Wow,
Thank you all for your responses
Margo, yes it does make sense. I think this is why the no c ontact rule really helps with Ns. It is only when you get away from the confusion you can see what was going on. I had to suffer to the extent I did to understand that it was not ok. My fear was that being alone was worse than being with XN. It is not but I did not know t hat. Well, intelectually I did but the little axa who was in control at the time thought anything was worse than being alone. One of the great insight I have received from being on this board is my own lack of boundaries. I talk the talk but walking the walk is a different matter. REcently XN contacted me and for the first time in my life I set a boundary which was no contact and adheared to it. I looked after myself. It felt strange and uncomfortable, t here was part of me hungry to get back into the fray but I did not react. Feeling like a very good girl as I write this.
Spyralle,
There is something in your post that i identify with. It is as if the Ns rationisation becomes contagous. I have found myself making sense of complete nonsense that he fed me.
Another thing I learned on this board is that I am an addiict, addictive to destructive N relationships. I have been reading a book recommended by Hops, I think, about addictive relationships and it about me. I am struggling with this but acknowledge it daily. Interesting that I come from a long line of addicts and always congradulated myself on not being one...........ROSE tinted glasses gone. I am.
Hops,
Thanks for the 2 cents worth. I KNOW you are right. I struggle with meditating and being with myself so much. I want IT fixed. I am lazy, like the addict, looking for the quick fix. At the moment I am aware of my distracting myself all the time, keeping so busy with some underlying hope that I will get through this time and be rescued. It is a recurring theme for me. Today I will meditate, can you check in on me. Little axa is here kicking and struggling avoiding the bloody paperwork also. I make lists about lists. Growing pains here. I think it is the fundamental difficulty many of us struggle with here: not wanting to take care of our selves, putting others before us with the hopeful pay off that somehow someone else will make it ok. I apologise if I have offended anyone by this statement maybe I should just own it for myself. It is my truth.
Sela,
Avoiding the inevitable..........what truth you write. Why do we have to stay and suffer so much before the inevitable happens. I knew things were never going to get better. I think I have some sort of machocistic streak in me where I want the suffering......... thoughts... may start a thread on this.
Dandy,
I am sure you are right. Will look up the book...thanks
Sea,
Very interesting points. I think the bottom line is that I trusted XN who i knew to be crazy rather than I trusted myself. I suppose a sign of some of my growth is that I have distanced myself from some "friends" who I have felt were bullying. The loss is that I do not have fun with them anymore but the gain is that I feel a sense of freedom. Somehow I feel that I am the one who is spoiling the fun by withdrawing from them. But I now realise that I felt like a child around one particular friend and there was never equality in the relationship. I met her recently, she is a real fancy dresser, I am not, had an old shirt on with the collar askew before she said one word to me she started to fix my shirt. I am a middle aged woman.......... keep your hands off me. AHHHHHHHHH
Thanks everyone,
xxxxxxxxxx
axa