From Dr.'s site--i sure felt this must be me.

[isittoolate]

hi all

Dr. Grossman says things in such a clear way.

Excerpt:

It is always striking when a bright, attractive and otherwise accomplished person cannot maintain an intimate relationship.  I have seen many people like this in my practice, and one of the first tasks is to figure out why.  Most of the time the person appears in my office as the bewildered half of a distressed couple.  Their spouse's/partner's complaints are legion:  the offending partner doesn't listen, they're in their own world, they have little or no interest in sex, they prefer to be alone, they are unable to intuit or understand emotion.  The spouse complains that the marriage consists of two people sharing the same living space, splitting chores. 

The person's childhood usually provides clues to the problem.  Sometimes, people tell terrible stories of abuse and neglect: in these cases one can easily understand why intimacy is avoided.   But other times people depict a non-eventful childhood, devoid of conflict or even moments of common unhappiness.   When pressed they remember few specific details positive or negative--and this is the rub.  When their full story is revealed,  it becomes clear the person dulled the abrasive experience of day to day family life by paying little attention.  In doing so, they successfully pushed people away and retreated to the safety of their own inner world and preoccupations.  This unconscious strategy reduced conflict and guaranteed their emotional survival. 

Very often, such a person's parents never entered their world, except in a negative, critical, controlling, or otherwise unempathic way.  Many parents were narcissistic:  they were so intent upon maintaining their "voice", they completely overwhelmed their children's.  As a result, the child retreated to a smaller, safer place where they could maintain agency and find some private satisfaction.  Sheltered in this mini-world, the person experienced little shared pleasure and little disappointment. 

from this link, to continue.
http://www.voicelessness.com/intimacy.html

Izzy

[Gaining Strength]

That silent neglect or rejection is so powerful because you can't point to it or hold it.  It becomes a result of who you are since you can't identify it to hang it on something your parent did.  That is so insidious and so difficult to get a handle on and rid your heart and soul of. - GS

[Leah]

Reading this has brought to mind a dear old lady, aged about 72 years at the time (would be about 6 years ago now)
who used to stop and talk to me, when she was out walking her dog, and gradually, would stop by at my stable door for a chat.

Till finally, one day she stepped into my home for refreshment (yep, british tea!).

We got talking and suddenly, she opened up and said "I have not cried a tear for over 60 years"  "not since the day my brother took the hot poker from the fire and held me down and burnt my legs ..... because he felt like it !!"

Tears rolled round my cheeks, but not one from her sweet eyes.

She then opened up some more, saying that she wished she could cry, she wished she could feel emotion like others did.

She adored her dog and lavished great care upon it.

She never married - she did not date anyone.

She lived alone.

Don't really know why I am sharing this.

Leah

[seastorm]

Dear Leah,

What a beautiful and thoughtful storm and it is the perfect story to illustrate how people who are so deserving of love shut off.  She was able to tell you the story of being burned by a hot poker without emotion. Oh my god. If she oould do that then she had managed to hold on to her power at the cost of having intimacy in her life. You must be a very special person for her to have opened up like that. I am sure you are bacause you held her story in your heart for all these years.

Much love to you Leah,
Sea storm

[Lupita]

This post and its answers are so powerful!!!! Impacting!!! Thank you Izzi.

[Hopalong]

Sea,
You understood that her sad solution was her mind's creative way of letting her live.

How perceptive of you.

love,
Hops

[Leah]

Dear Leah,

What a beautiful and thoughtful storm and it is the perfect story to illustrate how people who are so deserving of love shut off.  She was able to tell you the story of being burned by a hot poker without emotion. Oh my god. If she oould do that then she had managed to hold on to her power at the cost of having intimacy in her life. You must be a very special person for her to have opened up like that. I am sure you are bacause you held her story in your heart for all these years.

Much love to you Leah,
Sea storm


Dear Sea storm,

Your words of kindness are like a medicine for my heart, and, mean so much at this time.

Thank you

God bless you.

(((Leah)))

[seastorm]

Thank Leah,

Your words are medicine for me too.

Last night I told your story to a woman after she told me that she always wanted to be cheery and not let her abuse touch her.  She drinks a lot to dull her pain.
Hearing that story was like a shock to her.  Maybe too much for her at the time. But boy it planted a seed.
So the healing story goes on. It is so powerful.

Love,
Sea storm

[Leah]

((((((((( Jac )))))))))  and (((((( Sea ))))))))


Sea,

You know, after I wrote that, I thought to myself "why am I sharing this"
as I have not shared it with anyone.

And now I believe it must have been for your friend.

Hope that seed sprouts up and grows to a healthy healing plant in her heart.

Leah

[reallyME]

Being a bit of a perfectionist and english major, I'm wondering if anyone caught stormchild's typo: 

Dear Leah,

What a beautiful and thoughtful storm

After I read this, I was thinking "beautiful and thoughtful storm??"  ya know, though, the experiences in our lives, that have shaped us into who we are today, are very much STORMS more than stories sometimes!  Between the thunderous moments, the cold winds, and often the hard, piercing rains, our neurons have found ways to help us cope, protect ourselves and eventually sometimes walk forward through the tumult.  God in His ultimate mercy, either calms the storms or takes us through the eye of them.

Just a very interesting, thought-provoking typo there, seastorm.

~Laura

[Hopalong]

wonderful thought, RM...

Hops

[isittoolate]

Well the spam allowed me to see CB's wonderful post, as I had missed it!
Izzy