) Best,Seeker
Anonymous:
Hi c.j. :D
I don't think there's too much wrong with you that a different life and healthier parenting wouldn't have fixed. Your childhood situation could only produce problems which at some time were going to need attending to. And you know who's gonna have to do it now, don't you? :lol: :lol:
Unfortunately there's no fairy godmother gonna come down and wave her magic wand and change your life. That's what I finally realised about the crap setup and start I had. :cry: :cry: :cry:
Your gonna have to take the bull by the horns and turn this *#@* pile of shit you've been handed, called your past, and use the knowledge from it to change your future. I'm so glad you're young. Only 30. It seems old maybe to you, but in some cultures you're still a youth. Or ute as some say. I didn't start fixing my pathetic situation and head till I was about your age, and married with children. You're lucky, you only have to focus on you, with no distractions.
And the texas chainsaw thing, as a child I saw every animal on our isolated farmlet slaughtered by my father who flipped out. I remember it like yesterday, hiding in the trees under a big black umbrella with my mother, watching him from a distance. He took a machete to every chook, goose, rabbit, duck, dog cat you name it. Went mad and chopped them up then threw the carcases down the well. My mother had to hide us because she thought he'd gone so far that he wouldn't be able to tell the difference between a child or animal.
I hope that's not too gory to share here. I can't watch gore at all, I run out of the room. I don't think I have shared that story here, even my spouse or kids don't know that one. But I tell it to you c.j to say to you, my completely insane beginnings have pretty much been put to rest. And if it can happen for me I think it can happen for anyone. At one time in my life I had such serious depression and depersonalisation that I thought that was me. I thought that was who I was. But it wasn't me, it was merely side-effects of a totally putrid childhood that sent my head into outerspace, into orbit.
The hiding silenced child in me has slowly come out, like Boo in "To Kill A Mockingbird," and is getting better. But I had to get determined. I never would have believed once that I could hold down a job, let alone raise a family, run a business and have good friends. But I have and I do. It's called making a life for yourself. You are the potter. You are in control.
You sound okay to me, :D just have to get rid of, or learn to control those powerless ghosts of the past. Even therapy and the odd bit of medication can help. Building your life happens little by little. Try to do something slightly mildly different each day. Talk to one new person, even at the cash register when you're shopping. Other advice above, enrol in a class for fun, don't bother about the exams if the pressures too much. That's what I did.
Line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little there a little. Slowly you start building a life. It takes time, but believe me it's worth it, and you absolutely positively definitely deserve it. People will help you. You'll be surprised. Have a good life c.j you deserve it.
Guest
Flo:
Hello, c.j. and welcome. I am pretty new here myself.
Hey, I think you might enjoy reading a book some of us here recommend. It is called **Trapped in the Mirror: Adult children of narcissists in their struggle for self** and it's by Elan Golomb, Ph.D.
Although I am not clearly able to identify my parents -- one or both of them -- as narcissists, the results of my upbringing ring true to so much of what is described in the book. I can really relate.
And the behavior of my parents, and how the relate/d to us kids and to each other is so similar to MUCH of what is in Dr. Golomb's book.
I find the book extremely useful, and easy reading, too.
I live in the USA, btw. And I've never been a woman interested in men with money. I don't own a car, and avoid men who do, for one thing. I never wanted to learn to drive, but my dad forced me to when I was 16. I finally bought a car (from him) when I was 26 and owned cars till I was in my 50s. I sold my car about 7 y ears ago, and have never looked back. I was so happy to meet my sweetheart -- who doesn't own a car anymore either!!!!! He is 74, and I am 62 y/o. My dad died 4 years ago at age 86, and he and Mother (particularly my dad) made me very dependent on their money and support.
c.j., you say, if I read you rightly, that you are living with your parents. I think the bravest, wisest and also a very difficult thing, would be for you to earn money and get your own apartment. A person is not an adult till they are self supporting. Do you think your mother needs you as emotional support of some sort for her? My dad was very, very emotionally dependent on me. He "bought" my affection by giving me money. Could it be that your parents are buying your affection by giving you a place to stay? This weakens you, and makes you feel small and unworthy. I think this is likely in your case, anyway. It sure was in my own case! My parents did their best to infantilize me, keeping me weak, causing me to believe I was inept at anything practical that would make me able to support myself financially. Dr. Golomb's book talks A LOT about this -- she says that anything the adult child of a narcissist does to live independently -- to BE a separate person from the parent -- is considered treason! Does this sound familiar? You don't need to answer this, but it is something to consider, anyway, I'd guess.
Flo
Flo
Flo:
c.j. There are places to work that are acceptable to bright, creative people like yourself and me. It is a matter of discovering them. Hang out here and people can give you ideas. I know I can -- tell us your interests and I/we can brainstorm about ways for you to find work that is meaningful to you, where you will likely be able to find satisfaction, and not want "out" quick!!!
I had terrible problems with "jobs." I had no problems finding jobs, when the economy was reasonably okay. But I could not keep the jobs I got, due to personality conflicts, and boredom or finding ethical conflicts, etc. I think this is typical of many people who came from some types of homes. I have an intuitive feeling you may have this problem? Could I be at least somewhat correct in this feeling of why you are not working now? Stick around here and maybe we can assist you in pulling your financial situation together and getting out on your own. Not to be rich, but to be your own man.
Flo
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