Hi c.j.
I don't think there's too much wrong with you that a different life and healthier parenting wouldn't have fixed. Your childhood situation could only produce problems which at some time were going to need attending to. And you know who's gonna have to do it now, don't you?
Unfortunately there's no fairy godmother gonna come down and wave her magic wand and change your life. That's what I finally realised about the crap setup and start I had.
Your gonna have to take the bull by the horns and turn this *#@* pile of shit you've been handed, called your past, and use the knowledge from it to change your future. I'm so glad you're young. Only 30. It seems old maybe to you, but in some cultures you're still a youth. Or ute as some say. I didn't start fixing my pathetic situation and head till I was about your age, and married with children. You're lucky, you only have to focus on you, with no distractions.
And the texas chainsaw thing, as a child I saw every animal on our isolated farmlet slaughtered by my father who flipped out. I remember it like yesterday, hiding in the trees under a big black umbrella with my mother, watching him from a distance. He took a machete to every chook, goose, rabbit, duck, dog cat you name it. Went mad and chopped them up then threw the carcases down the well. My mother had to hide us because she thought he'd gone so far that he wouldn't be able to tell the difference between a child or animal.
I hope that's not too gory to share here. I can't watch gore at all, I run out of the room. I don't think I have shared that story here, even my spouse or kids don't know that one. But I tell it to you c.j to say to you, my completely insane beginnings have pretty much been put to rest. And if it can happen for me I think it can happen for anyone. At one time in my life I had such serious depression and depersonalisation that I thought that was me. I thought that was who I was. But it wasn't me, it was merely side-effects of a totally putrid childhood that sent my head into outerspace, into orbit.
The hiding silenced child in me has slowly come out, like Boo in "To Kill A Mockingbird," and is getting better. But I had to get determined. I never would have believed once that I could hold down a job, let alone raise a family, run a business and have good friends. But I have and I do. It's called making a life for yourself. You are the potter. You are in control.
You sound okay to me,
just have to get rid of, or learn to control those powerless ghosts of the past. Even therapy and the odd bit of medication can help. Building your life happens little by little. Try to do something slightly mildly different each day. Talk to one new person, even at the cash register when you're shopping. Other advice above, enrol in a class for fun, don't bother about the exams if the pressures too much. That's what I did.
Line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little there a little. Slowly you start building a life. It takes time, but believe me it's worth it, and you absolutely positively definitely deserve it. People will help you. You'll be surprised. Have a good life c.j you deserve it.
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