Author Topic: Signing In Under Different Names  (Read 6540 times)

DreamSinger

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Re: Signing In Under Different Names
« Reply #30 on: March 09, 2007, 08:20:59 PM »
Hey Hops and Sela,

I totally agree. There isn't much you can do to control the choices other people make, and I'm not saying that in an attempt to preclude abuse we should not allow multiple names. I've thought of signing in under another identity for previously stated reasons, and though I haven't been able to yet, there's nothing to say that there might not come a time when something so outrageous happens and I have no other avenue for venting, I won't create another identity to vent away, spewing forth details and screaming my little head off.

But I do think that it's good to occasionally, as a community, vocalize our expectations of what we may perceive as fair or appropriate interaction as Gratitude did by starting this thread. It leads one to, perhaps, assess our actions and the impact of it on others through another's perspective.

This thread has, also, lead me to consider a number of things, one of which I am delighted to have seen that a form relational aggression can take in cyber space, other than just the commonly known forms of cyber abuse. This is a topic that is of great interest to me and I'm pretty active in this field. So I'm really grateful for the discussions this thread has opened up and the new insights.

It's inspiring this board has such a beautiful commitment to allow and support one another in discovering and using our voice. One of the not too pleasant things I have come to learn on my own healing journey is the number of times I have hurt people with harsh and callous words, in the name of speaking my truth or being honest. This is understandable considering my background and all that I needed to learn about communicating effectively and with integrity.

Understandable, but not excusable - not at the expense of others. Just as my own abusers' behavior might be understandable considering where they came from and where they were at the period of their lives they abused me, but not excusable.

Having my own behavior brought to my attention has been a valuable, though not fun, part of my growth. It's a gift we can continue to give to one another. It's in that light that I read Gratitude's post, to make a statement about something that she felt was wrong, and it is in same light I share my own views.

Having said that, I feel no compulsion to try to control or assure, as if I could, that others don't use the different names opportunity abusively.  It's not my place and I'm okay with that just as I'm okay with stating that I don't like it. But I do agree, it's better to invest energy in something you can have an effect upon than not. 

When I was younger, I wanted to take on the world. Now, I'm happy to be at peace with it.
 

Overcomer

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Re: Signing In Under Different Names
« Reply #31 on: March 10, 2007, 10:08:11 AM »
Like I said earlier, I did it once so I could say something stupid......the problem is, I know that people "know" me here on the board.  They support me in my job search.  The problems with my nmom and aunt and bookkeeper at my work, etc.  They kinda "know" me.  So what if I get mad and go on a tirade?  Suddenly they think to themselves, "that Kelly is a loose cannon......I don't like her anymore....."  That is why Reality Check (whoever it was) signed under an anonymous name.  They got to rant and rave and protect the person we all know and love from the wrath that they would have gotten if they would have signed under their real name!!!
Kelly

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Stormchild

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Re: Signing In Under Different Names
« Reply #32 on: March 11, 2007, 12:27:04 PM »
Using more than one alias on a board or chat room is called using a 'sockpuppet'. It creates the impression that there are multiple people involved in the discussion/advocating for a particular point of view, when there is actually only one.

The board has gone through major episodes of sockpuppetry in the past - and I do mean the past; 2003, 2004; VESMB has been around for a few years now. Usually the sockpuppet outbreaks happen at times of prolonged conflict, where people have reacted by feeding energy to the conflict rather than by removing energy from it to allow it to die down.

A conflict that is rooted in attention-seeking will die very quickly if it is not rewarded with attention. A conflict that is rooted in fundamental differences of opinion, values, or personal dislike will not die if onlookers refuse to 'feed' it, but it will usually avoid extreme escalation, and normally either reach some form of resolution or go dormant.

A dormant conflict tends to simmer along and flare up at intervals until one or both parties are reconciled to it [agree to disagree] or to each other [find genuine resolution].

The two types of conflict look, feel, and sound quite different, and it's not hard to tell them apart. Usually, the most constructive thing to do in either case is to let the parties involved have enough room to work it out between themselves unimpeded, and get the board moderator involved pronto if anything escalates to the point of frank abuse or either party begins to exhibit extreme aggression or other signs of instability.

