How Would You React?

[gratitude28]

LOL Iz. I had the palpitations and all that too. Didn't know I was so sick, so I worked out a lot and it made me worse.

Lupita, I had the back stuff too. I must say, since the thyroid and the back (I had surgery for a ruptured disc... spent a month and a half unable to get out of bed... and not even comfortable in bed... truly thought life was worthless... chronic pain is AWFUL), I can say that I have had 5 years with little difficulty health-wise. I wish you freedon from pain!!!! It amazes me every day the aches and pains we get as we get older!!!! No fair!!! I want THIS brain in my 18-year-old body!!!

Love, Beth

[Hopalong]

Beth, you did back surgery? Was it the fusion thing or a laparoscopic thing?

If you don't mind sharing a bit more, I'd love to know.
I hope to avoid back surgery but it might be on horizon one day.

thanks,
Hops

[gratitude28]

Oh Hops,
I hate to think of anyone going through that pain. My mother is actually having some problems with it now too. And the Doctor I had, a tiny thing, had had surgery when she was 26 due to the same pain.
OK... story... One day, my back started hurting. And then it got worse. And then I got bad sciatica. I wouldn't go to the doctor b/c everyone told me that happens and it passes in a few weeks. Would go to work in the morning and struggle to make it out to my car in the afternoon. Soon I could no longer go to work. Had an MRI, they said it was a slipped disc. I could no longer get out of bed. Laid in bed popping pills (ended up on Oxycontin... and the pain was so bad by that time that it had minimal effect). I was so depressed with the pain! I did the surgery, because it was either that or take a whole bottle of pills and end it all. I couldn't take it anymore (and I have a great threshhold for pain).
Went in for surgery and came out the next day and was 85% better. Psychologically, I was still a bit messed up... the pain was gone, but my body was still trying to protect and correct the areas where the pain had been. They actually cut my back open, but I hear they don't do that anymore. It was amazing. I was so grateful, even though I had been scared. But there was no other choice.
Have you had them try injecting the spot as well? They did that for me but it didn't work. However, it worked well for my mother.
What kind of pain are you having?
Love, Beth

[isittoolate]

hi Lupita,

I think I was fine. I forgot that I posted on this thread.

In short:
1.) tonsils
2.) tumour
3.) baby
4.) broken back
5.) D&C
6.) thyroidectomy
7.) all the broken bones: back L1, 9 toes, right ankle twice, right shin bone, right foot, left ankle and leg, left big toe
8.) spirit

yadda yadda
Izzy

[gratitude28]

So, Izzy, if you have a car and you replace all the parts... is it still the same car???

[Hopalong]

Yoicks, Izzy. I'm sorry. Feel stupid complaining about my back after reading your list, but since Beth asked, I'll do my "backstory":

Beth, I have a ruptured L5 and L4, mild scoliosis, and their catchall: degnerative disk disease.
I've had about 5 epidural steroid injections and they definitely help...for a few weeks.

I'm hoping that when I start up my gym routine again (starting this Saturday) I can very very very gradually build core strength and restore my back.

It's better than it was in my previous job, which tells me stress makes it worse. But still, I can simply turn in my chair the wrong way and let out a yell. I took oxycontin too at times, but now have Tramadol that I take several times a week during the day, and one almost every night.

I'm not sure when I should investigate surgery, but there might be a laparoscopic procedure.

So I imagine you had the ruptured vertebrae fused?

Thanks for telling the tale...

Hops

[axa]

I think this is a very interesting thread and want to bring it back if thats ok.  I am such an enabler.  I can forgive anything, I hope that is past tense.  I can justify the thief doing what he did.  I know this is crazy. 

After one trip with XN he had some grass after we came back I asked him if he had brought it back from abroad.  He said No you did.  He had put it in my bag.  Now any functioning person with a healthy sense of herself would have walked then but I did not.  I was angry and told him but I did nothing.  I do that, mouth off, and then slide into compliance.  It is linked with other things I have posted here about passivity.  If someone did it to my kid I would kill them, or at least report them to the police but I let that pig get away with it.

I did this because I was hooked into some crazy fantasy.  I trusted him more than I trusted myself and I thought a relationship with him was more important than respect for me.  He was always disrespectful to me but so was I.  This is where I need to so much work.  I can talk the talk but not so good at walking the walk, but I am working on it.

Sea, I understand,

axa

[dandylife]

Sorry to hear about all the med troubles for you guys - hope it gets better!

Axa, I know what you mean about enabling and allowing things to slide. Looking back at my long N relationship, I didn't let things slide so much as I feel like my voice was not loud enough. I brought issues up but the N was like an emotional tornado who would rage and torment if I ever brought up that I was uncomfortable with something. So I'd give up. I actually remember him saying to me one time "How can you possibly bring this up (fingers an inch apart signifying small) when MY troubles are like this (arms wide open)?" He always minimized me/mine and I accepted myself as not as important. How sad.

Until I finally learned! Now I have a voice just loud enough.

Dandylife

[Hopalong]

Axa,
You sound so angry with yourself.
Can you forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know?
For not seeing your part at that time?

You deserve complete love, deep kindness, no blame or self-loathing.
That's not fair to you...

hugs,
Hops

[axa]

Hops,

not so much angry with myself as acknowledging that I did not take responsiblity for my well being.  This is the root of my problems.  Putting someone else before myself especially in dysfunctional abusive relationships.  I guess one of the big lessons from this last relationship is that I colluded with the abuser and I was aware at times of this. 

I want to take responsibility for my life.  I could not be abused if I had not allowed it.  I may have postted this before but it often comes to mind.  I recall lying beside him one morning as he was being particularly nasty.  I thought if he is saying these things to me he has no respect for me and as I continue to lie here an listen and justify the unjustifiable then I have no respect for me also.  I am giving him the message that it is ok to treat me like this.  I am saying to him by my actions continue, it is ok.  This has been a big step for me Hops in shifting from blame to responsibility. 

Does it make sense to ya

axa

[Hopalong]

Yes, that does, Axa.
A very painful thing to own and be accountable for.

Good for you for naming it so fiercely.

hugs,
Hops

[gratitude28]

(((((((((((((((((axa)))))))))))))

And now you NEVER have to be there again.

Love, Beth

[isittoolate]

Hops

I lost track of this thread.

How is your back? What was done? How are you feeling?

I had a fracured L1. It was pushed inward and crushed my spinal cord, not severed, so I am/was a partial paraplegic. I forget the words now for what was done, likely a fusion, a laminectomy, then Harrington Rods were placed next to my spinal column, clamped in the middle, nuts and bolts at top and bottom

If your body doesn't reject them in the first 10 years, you keep the Rods for life.

I have seen them in an x-ray scan when having another test and the nuts and bolts are loose. The bolts are hanging and the nuts have worked their way into my shoulder blade area, and my kidney area. They don't hurt.

What hurts s is the top of the Rods that are poking out a bit ....just skin over stainless steel.

I cannot go into one of those cat scan machines or I will blow to kingdom come. Right?
love
Izzy

[isittoolate]

hi axa

This has been a big step for me Hops in shifting from blame to responsibility. 
Does it make sense to ya

When we realize something, as you did, it was the time. There is a time for everything, and I believe each person will know that time when it comes. No one else can set that time for you, tell you what to do, or when to do it! You just know.

xxoo
Izzy

[axa]

izzy,

Yes, that was a big step for me.  I feel very sad right now but I know that is linking into the fantasy need remember that is all it was..... a fantasy.  Struggling with taking responsibility for my own well being but I know where I am now is better.

axa