Do any of you believe in signs? from God or otherwise? I ask because I find myself intently looking for signs as to whether to stay or go. A few things have happened that I can't help but see as very significant.
I have talked a lot to my girlfriend about my situation
Second, my dad, Third, I talked to N's mother.
what do you think? Did any of you have similar things happen as you were trying to evaluate whether to stay with or leave an N spouse?
Thanks again to all for listening! PAndora
Pandora, you really got me thinking with this post of yours. The first thing I noticed is that you are obviously comfortable in being able to talk to your and his family and your friends. I was wondering if this makes him comfortable or uncomfortable. I think it's healthy, by the way, so long as there is due consideration and respect when confiding in others, for our spouse's dignity. There are problems that can result from this, as was the case with my spouse, where my spouse accused me of, and felt that I didn't accurately represent both sides of the story to family and friends, and I decided finally that it wasn't my job to present any view but my own. This caused some conflict and withdrawal for a while. I encouraged my spouse to do the same, talk with others, friends and family, and when this happened I finally understood how my spouse felt. So that was a dificult period to navigate.
As far as looking for signs from God or people, I don't know? I feel it very much hinges on the interpretation we place on it. Sort of like dream analysis. I've thought at different times maybe I've had signs, but more in the concrete than the abstract. Like when people say things like, "How can you live with someone who does that!" I take that as a sign, a sign that I am de-sensitised to abuse. And that I need to continue the work of construction in my life, of constructing better expectations for myself in my relationships. So that before any outsider comments, I've said to myself and to the other party first, "I will not tolerate that. It's not, or no longer unacceptable."
In the end Pandora, it comes down to knowing yourself. Learning about yourself, the you that maybe wasn't fully developed when you entered this relationship.
My spouse and I as part of marriage therapy did an on-line Keirsey personality test. My spouse and I came up as the same in some major ways. My spouse is a Guardian ISTJ (Introvert, Sensation, Thinking, Judging)and I'm a Guardian (Extrovert, Sensation, Feeling, Judging). We have a lot of common ground but tended to have major conflict over methodology. Like your dishwasher incident. Arguing over how things should be done. Understanding our personality types/temperaments has been invaluable in reducing conflict and stress in our relationship. Now we have boundaried the way we go about things in the home and with the children. Interestingly, we have both found that so much of our conflict sprang from our different personal styles.
In your situation I'm sure you will find your way, because you have an enquiring mind, and you are willing to share. I think learning about our true selves and who we 'really' are is the doorway to our freedom. Once we know who we are, we then know where we are 'meant' to be, and what we are 'meant' to be doing. Knowing who we are, we experience a newness of life that energises us from the inside, and so much of what once confused us and caused us tremendous pain simply ceases to exist.
This is the road I'm on, because for so long 'voicelessness' was my middle name. I hurt so much, and in experiencing this hurt, I also hurt others. That's changing, and I'm so glad about it. It's harder I think when we discover this in a relationship. Because so much needs to change, and the other party has to try and work out what the hecks going on, and we sometimes don't even know ourselves. All the best to you Pandora, and this post of yours has helped me immensely. In putting my ideas down I feel clearer on certain personal issues. Thankyou.
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