Passive - the root

[axa]

Hi All,

People who know me would describe me as independant, assertive, smart.........etc..  pretty positive stuff.  i have always considered myself to be this way also.  In fact I have invested a significant amount of me into this image.  Some of it is true, much of it is true and of course there is the shadow side.  But what has been so in my face recently is that there is no one in this world who can talk the talk of being assertive like me BUT I never follow through.

I knew I had become silenced in my relationship with XN but I am beginning to see it is everywhere.  With friends, family, at work.  I keep my mouth shut.  I walk away, I take the hurt and stick it into my wound so that it festers and I feel sooooooooo bad, sooooooooo sad, so unheard.  I have been silencing myself all these years.

Some of you here know this.  I am in shock.  I did not.  I thought I was Ms Assertive that I was not going to let anyone walk all over me.  I do it all the time.  I do it everywere I go.  I rage, pretent I am going to let the hurt go, but never do.  I store it up add it to my big pile and wallow in it.

I am not being hard on myself here I am being real.  How can I expect anyone to be respectful to me.  I have not been.  I know the theory but have not practised it.

There are four people in my life I need to say something to and I have been avoiding it.  I have been trying to "let it go".  They have made comments/actions towards me which were not ok.  Which I found hurtful and I said nothing as if I do not matter.

I want to make a commitment to my friends here that I will address these four people within the next week.  All I need to say is that I am hurt by their behaviour.  I need to be assertive and let ME know that it is not okay for anyone to put me down, to be abusive to me and to be rude to me.

This is so enormous for me.  My self concept is rather shattered around my ankles.  My guess is that if I can begin to claim my respect for me Ns will find me rather boring and not too interesting.

thanks for listening and hearing


axa

[axa]

CB

Think we are playing a bit of tag here today.  I need to say to my neighbour that i am hurt that she did not respect me enough to let me know that she was not coming to my house for dinner until  hours before.  I had made a lot of plans for the evening and went to a lot of trouble.  Bottom line.  I am hurt you did not respect me.

To my friend... who did come and said after a number of glass of wine that it was a bit boring!! - Everyone else seemed to be having a good time but she was not getting too much attention.

I am sorry you found the evening boring but I am disappointed that you feel it is ok to be rude to me and say something like this in the middle of a dinner party.

To my friend who made a joke of my disasterous personal life. (this happened some months ago)  I want to say that I am trying to be real and grow and I am hurt that you can joke about what has caused me so much pain.

To another friend.  I am hurt that you are being hostile to me and wish you would say what is bothering you.


AHHHHHHHHHHh  sounds like I life a horrible life.  Not true these are things I would normally let go and let eat me up.  I want to say these things.  How the other people respond is their business but I want to stand up for me because I need to respect mysel.f

Hope I can do it


axa

[Gaining Strength]

Axa - Well done.  You got right to it.  Now that you know what you want to say just plan how you want to do it and pick the easiest one first.  Start with the one you expect can best receive what you have to say.

Perhaps you could start off the conversation by letting them know that  they are important to you and because of that you want to let them know that you have been hurt by their behavior and so have felt a little distant.  Let them know that you want to feel close again and that is why you are hoping to work this out.

Give them a way to make things better.  This may help cut through some of the defensiveness they are sure to feel.  And expect them to feel defensive.  In fact you may consider writing it in a note so that they can process it before reacting.

Cheering you on!! your friend - Gaining Strength

[Dazed1]

Hi Axa,

Before discovering my voicelessness, I, too, thought I was Ms. Assertive, like you.

Yes, it's quite a shock to find out we're not.

"I knew I had become silenced in my relationship with XN but I am beginning to see it is everywhere.  With friends, family, at work.  I keep my mouth shut.  I walk away, I take the hurt and stick it into my wound so that it festers and I feel sooooooooo bad, sooooooooo sad, so unheard.  I have been silencing myself all these years."   Yes, yes, yes yes yes!!!! Me too.

It's so interesting:  once I became aware of my voicelessness, I can never go back to consciously being voiceless again.  But, if at times I do revert to voicelessness, I feel the niggling in my tummy and then I become aware that I'm being voiceless.

Axa, please be careful when informing friends of your feelings.  I did this about 1 month ago to a friend, told her how I felt and she has not contacted me since.  However, since becoming aware of Nism, I think she has always been Nish and therefore, I'd rather not be around her and feel voiceless.  Thus, if I am to remain "friends" with her, I must be voiceful.  But due to her Nishness, I don't think she can handle my voicefulness.  So, she's out of my life for now and that's OK.  She used to make snarky remarks about me being in therapy, which really hurt.  Of course, she doesn't "need" therapy and looks down her nose at it. 

CB, regarding practicing dialogs, my T recommended starting sentences with "I feel that...", never say "You make me mad when you..."  nor "You make me angry when you..."; nobody can "make" you feel anything; we choose our own feelings.  Also, don't raise your voice, keep voice tone level, warm, be conscious of facial expressions and don't think of it as a "confrontation"; it's a 2 way conversation in which you are expressing YOUR feelings, not judging, nor projecting, nor yelling at the other person.  Also, try to keep compassion in your heart when speaking to the other person.  And, of course, listen their response.  If you want, respond by repeating what they said, by saying something like: "so, let me understand what you're saying, you said....." and repeat what they said so that there's no confusion about what they said.  We don't want to make the other person feel voiceless.

love,
dazed

[pennyplant]

Some ideas about doing this in person or writing a note.  A note can be ignored or misunderstood. There are some things that should be done in person.  I think this is one of those things.  They need to see your face.  It needs to be personal.  There are things I have said in writing that if it had been in person I would not have said it.  Turns out I probably shouldn't have said it.  So, the "in person" aspect of it can weed out the should nots from the shoulds.  And not doing it in person doesn't save you any grief.  If anything, with me, not seeing the person's reaction and having to imagine it is much worse.

If it is worth saying, it is worth saying face to face.  Writing down possible things to say so you can rehearse ahead of time and feel more comfortable is a good idea, imo.

Ultimately, it is up to you axa, how you want to accomplish your aims.  I'm with you on standing up for yourself.  It sounds like some people in your life are taking you very much for granted and being very sloppy and inconsiderate of you.  That's wrong.

Pennyplant

[Hopalong]

Axa.
This is important stuff! I am inspired by your determination to use your voice and use it well.

I remembered something I learned somewhere (lost in the mists of my brain) that might help as you plan to share these important feelings with those people. When you need to confront someone you care enough about to continue to communicate with, always start with the underlying positive:

Ex: Friendships are (or you are) important to me so I want to be straight with you. I need to tell you that I felt mistreated when you (ex: cancelled on such short notice, made jokes about me, etc.)

It can be short and simple, without heat. Just the voice of a person who feels entitled to exist.

Love,
hops

[Leah]

I remembered something I learned somewhere (lost in the mists of my brain) that might help as you plan to share these important feelings with those people. When you need to confront someone you care enough about to continue to communicate with, always start with the underlying positive:

Ex: Friendships are (or you are) important to me so I want to be straight with you. I need to tell you that I felt mistreated when you (ex: cancelled on such short notice, made jokes about me, etc.)

It can be short and simple, without heat. Just the voice of a person who feels entitled to exist.

Love,
hops

Hops,

Have entered your wise example in my jounal notebook and will put that into practice.

Thankyou.

Leah xx