Deb, thanks a million for those very moving, very sad images from the child's eye view. I can only imagine how baffling and scary all of that was for you - big hugs to you and I admire you for keeping your life on track in spite of such a rough start. We had 'revolving door grandparents' but they lived hundreds of miles away so it never was such an immediate source of pain. Your message really moved me and you're right - my son deserves not to experience those sorts of frightening feelings. I'm not even sure what to do about pictures from my son's infancy that have my father in them. He's old enough now that he asks. 'who's that?' and so far I've just said 'that's mommy's daddy' and started talking about who the other people are in the photo. Distraction won't work forever, though, and I guess it's one of those situations that we'll just have to reveal to him, little by little and in an age-appropriate way, why his grandfather isn't involved in our lives. (any pointers warmly welcomed...)
CB, my husband in a gem. He has his moments, don't get me wrong - but don't we all! We've been together a long time and he's used to the quirks of my family and I'm used to the quirks of his... and he really takes the long view on things like my relationship with my Dad. When it all went south this year, he more or less said he viewed my family of origin as a 'cult of personality' built around my father, and that he always was hoping one day I'd see it that way too, so I could stop letting my Dad hurt or enrage or manipulate me. His patience paid off! But my hubby often reaps what he didn't sow - I have had a hellish time getting used to asking for what I want in clear, simple language. Hubby once joked "you know, you can say you want something without doing a huge buildup to it, I feel like you're sending me a formal letter! Dear Mr. Maitri, please note that Mrs Maitri would like to request...." we laughed for a moment about it, but then he said, "seriously, it makes me feel like you think I'm a monster when you approach me like that. Please just ask for what you want." It's taken many years to get to the point where we could be so direct with each other, and not push each others' buttons, but yeah, he's the bomb. Just don't tell him I said so, I want to tell him myself on Valentines Day.
It sounds like your daughter is being treated with great care and consideration as you go through your divorce. I respect and admire you immensely for having the presence of mind to protect her like that. And I am grateful that you could tell me directly that you think I'm overextending myself. I don’t have a clear enough perspective to know what’s reasonable for me to do. One good thing is that my Mom had been seeing a therapist (though she’s stopped seeing her, saying she felt like she was as far along as possible), and she has been to a women's centre support group a few times. She felt like she didn't belong there - I guess hearing so many women talk about physical abuse in the form of beatings, made her feel like being coerced into sexual encouters with non-voilent people was just not bad enough to warrant her being there. Anyways - yes. All of this is by the by - if I wasn't there as a listening ear, if I wasn't there to hear her out, she would talk more to her friends. And I'm sure you're right that they could help her in ways I can't, because they have perspectives I don't, and it doesn't hurt them to hear her out. LOL - while I've been typing this, my Mom just called. A conversation about a recipe turned into a conversation about how hard this weekend was for her due to divorce- and Dad- related stuff. Followed by a detailed description of the latest manipulations and threats from his side. This was a fine opportunity to test my new boundary-setting skills! Did I do it? NO! I listened, commiserated, got angry, got sad... I guess my mind is willing but my spirit is weak. Ah well, I'll get there. Lord knows I'll have plenty of opportunities to work on this, as this divorce proceeds.
> ...they may find you and yours convenient dart boards, or mirrors, or tape recorders, or vomitoriums.
That's genuis, Hopalong. Because at one point or another, I can honestly say that each of us has been one or more of those to my Dad. I remember a few years ago, feeling very upset at a Christmas mass that I happened to be at with my parents (it was the year my Grandmother on Mom's side had died) and my Dad gave me a little hug. I was so moved I wrote him a thank you note. Imagine that! We didn't have a relationship - you're right. We had something very odd and awkward.
Seastorm, thank you for being a 'mean old auntie' - not that I think you are! I feel the need for support, the need for people who aren't involved to hear my part of this and tell me whether I'm being crazy, or selfish, or whiny. Hearing you say things like "who is the parent, here?" makes me feel ok about putting myself first. Or, for now, just *thinking* about putting myself first. I'm also grateful to hear you and others don't mind when I just write and write like I have been. My husband's heard it all before, and my friends haven't lived it so they don't get it, and my brother is living through it too and doesn't need my confusion heaped on to him, so being able to write here is a huge release. After I wrote that first message, I just cried and cried.
This board is a complete blessing - I know I keep saying it but I'm so grateful to find people who can relate, and give such wise and kind advice. My husband and I have felt a little out-at-sea with all of this, out on our own, trying to deal as best we can. It's wonderful to talk to people who get it. Thank you, guys. I'm looking forward to getting all this initial self-focus out of my system so I can learn more about you all, and toss in my thoughts if I can offer anything that might help you even a fraction as much as you're helping me.
All the best,
Maitri
