Help - Attention Campaign

[Rojo]

Hi, All

Need some advise, folks.  Since deciding to terminate all contact with my mother after she maligned me to my husband (see "long range snyper shots"), her campaign for attention has begun in earnest.  To quote an exerpt of her latest email,

"Once again, I hope all is OK your end, when I don't hear from you, I start to worry which is part of my nature and all Moms worry anyway so a quick " I am OK " is all I need to know that you are both well even though you must be very busy."  The rest was general chit-chat.

I have not discussed my decision with her to terminate the relationship , since I don't believe it'll make a hill of beans worth of difference other than to aggravate me.  Nothing I say can ever get through to her.  My question is, do I bother to state my case anyway, knowing what I know or continue to ignore her?  I guess I'm having a few doubts about the way I'm handling this in terms of going about things the "right" way when dealing with an N.  I've never been a person who cuts family off like this and it feels very unnatural in concept.  However, every time I hear from the woman, I get fed up and I just don't want to talk her.

Thanks so much for your help.

Rojo

[rosencrantz]

You are right, of course Rojo.  It isn't worth explaining - although we get so angry with them we want them to know exactly what we feel and just what they've done.  In fact, part of my reluctance to be in touch with my mother right now is that I'm afraid that I'll go past the boundary of simply keeping her at bay and just 'standing strong', getting things the right way round - I might tell her what I REALLY think of her!!!!!!!

There have been a few times in the past when she's pushed me so far that I've come out with some minor truth that would have been better not said.  But of course she thrives on that.  "See, proved what a nasty person you are.  Now I can have a real paddy."   Groan!!

On the other hand, the best way to keep her off my back is to send something that has no meaning for me.  A card once a month that just says 'Thinking of you' (that might be a British thing!) - you could send an email that says literally, just letting you know that all is well here, perhaps a photograph every now and then.  It might invite more back from her but if you've decided what you've going to do and how often, you can ignore it until you're ready to send your next card (or whatever).

Just 'do what she asks' - she might be implying more but at least you can turn round and say 'this is what you asked me to do'!!!!!  Just don't invest any emotion in it - it's a job to do, like washing up!!!!!

I'm starting to realise (I think) that this is what's meant by boundaries.  
Probably, not being in touch completely is more a statement of an emotion (mine has always been fear!)  than 'dealing with it' and just stores up more trouble and hands over more ammunition.

What do you think???

R

[Rojo]

Hi, Rosencrantz

Thank you so much!  I was beginning to suspect that if I kept up the complete silence, it'll backfire worse than stating my reasons for terminating the relationship.  How you handle your mother seems a very reasonable, and safe for me way to handle my situation, too.  I had a cackle over the washing the dishes reference - that really helped me to visualize what it is I need to do here.  

You know, I completely understand you when you said your mother pushes you to a point where you come out with some truth, then wish it hadn't been said.  Mine has done the same thing multiple times.  The last time that really stung was shortly after my dad was killed. She just showed up on my doorstep from overseas and remorselessly pushed and pushed, belittled, critisized, picked old scabs, all while I was just ripped apart with grief and of course, I took the bait.  Then, as usual, she turns around and tells my family...oh, I don't know what's the matter with her, she just blows up at me.     So, when you say your mom's motivation is to prove what a nasty person you are, boy oh boy do I understand that.

Thanks again, Rosencrantz - you and everyone else on this board are such a solace and support for me.  I have tremendous difficulty in cultivating friendships in person, which is something I think many ACONS have problems with.  I meet good people all the time but I'm always terrified of being too reciprocative.  Consequently, I have few outlets to give and receive as real friends do.  Here, with you folks, I can open up without the overwhelming fear factor.  This helps me so much, not just in terms of receiving needed advise but also in that the simple act of having normal and safe exchanges is helping me to relearn trusting others - in person, too.  A prayer is certainly being answered.

God bless,

Rojo

[Anonymous]

Rojo,

A few choices that crossed my mind:

--Tell her you'd prefer not to hear from her anymore. No further explanation is needed. If she demands one, ignore her demand. And ignore/delete any further communiques from her.

--Send her a mindless greeting once in a while that leads her to believe everything is okay.

--Do nothing, ignore all of her emails, just delete them. You don't even have to read them.

bunny

[pandora]

HI,

I can certainly see the need to express your feelings and you should not keep them repressed!

