Values

[axa]

Went to T and was angry about the fact that XN got what he wanted, a housekeeper, childminder etc now back with Xwife, I guess.  it was like he won.  We talked about this and she pointed out that if I use HIS value system he has won but if I use MY value system he has not.  Interesting that I see it in terms of winning! 

I thought about my values and what is important to me - truth, honesty, integrity, growth, none of these are present in XN's life.  His values are status, money, material things, getting what he wants, supply, money, control, money and did I forget to mention money.  Puts things in perspective a bit.

If someone described Xn to me, the truth about him, I am 100% sure I would never want to know a man like him...... need to remember this.

axa

[Leah]

Axa,

If I use HIS value system he has won, but if I use MY value system he has not.

Thank you so much for sharing that Axa

That has helped me with regard to my Nsister as it gets to me know and again how she won - but she hasn't

Her values and my values are total opposites

As for your Xn, now you see him as lost

Take care,

Leah x

[axa]

Leah,

This brings up something for me about my waiting for him to have the same values as me.  How dumb was that! I kept projecting my values onto him, thinking we shared the same but that was rubbish.  Why would an N want honesty in their lives when they are getting what they want by being dishonest.  I know at times when I would talk about integrity he would look at me with a blank expression.  I was speaking a different language.  He once said to me I hope your integrity keeps you warm at night if you leave me.  Well let me tell you it keeps me a hell of a lot warmer than his lies and madness.

axa

[axa]

CB

Maybe the point is that we did not buy into their value system.  That I think was the thing that made us crazy.  Trying to live by our values and being met head on by their crazy system.  If we had bought into their system we would still be there.  The conflict is caused by the two systems crashing.  When I was with XN this is what happened all the time.  I did not understand it, kept trying to get him to see how weird his behaviour was.

I don't like skiing either!!!!!!!!!!

axa

[Leah]

Axa,

Maybe the point is that we did not buy into their value system.  That I think was the thing that made us crazy.  Trying to live by our values and being met head on by their crazy system.  If we had bought into their system we would still be there.  The conflict is caused by the two systems crashing.  When I was with XN this is what happened all the time.  I did not understand it, kept trying to get him to see how weird his behaviour was.

That is exactly it Axa

We did not buy into their value system - good valid point

Yes, I can admit to trying to get Xnh and nfoo's to buy into my value system - and they frequently slandered my self value of integrity

They hated that word - integrity

Now I fully understand and accept why, and what they did, to try and rob me of my integrity.

Deep down they envy another's values and value system. 

And yes Axa, if we had have bought into their system we would still be there in the midst of their crazy system - but we are not

We are free

They are bound

Leah xx


The N's have gone off on another Crazy making life mission some place else.

Good news is that we are not with them.

We have Peace at last.

[PERFECT DESIRES]

HMMM
ABOUT THE FIRST POST IN TOPIC
THAT N WON IN TERMS OF HIS VALUE SYSTEM
BUT THEN SUCH WINNING IN TERMS OF HIS SOUL
ALWAYS ENDS UP BEING A LOSS DUE TO VIOLATION OF DIVINE LAW METHINKS
which be do unto others as you would have them do unto you
only a full understanding and application of that
gives what is truly and fully consistent value system:)

[debkor]

Axa,
Very interesting about values and your post.
 
Compete
strive consciously or unconsciously for an objective (as position, profit, or a prize) : be in a state of rivalry
Value
relative worth, utility, or importance
Winning
to gain in or as if in battle or contest

Once talking with the T with my ex the T spoke about competition.  How everyone competes.  We competed as children in sports, dance, and games at no cost to the opponents.  We were there to win. As we grow up we don't always compete we see things differently as adults.   I said to the N, what? Why does he want to compete with me for this is not a game? This is life. He's supposed to be my partner not my opponent. T said, Life is game for him D.  If he does a good job, he sees it as I won. If he does something to make you happy temporary at the least, he thinks, I won. Pulled that off.
. I said I'm not in a competition.  T said D you are an adult who is trying to work on your problems with yourself and your marriage.  The T said he does not think like us.  I am working with him on his thinking process.  When you argue your values, your feelings it becomes a competition with him.  He will win at all cost. So even if he loses he will still win.
So I think I got what he was saying and I realize I was also competing for the values I had to be his.  I played the game also.
I competed for worth and importance and he was always in a state of being my rival.
My entire   way of thinking changed after that. I took myself out of the game and worked on me. By me leaving he still thought he won.
It was a game alright took me along time to know this. OK I have to add some humor here, I cannot resist,  We went round the board of the game like monopoly and he skipped a turn and went straight to jail. 

Love Deb

[axa]

dEb,

Interesting that you brought up the issue of competition.  I am not a competitive person, dont play sports, never have, no great desire to win things.  Am lucky enough to realise that if I want to participate that in itself is "winning" for me.  XN was the exact opposite.  he wanted to win everything.  when we were driving he could not bear to see a car overtake him he would have to beat him........ and win by overtaking again.  How about this. 

I have a friend who calls once a week for some meditation. XN joined us one evening.  Basically we just share the space and do our own mediitation.  I struggle with meditating and being still and so after about 25 minutes stopped and sat up.  My friend continued on for about another 5 minutes and then opened his eyes.  XN was still lying on the floor with eyes closed.  A few minutes later he opened his eyes and announced "I WON"  jUST EVERYTHING WAS A COMPETITION WITH HIM.  Of course in the instances when he would not win he would then devalue the winner.

Remember playing crazy golf with him and his D when we first met.  I am not good at sports and assured them they would have little competion with me as it turned out I did rather well.  I noticed D not writing down the accurate scores, poor thing she could not bear to come last while it did not bother me.  I did notice her fixing the figures though.....funny what you recall.  She is highly competitive also but then she does not know how to be any other way.

axa