Why has it taken so long?

[Leah]

Today, once again I have been asked the question as to why it has taken so long to 'get over' and 'move on' as they say, from what happened to me four years ago, when my whole life was devastated by final betrayal and lies, and totally crumbled.

So I felt really guilty for having taken so long to find myself, as I was left feeling lost.

There is no quick fix method available for what we each of us have to work through.          (N's just would not put the effort in)

After a lifetime of abuse from, Nmother, siblings, and my husband during my lifetime marriage in excess of 20 years.

First off, I went into shock, then numbness that seemed to last forever, then flashbacks and replay.  Add to that ending my life long marriage, with N playing his suicide threat trump card to prevent it - rescued by myself, and again, no support whatsoever.  The list goes on, to include my divorce action.

So I sat down and listed the areas of my entire life, that I have had to come to terms with, and work through, asking the question why? 

Searching to find some reason and understanding, with the hope of overcoming each area, and finding healing and restoration - with real hope.

The list of areas in my life that i have had to work through .....
 
Overcome the effect of abusive behavior

Overcome the effect of neglect

Overcome the effect of invisibility

Overcome the effect of violation of boundaries

Overcome the effect of disassociation of feelings

Overcome the effect of having been raised in a dysfunctional, sick and emotionally unhealthy family

Overcome the effect of being over-criticized

Overcome the effect of separation and loss  

Overcome the effect of being unloved

Overcome the effect of betrayal

Overcome the loss of hopes and dreams  

Overcome the realization of unhealthy relationships    

Overcome the feelings of loss of confidence and low self-esteem  

Overcome the effect of No Contact

Overcome the effect of being Re-victimized by those unaware of Nism behavior

And I am sure that there are other areas of my life and being, that I have missed off the list, and, there is still some work-in-progress - in particular, the final one, which almost destroyed me ......

Overcome the devastating, continuing effect of Character Assassination and damage to health and career

Overcome the continuing anguish caused by assumption and presumption

Overcome the reality and disappointment of spiritual abuse

So, a twelve week quick fix programme was never an option as I was pushed into an abyss of despair and desperation.

Yes, it has taken 4 years, to wade through 40 years.

Broken heart, loss and grief, with shattered hope and dreams.

Without all the resources on-line, I would have remained completely lost in limbo, unable to find any answers, and so I am very thankful and grateful to all those who have created and maintained, contributed to, valuable sites such as this.

Leah


Edit:  Most likely will delete this, as looking at it now, looks like I am boasting or something ....... feeling guilty again!  That said, it was therapeutic yesterday after hearing my friend railroad me for not forgetting it and moving on.

[seastorm]

Dear Leah,

I would not be asking you why it took you so long. I would wonder how you got throught it at all.
Your list reminds me of how much struggle and devotion to growing, and fighting to put one foot in the other without even faith to push you on. Four years is just fine. Even at that you can still feel pain and be human.

That is a great list.

Sea storm

[pennyplant]

Yes, Leah, your list helps me for one.  Also, would like to add that the items to overcome were done to us over a lifetime.  Compared to decades, four years doesn't seem too long at all.  For me, it seems like I have been actively working on these issues since January 2001.  So, that is six years.  And I purposely chose to move back to the Nest of Ns, my hometown, in 1994.  So, my idea to work on this stuff was born over 12 years ago.  Finding this message board probably shaved a few years off the whole process.  If I hadn't found it, I'd be struggling mightily to even know what words to use for what has been happening for so long now.

[Leah]

Have to say that without my personal faith in Christ, I would never have made it, together with being identified by others, as a resilient person.

But it was a struggle through the many times of utter loneliness and despair.

Presently, I am reading a book by Beth Moore entitled "Breaking Free" making liberty in Christ a reality in life.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.

Now I know for sure that I am truly free from the chains of bondage handed down to me in my inheritance.

Looking forward with real Hope, walking in Light, to something that I never had before, a Life.

My love to you all,

Leah

[pennyplant]

"It is for Freedom that Christ has set us free"

I have never heard anything like this before.  It gives me something new to think about.

[Leah]

Leah is not my real name.

Four years ago I sort of adopted the nickname Leah after reading of 'Leah the Unloved' and realised similarities with my life.

Leah's husband Jacob did not love her (Jacob had been tricked into marrying Leah, by Leah's Father)

Jacob was in love with Leah's beautiful younger sister Rachel.  [my h  became obsessed with my beautiful younger sister]

Leah did not receive love, and neither did I.

The sacred text mentions Leah's eyes because these were her sole attractive aspect, as are mine.

[Hopalong]

Dear Leah,

...Leah's eyes because these were her sole attractive aspect, as are mine.

I
do
NOT
believe
this
is
true

Please. Look at your hair. Your wrist. Your navel. A breast. A calf. An ankle. A finger or toe.
A smile. A laugh.

Look at it the way someone curious and creative and unconventional would look at it. An artist.
Don't you see beauty?

I do.

Hops

[Leah]

Thank you Hops

Bless you

Leah

[Leah]

" When I am afraid, I will trust in Him "  Psalm 56:3


Leah  (Loved by God)


Determined to walk in blessed assurance, with healthy boundaries and equipped with my N detector  ... my future is bright and filled with real Hope


Thank you kind friends

[Leah]

Along my journey of life, I chose Joy instead of Sorrow,

Laughter instead of Tears,

when the arrows pierced my heart.

Open hearted and sensitive,

Love always, never hate,

understanding 'why' at last, now my new life will start.


Leah

(written from my heart whilst holding my Rainbow of promise with real hope)

[Leah]

"not a poet and I know it!" 

            Leah 

[Gaining Strength]

I love your rainbow and I love your poetry.

I have struggled for 5 1/2 years. It is frustrating to me but I am getting on my feet as fast as I can.  I know that.
I wouldn't suggest you give up your friend who cannot understand what you are going through but perhaps you can  reshape your boundary with her so that she is less aware of your struggles and has less opportunity to make a comment out of ignorance and lack of empathy. Find a way to protect yourself a little from her unkindness. - your friend - Gaining Strength

[Leah]

GS,

Find a way to protect yourself a little from her unkindness

Thank you for your kind words, and advice, yes you are right, I am going to have to think of a way to do this.

your friend,

Leah

[gratitude28]

Leah,
PLEASE don't ever delete this post!!! It was sooooo helpful to see all that spelled out. I sometimes wonder how I can still be upset and struggling. But with your post I SEE why and you are so right. Thank you so much for the great validation. I hope you see it as clearly when it is laid out in front of you in bold letters.
You are a survivor and strong and we can only move forward. Also, it is nice to be one of the people who WANTS to make a change for the better.
Love, Beth

[Leah]

Thanks Beth,

You are right, it is only when I go back and look at the list in bold, that I realise just how much hard work and dedication we all of us actually put into every stage - and that it takes time, as we need to breathe now and again.

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement, really makes a difference.

Together, we will survive and move forward, onwards and upwards as they say!

Love & blessings,

Leah