But some of the stuff I am reading about dealing with Ns seems to advise that you should be careful when expressing yourself or confronting them, since it is so easy for them to turn what you say against you, or feel attacked and thus attack you and provoke your loss of control, that in the end you may be doing yourself more damage.  

So you may want to pick your battles with the N in your life, and choose a person you trust and who will be supportive, to express your feelings to.   Finding appropriate support from non-Ns in your life, who can give you empathy and understanding, seems to be a big part of learning to deal with them from what I am learning.  

Anyway, my two cents.  I am sorry that your mom is so difficult to deal with.  You are completely justified in doing what it takes to protect yourself.

[rosencrantz]

Thanks Rojo - and for sharing your own experience about how your mother has a go at you until you 'hit back'.  

What made me feel really ill, was discovering what 'satisfaction' it gave her.  Positively orgasmic!  Yuk!  I felt like I was being used in some kind of masturbatory exercise.

Trying to understand it from her point of view, it reminds me more of how people act who harm themselves by cutting - they get huge relief from the cut.  Hurting themselves before someone else hurts them?  

Causing the hurt, hurrying it up, getting it over with gives the relief???

Or has the hurt become pleasure???  

Either way, I'm being USED here!!!

I don't honestly think that she does it in order to label me 'nasty', I'm an irrelevance here (as usual - typical NPD), she's doing it solely to hurt herself.

And my poor little ego says : 'How can I be such an irrelevance?'.  But I guess that's where all abuse starts.  I was lucky she stopped there...

I'm sorry for her, I really, really am.  But what's the point in being sorry for someone to whom you are an irrelevance???

I'm sure that there's a big cosmic joke in there somewhere.  
R

[Rojo]

Hi, everyone

Thanks to all of you who shared your advise and experiences.  It's really helped me through this latest episode in "Soap Opera N".  I ended up sending her a completely meatless email.  I went this route as I could tell she was becoming armed and dangerous as a result of my silence.

I used to have the fortitude to blast right back at her, which is apparently one of the effective techniques in dealing with these people, but over time I found that it just took too much of the energy I had left.  Pandora, I think you and I have been reading similar material as I also read that it's sometimes better to keep one's distance and not disclose too much.  This is something I've been gradually working on over the last few years.  It seems to be working for me...so far...and I've found I have more time and energy to work on me.  I'm not sure how this would work if one were still living with the N (I thank God that is no longer the case with me).

Rosencrantz, I think you're right about the self-mutilation analogy, as well as the satisfaction they get from it all.  I've been giving some thought to the idea that perhaps my mother does love me...on some twisted level that's tangible only to her... but because she has so many huge issues of her own, she has to torture me, her kid, in order to subconciously punish herself/obtain something she needs.  Perhaps when they feel particularly unworthy, they push our buttons hard enough to receive the punishment they feel they deserve?  Could be.

Looking back on my childhood with this woman, I imagine that her true self is some horrific, convoluted storm thundering overhead, and the person she thinks she is, or wants to be, is the earth below, and I am just some hapless, meandering lightning rod that she manages to trap in between.  The trick I'm trying to master is to a) not be hapless, and b) not be a lightning rod  .  Rubber suit anyone?  LOL!

We are merely convenient conduits for whatever these people need, in my opinion.  I do love my mom - for me it's a primal connection that not even she can completely destroy - and like you, R, I also feel pity for her.  Besides protecting myself from her by establishing firm boundaries, I think I'm also protecting that little oasis of love that I still carry for her.  I'm working hard at only going there when I want to be close to her, instead of staggering off zombie like, chasing the skalding mirage that is my mother.

I also recall the tests..do you folks get "tested" by your N?  I think mine was only nice in order to test for the presence of individulism.  If I tested positive, down came another paralyzing blast from the N demon in the sky.  If I tested negative, then I'd be left alone until I tried to stray from the N powerplant once again.  Sometimes I wonder about the poor folks who eventually give up trying to break free of this trap.  I suppose they just end up wandering about fretfully in N-land, occasionally receiving a reminder jolt, just in case they start getting any ideas.  Aggh, it's all so irritating!!!  Not to mention mind boggling.

Anyway, I'm babbling on!  Thanks again to all of you and this place where we can recover from our latest harrowing adventures with our N's.  Cosmic joke?  Yup, I think that's a roger.  

