Working stuff out - boring thread

[pennyplant]

how do you claim the part that you are rejecting?

Maybe just sit with it.  Really hard, though.  I hate that creepy, crawly feeling I get when I'm acknowledging the "bad" parts of me.  And thinking that everyone can see that about me and is hating me for it.  But you know what?  I think people don't hate you for that.  They probably don't even see the thing about you that you're struggling with.  They may see the discomfort.  That could be the off-putting thing.  And I'm probably really talking about me here.  But this thread is speaking to me on several levels, GS.  At the right time too.

[pennyplant]

I have learned in recovery that this irritability is actually a good thing and a sign that you are getting ready to break through a new barrier. When you make progress, you get used to it and then you need some time for your psyche to "catch up" as it were and make the adjustment part of you...

Beth, this is so good to know.  And isn't it a little like with our kids?  At certain ages, they are getting ready for their next developmental step and start acting really, really naughty and miserable.  They must feel all mixed up inside until they incorporate the new knowledge/abilities.  We kind of expect kids to be "naughty" and acting out.  It's allowed on some level, or should be at any rate.  We adults just have to sit with it.  Or should.  Temper tantrums at work just aren't very attractive  !  And I should know!

[pennyplant]

Dazed, thanks for the information on co-dependent entitlement.  That nails it for me.  What I really, really want is healthy mutuality, healthy boundaries, and meeting healthy needs in a healthy way.  But I recognize myself in your words.  So, I'm not quite there yet.  I'm on the yucky part of that particular journey.  I wish I could do it without witnesses!  But actually, part of becoming human is to do so in company with other members of society.  A catch-22.  Maybe I just need a kinder, healthier audience.  A cheering section of sorts.  Like what we have here.  Or maybe I just need to stop projecting my internal judge and jury onto other people.

Pennyplant

[Gaining Strength]

Thanks Gratitude - I have come to recognize that pattern.  It is remarkable how unpleasant it is even knowing that it is a precursor to some important growth.  Thank you for your post - it is ncouraging. - your friend - Gaining Strength

[Hopalong]

Morning, GS:
Your initial post is still so meaningful to me. Thanks for this:

I have finally come to see that she does not intend what she does and is unaware of much of it.  It has to do with feeling powerless and that can be changed be changing my attitude.    My powerlessness runs incredibly deep.  I think that I am unconsciously holding on to the powerlessness out of some kind of fear.  It is somehow attached to loneliness and some strange desire for pity.  These things will not help me.  I must let go of them. 

As I write, I have no clue how I will get out of this but I know that my desire to do so is a start and by airing this weakness is a good step.  For some strange reason I want someone to reach out to me and help but it is the story of the caterpillar turning into the butterfly - any assistance will damage the process.

I think that loneliness is not something to let go of, but to use as energy. That lonely energy can bring you into community, build friendships. I think you are just trying to connect, to experience friendship but without dependency. So I don't think loneliness is your enemy. The fear is just fear, and dependency has never made you happy. (Talking to myself again...but this is how I'm trying to reframe these exact questions.)

I'm beginning to see how much vital energy that could've been used to make order in my life has gone instead into chasing my loneliness and fear, running after them, thinking, if I don't have you then I just have...peace. I don't know what to do with peace. If I had a serene, uncluttered room, for example, or a simple filing system that I maintained in 10-15 minutes a day....all this TIME would open up. And then what would I do? I might actually want to work on my novel then. And if I did work on my novel, then it might not be perfect. Or worse, I might even finish it. And then if I finish it I'd need to get an agent. And still it might not get published. Or it might get published and get a bad review. Or it might be published and be really good, and then I'd be expected to write another. ETC.

Much easier to keep tossing my papers into piles I can worry about in a lonely way. Come here, fear! Come here loneliness! You're kind of mean and have bad breath, but I know you.

Hmmmm.

Hops

[Gaining Strength]

I saw my therapist today and was able to connect some of the most significant pieces.  I want to try to get it out on paper and cement it into my mind. 

