help!

[write]

I am totally overwhelmed right now with the practicalities of separation.
Has anyone found a functional framework for this?
My h seems to agree to things then go away and think up new problems, and his constant catastrophizing and periodic attacks are making me sick- physically sick, with high blood pressure.

We have several weeks before I can actually move out too, so we are seeing each other every day.

I keep trying to be positive, but there are moments I think why did I even start trying to do this?

He's in therapy, but has such a long way to go, its not helping right now.

Someone tell me its going to be ok...

[rosencrantz]

It's gonna be OK!!!!!

You know what a fish does when it's caught on a hook - that's what he's doing - anything and everythng to get back in the water.  He WANTS you to think it wasn't worth starting all this.  But just think how awful to have to start right back at the beginning again.  No, no, no!!!!!

Think addiction, think one day at a time, one hour at a time.

Don't even LISTEN to him.  Just stand there and switch off.  Indifference is the key.  What he says is NOT important.

Body language - turn away, be sideways on, look anywhere but in his eyes.  Don't let your body communicate interest and it will deflect the worst of it.

Hold on tight.  

I've just been feeling sorry for myself in another thread - it comes and goes!  But you've just got me back on my mettle.

Never give in!!!

Hugs
R

[rosencrantz]

I wanted to get a quick post off to you (above) in case you were still around - and, here, a few more measured thoughts to share.

My h seems to agree to things then go away and think up new problems, and his constant catastrophizing and periodic attacks are making me sick- physically sick, with high blood pressure

My mother does that all the time. And that's how I feel, too.  Right now I've reached a point where I can glide along on the top of the water while she's down below somewhere frothing/flapping around like that fish.

S/he needs to do all that cos it's their way of trying to stay in control.  Chaos and confusion.  They need it.  We don't. So let them have their confusion, don't fight it - but you just go ahead and organise things the way you want.  It might take longer.  It won't be clear-cut or efficient.  You'll always be in the wrong and 'got it wrong' - but who said you had to create perfect solutions??!  

Bloody miracle if you can create half-perfect with all that nonsense going on.  Have faith in yourself, cos that's all that matters - if you believe in yourself you won't give a toss what he thinks (or what anybody else thinks).

I no longer expect anything to go right or be sorted out smoothly, and I expect everything to take six months longer than expected, and for other people to get involved in a way that makes me feel guilty.  Tough, eh!  But WE know that our mental and emotional health hinges on what WE do and not what THEY think!!

Keep going!
R

[Anonymous]

who said you had to create perfect solutions??!

Bloody miracle if you can create half-perfect with all that nonsense going on. Have faith in yourself, cos that's all that matters - if you believe in yourself you won't give a toss what he thinks (or what anybody else thinks).


Thanks R, I know you're right. I'm a terrible perfectionist where my family is concerned.

I've been really assertive and we've both come up with creative solutions to the practicalities- he says its when his emotions kick in he gets angry and says a lot of stuff he doesn't mean.

I think I've got it through that I need to get my blood pressure down, but I do have somewhere else to stay lined up if he can't control himself.

This believing in yourself is hard, some days I am so confident and feel brilliant about my decisions, another day I want to crawl and hide; I posted about that before and people think its pretty normal.

I think I missed out on some of my development about being happy too- I often get really anxious when I'm happy, waiting for someone to come and spoil it.

I'll go look at your other thread now.

[Wildflower]

Hi write,

I think I've got it through that I need to get my blood pressure down, but I do have somewhere else to stay lined up if he can't control himself.

A week ago, my health was under attack as I tried to deal (perfectly) with a crisis in my mother's life.  Well, it was a crisis in the sense that I believed her life was on the line, but for the past year, it's just been a series of crises.  One day, I got an email from either my mother or my relative, I can't remember which, and my chest tightened up before I even read it.  "Oh, no.  Something else has happened," I thought.  "I'm going to have to deal with this immediately!!  What if I cant?!?!?!"  Panic.  And then, on the verge of tears in the bathroom at my office, it hit me.  This wasn't a crisis.  This was a long, slow, drawn out process of my mother's collapse.  I had to breathe.  Calm down.  Step away.  Get work done.  Wait until I got home to read the email.  This isn't going to end any time soon, and I can't disrupt my life every time a new development occurs.