God bless,

Rojo

[phoenix]

bye

[Rojo]

Hi, Folks

I thought I'd share the latest with NMom's attention campaign.  As I mentioned earlier, I sent her a meatless email to let her know I'm alive and well, and to thank her for the gifts she sent via my husband who had seen her on a business trip abroad.  I sent that email 11 days ago...so just over a week has since passed.  Yesterday I got this:

"How are you, it's very quiet your end, are you depressed about being [in your thirties], fed up with me for some reason or other, is [your hubby] alright? [Your hubby] mentioned there was a bit of a problem with your house, has that been sorted out.
 
What about some photos of you in your nice dress [your hubby] bought you over here? How is the sewing getting along, did the book help in any way? Did the ring fit you, [your chilhood friend] has had her eye on that ring for years and I had to fight her off it many a time."

What??!!     I guess a simple thank you a week ago was not enough...I'm supposed to grovel, spew undying gratitude and adulation on a daily basis that I was lucky enough to be chosen over my friend or something?  Riiiight!!!

Puke!    These people are so whacked in the head!

God bless,

Rojo

[Wildflower]

Hi Rojo,

I guess a simple thank you a week ago was not enough

Hmmm.  Not only are you supposed to grovel, but apparently, telling her you're okay isn't really adequate either.  Seems like she's desperate for you to be suffering in some way (are you depressed, having problems with the house?  something?  ANYTHING????).  

Like Jacmac said in another post, isn't it strange to watch them wriggle around and make a lot of noise when you respond with a calm, collected attitude?

Wildflower

[surf14]

Hi All; I love this post because of all the great suggestions on how to handle the turbulent trlationship with the N mother. Rojo; with all these questions being fired back at you by your mother, who is obviously poking around looking for some weakness, you can take full charge by giving no response to any of the questions.  ( exactly as Rosencrantz suggests)  A great opportunity here to practice taking charge and not reacting.  Think I'll apply it to my own situation today!   Let us know how it goes.     Surf

[Rojo]

Hi, Wildflower and Surf

I think you both processed my mother's latest email exactly the way I did.  She's almost desperate to find something the matter with me.  Happily, I'm not depressed or having any troubles.  In fact, I feel better than I've felt in ages.  I feel invigorated, free, energetic, beautiful and very inspired these days and being in my thirties is turning out to be a marvelous period of my life.

Wildflower, I had to cackle about how fun it is to watch them wriggle.  It's outright hilarious!  Heh, heh    Squirm baby, squirm!!!  LOL.  Surf, you're so right about this being my chance to take charge and boy does it feel LIBERATING!!!

Thanks folks and I'll definitely keep you posted.

God bless,

Rojo

[Rojo]

I can't believe I almost forgot to include the next sentence from her email...

"How are you going to cope with going to college and looking after the dogs and a job as well? the animals have got used to you being home most of the time so I hope it will be OK."

How's that for trying to sabotage me?  Dear God, this woman is such a wolf in sheep's clothing...there's no limit to what lengths these N's will go to trying to suppress our growth as individuals.  Never mind that I'm in such a good spot in my life, so much so that I'm feeling confident enough to go back to college and completely change my career to do something that I actually love doing.  Never mind that I'm way old enough to know how to juggle my own schedule.  The problem is that SHE could never do it so she's trying to project that on me.  I'd not told her about my going back to college but she found out somehow a while back.  It's so amazing to see how she stored that info...just waiting for a chance to use it as a way to try cripple me.  Pathetic, just pathetic.

 

Rojo

[surf14]

She's afraid you will accomplish more than  she did; she is threatened by that.  Surf

[RedRose]

Rojo,

It's like walking on eggshells.  You know, there doesn't even have to be any yelling or anything.  It's just like BAM!  Outta nowhere comes some comment.

I know there have been many times I will be around my mother and she will just say something.  And I'm thinking to myself, What the hell?

For example, one day not too long ago, I was humming IN MY HOME.  And outta nowhere, just as serious as she can be, the BINCH says, "Why are you humming?  Are you feeling guilty about something?"

I said, "What are you talking about?  I can't hum?"

She said (something like this), "Well, if you're humming, that usually means you're covering something up."

These are the times I loathe her.  These are the times I realize how the happy kid was squashed.  This is when you realize why you are so freaking insane trying to make your way in the world.  This is when you realize you have MANY demons to fight and a struggle which some people for whom you care just don't understand.  And you fight, and you hope you don't become this same monster.

May the gods help me when raising my own kids and in dealing with other relationships.