I am working out that "victim - perfectionism" dynamic.  I told a story of when I was about seven and my family was at our river house.  We had a lizard box - somewhat like a large cricket box.  I was playing with our prisoner when he bit the end of my finger as thought he was going to swallow it.  It was painful and scared me but the greater dilemma was getting him back in the box without arousing anyone's attention because I would be severely punished if he got away and humiliated if I cried or could not remedy the situation by myself.  My mother still thinks it is funny that when I was discovered with the lizard attached to my finger that I said nothing was wrong.  She is clueless to the powerlessness I was constrained by.

What I finally get is that my father was criticized no matter what he did and developed crippling perfectionism and he conveyed that to me.    Mistakes were not allowed and if discovered were punished by humiliation  where a functioning, loving family would have provided correction and an opportunity to get it correct.  A functioning family would see a mistake as a learning opportunity and give the support and encouragement necessary to try again.

My father was bound in moral perfectionism as well.  Anything we did that was a blight on him was squelched but as an N he did not want us to surpass him and so anything that we might achieve in he pulled the resources on.  My mother on the other hand named me after herself and used me as a sort of "voodoo doll" to project her own  self-hatred onto.  She didn't do anything constructive with her time and so whatever I chose to do she would undermine me attempts to get involved in anything.  She refused to drive me to afterschool activities though my brothers afternoons were filled with sports and scouting and she refused to let me sew or garden or cook because I "would just make a mess."  Never mind that we had two full-time maids and a full time yardman.  No matter how small I made myself she would find something to criticize.  I was trapped.  The only way out was to get involved in something that her friends' children were doing.  That was the only way out. 

Each time that I have called attention to myself - either in a negative or a positive way, I have payed a price for it.  Consequently, I eventually shut down.  I have been waiting for permission to go ahead and do something, permission to make a living, permission to move forward.  but that permission will never come because my moving forward would threaten both of my parents who are victims in their own rights and who need a "poor me" status.  And the concepts touched on the the "Bad Mother Taboo" thread get to why this "victim" role is so powerful.  Because society will not acknowledge that mothers and fathers could ever, would ever refuse to help, refuse to encourage, refuse to cheer on their offspring - UNLESS they were sociopaths or ne'er do wells or outcasts. 

I was isolated and humiliated in my family.  When times were difficult the isolation and humiliation were greatest.  When I struck out on my own I was sabotaged.  Now I am trying once again to strike out on my own and start a small business.  I am tuning into my mother's subconscious passive-aggressive sabotage and I am holding back.  And that goes to part of the extraordinary loneliness. It is the double bind that I grew up in - the people I needed for survival are the people who will make sure I fail.  They have kept this in order by keeping their money to themselves.  The irony is that both of my parents are living on money that they inherited but if they gave me money to live on they would lose their power to control.  And if they didn't sabotage me they would lose their power to control. 

My late husband did the same things.  He wasn't so much N as Borderline but he had this driving need to destroy me and if I did well at something and was recognized he would actually rage and belittle me.  It is so shame inducing because we all need validation and when the people we love pull the rug out from underneath us it seems as though we must deserve it.  That fallacy is one of the tangled roots of my struggle.  If this is what the people closest to me do then what will others do? 

I took the shame and blame and wore it as a crown.  And now I want to take it off but I see things I have done and failings that seem to earn that shame.  But all of that is a moral judgment and the way out is to stop judging others, to step forward and to move on from here.  This is painful and it is frightening. 

[Dazed1]

(((((((((((((((((((((GS)))))))))))))))))))),

Wow, there's so much in that post, don't have time to digest it all right now.

But, sounds like you made a break through, eventhough the break through is very, very painful, frightening and hard to face, hard to accept.

Sounds like you're facing the truth and the truth is painful, hard to accept, we've avoided the pain of facing the truth by hiding in denial.  But, we can no longer take the denial because the denial is killing us.

So the truth, despite our pain and fear, is good. 

As we process the truth, we can move on and try to do the things that fulfill our needs (needs that haven't been met due to the denial) and then maybe find "happiness".

The realizatiions discovered in your therapy session sound MAJOR.  Very happy fpr you.