What I'm trying to say is, maybe you could take up that offer for a place to stay - at least for a week - to get your blood pressure down.  Take care of yourself, because you can't count on him to do that for you.  Otherwise you wouldn't be in this situation, right?

My two cents, anyway

Wildflower

P.S. - Hope this doesn't come across too cold or strong.  I'm in this weird place where I can't really find words, but I felt like I needed to respond to this.

[Wildflower]

Hi write,

Just another thought about your last post.  Until just a couple of months ago, I thought of myself as a person who was determined to go my own way and figure everything out, and get it right!!  Sheesh.  And, well, most others thought this about me, too.  My therapist tries to tell me that this drive is a good quality in many ways, which is true, but something in me continued to balk at this characterization, partly because it causes a lot of stress in my life.  When I started to re-examine this aspect of my personality, I realized that I didn't have a choice but to be driven.  I couldn't count on anyone to help me - I had to figure everything out for myself (perhaps you can imagine how hard it is for me to ask for help ).  I simply wouldn't have made it very far if I hadn't learned to take on more responsibility than I could handle.  So now I'm trying to listen to myself, and to figure out when I'm driven by my own passions, and when I'm driven by fear.

I'm a terrible perfectionist where my family is concerned.

What caught my eye about this phrase was the word 'terrible'.  It seems like something you don't like about yourself, but I wonder how much of this perfectionism is YOU, and how much was forced on you by your family.

Just a thought.

Wildflower

[kelly8893]

Things do get better, But I will be honest I had 8 years of back and forth with my ex-N and it was awful. I never knew from one day to the next want kind of things he would come up with next. After leaving him and being on my own I have different ups and downs but I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. After 8 years with him any kind of change is better than being with him!!!!!

I have struggled with emotions, his and mine for so long that is nice just to struggle with mine. I have good days and bad ones too but I love this new life of change and renewel. I have never been one for change but after all those years with him, ( me feeling lost and alone), just being me and having no one tell me that "I am  wrong" is wonderful.  Life gets better the more time you are away from them. This I know! Have a great Day!

[Anonymous]

Thanks Wildflower and Kelly, I'll take on board your advice.

In some ways I feel lucky that my h has got the guts to go through therapy, since we have to parent together ad infinitum, and he tries very hard believe me, but there's such a gap in his psyche and he keeps dropping back into what Patricia Evans called 'Reality one' too.

( I've noticed that about most men I ever meet- the sexism, the entitlement etc. Makes me wonder if I'll ever have a relationship with a man on the same level I do with women )


What caught my eye about this phrase was the word 'terrible'. It seems like something you don't like about yourself, but I wonder how much of this perfectionism is YOU, and how much was forced on you by your family.


my h has this trait too, and we've both had to adjust our expectations. It does drive you to be successful and caring and capable- but it's terrible because it can be a 'never good enough' scenario, and accompanied by high anxiety and stress, and not enjoying life, working too hard at it.

It was forced on me to be 'good' as a child, and on n h to be 'clever'. Neither of us were allowed to just 'be' as children.
In fact, forty years ago, many children in Britain weren't allowed to find their own level, there was this belief that they would be 'spoiled' if they were 'allowed to get away with things', a throwback from the days of working as servants or in factories, and accepting your lot in life.

Strangely its my health which has finally made me change our circumstances, its like my body just won't tolerate it any more.

I do travel a lot, and have regular opportunities to de-stress, but as I get older it's not enough, nor is the demanding loneliness of a non-reciprocal intimate relationship.

[write]

that was me, write