LOve,
dazed

[pennyplant]

Terrific, GS.  It seems like you have the major pieces here.  You've named the unnameable.  And nothing blew up.  You're still here and they're still here.  It makes so much sense.

Pennyplant

[Leah]

My late husband did the same things.  He wasn't so much N as Borderline but he had this driving need to destroy me and if I did well at something and was recognized he would actually rage and belittle me.  It is so shame inducing because we all need validation and when the people we love pull the rug out from underneath us it seems as though we must deserve it.  That fallacy is one of the tangled roots of my struggle.  If this is what the people closest to me do then what will others do? 

(((Gaining Strength)))

You really have done so well today with valuable insight and precious validation.  Well done.

My heart truly goes out to you regarding the effect from having the rug pulled out from you, by those closest to you.


Think that's why we procrastinate, hold back, delay ...... from allowing ourselves to trust again, even on a very basic level

our intuition, our emotions, and interaction with others.


Procrastination is our protection, from any further trauma in our lives, which may be incurred by interaction with absolutely anyone at any level.

((Leah))

[Gaining Strength]

OK - I am getting it.  Now I know what procrastination is - it is my protection OR it WAS my protection and now it causes me harm.  I must push through procrastination as though doing so is a kind of physical therapy.  It may hurt. It may hurt alot. But unless I do it I will not gain the use of my injured limb. 

Such pain should actually give me a kind of peace when it is over.  I am going to try to work with this.  If I tie this in with the piece that Dazed just posted about cutting ties with Mom then I think I can keep my focus on the end rather than on the pain along the way.  I think I am getting this.  I am going to practise this today and then put down a plan to get through some mess created since my husband's death. = Thanks - your friend - Gaining Strength

[Leah]

(((GS)))

I really do believe that a door has opened for you, and, now is the right time for you.

Won't be easy and yes it may hurt, but it will be worth it, as you gain peace and joy.

You can do it, and you are not alone.

((Leah))

[gratitude28]

WOW, GS,
You just brought up a memory for me that is completely like your lizard box story. When I read your story, I froze and I wasn't sure why.
One of my mother's favorite stories is that I was about three and did something wrong and she couldn't find me because I was in my room "punishing myself." Now doesn't that just show you how early I was a mess????
Wow, I need to think about this and reread your story and post.
Love, Beth

[gratitude28]

She refused to drive me to afterschool activities though my brothers afternoons were filled with sports and scouting and she refused to let me sew or garden or cook because I "would just make a mess."  Never mind that we had two full-time maids and a full time yardman.  No matter how small I made myself she would find something to criticize.  I was trapped.  The only way out was to get involved in something that her friends' children were doing.  That was the only way out. 

This was also the same for me. It was a damned if I do/damned if I don't sort of thing. Her house was a pigsty, but I couldn't make a mess. Driving me anywhere was such a pain that I quit every sport I ever started. My sister's activities were apparently worth the time and effort. I had a "connected" boyfriend in high school and that is how I escaped for a while... Since he made her feel somehow important, I could get away with a lot as far as he was concerned. (Sort of like your mother whoring you out...).

[Hopalong]

Such courage, GS, as PP says, to name the unnameable.
Can't thank you enough for sharing this particular struggle here.
Your story of your father really rang bells for me...my Dad was very perfectionistic and no question a little bit OCDish.

And that all feeds into procrastination like thread into a bobbin.
I want to take these negative threads and weave something beautiful out of them.

Danged if I won't!

love,
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Still working stuff out.  Getting close.  Had a very brief moment tis morning when I felt capable of breaking through.  I know those moments will begin to come.  While I was racing around getting my son dressed for school I had a moment of calm certainty rather than the normal tense ball of angst, snarled with inadequacy, criticism, and shame that came from the supremely critical, tense parent overseeing the event.  In a quiet moment the world shifted from, "Oh late again, I can't get it right  This is so frustrating." to "Wow.  Dressed, fed, happy, delivered and only 1 minute late.  How did I do that!" 

This is a shift that is the result of consciously shifting these dark, low energy feelings to joyous, high energy action.  My affirmation is working.  I am pleased.