This is not the 'bystander effect'; it's the difference between calling the cops when a fight gets ugly, vs. wading into the fray and joining it.

If people feel that they can't simply stand back, then the most constructive option is to attempt to clarify what the real source of the conflict is, from a stance of genuine neutrality, without taking sides, dropping hints, or baiting either party. Sometimes the real source of a conflict is not what's being held up as the source. This is especially true when conflict arises from something like inappropriate competitiveness or envy, that one party knows is inappropriate but still indulges. It can be very helpful to get that out into the light, and it's very difficult for the target, in that situation, to do it themselves. But this is very difficult, and anyone who tries it usually finds themselves becoming a secondary target pretty quickly.

Most often - everywhere in cyberspace, not just here - sockpuppets are used by people with an interest in keeping a conflict alive. This is not always the person who initiated the conflict [or the person targeted by it]. People sometimes will 'pile on'; using one person's attempt to start an argument as an opportunity to gang up on the other person involved. These folks use sockpuppets too, fairly often, to magnify their numbers.

And sometimes people are simply attracted by drama, find it stimulating, and don't even realize that's what's going on, because this attraction is so pervasive in our culture. If that's the case, just about anyone can end up drawn to and participating in conflicts, 'stuck' to them and unable to detach, while feeling both fascination and aversion at the same time.

Sometimes, though, people just use sockpuppets because they don't feel safe using their customary names. That's usually the first step towards deleting their old account and starting a new one. We've seen that here, too. It happens.
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Lupita

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Re: Signing In Under Different Names
« Reply #33 on: March 11, 2007, 12:47:42 PM »
Never done that. My life is so transparent that everybody would know it is me. My English is so particular, that anybody would recognize it. I am an open book. Trying to learn to hide my emotions. Very  behind in the training. Sorry.
Love to all,
Lupita

dandylife

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Re: Signing In Under Different Names
« Reply #34 on: March 11, 2007, 12:51:52 PM »
Stormchild,
So well said! I love the analogy of the word sockpuppet! I will think of that every time I see this happen. I am awed by your deep understanding of the problem of unresolved conflict. Thanks!
Dandylife
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"He who angers you conquers you." - Elizabeth Kenny

Stormchild

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Re: Signing In Under Different Names
« Reply #35 on: March 11, 2007, 03:57:06 PM »
Hi Lupita

Me too. I joke at work that anyone can tell if I'm annoyed because when I am, my writing will have the word 'therefore' in it. Sad but true.

Dandy

If I understand anything about conflict, I learned most of it from being here for two years, talking to people, hearing their stories, and occasionally butting heads with some of them. [It's just past my 'birthday': I joined March 8, 2005]. What I mostly understand, though, is how much I still need to learn, and how easily I've made mistakes that have prolonged or exacerbated conflicts myself.

Gotten involved when I shouldn't'a.

Spoken in the heat of emotion when I would have done better to wait and cool off and re-read.

Not allowed someone else the time they needed to wait and cool off and re-read.

Been 'baited' into responding when the best thing to do was nothing.

'Baited' others, sometimes unaware and sometimes, sadly, well aware that I was doing so.

Tried to defuse situations via indirect communication when no power on earth could defuse them at that time, and I could have realized that if I'd paid more attention to details.

Addressed situations directly when people seemed to be trying to hurt me deliberately - which was constructive; but when doing so, being unable to resist the compulsion to inflict pain in return, which was destructive.

Watched others become secondary targets, sometimes totally out of the blue, and had no idea what to do about it or how to help them.

And the list goes on...

One thing conflict does provide, whether you're involved or just a spectator, is an opportunity to take your own inventory. First. And there have been a lot of times when I haven't done that.

So - for what it's worth, these are things I know now.

May they help others, and may knowing them now bring me a measure of peace.
« Last Edit: March 11, 2007, 03:58:52 PM by Stormchild »
The only way out is through, and the only way to win is not to play.

"... truth is all I can stand to live with." -- Moonlight52

http://galewarnings.blogspot.com

http://strangemercy.blogspot.com

http://potemkinsoffice.blogspot.com

Lupita

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Re: Signing In Under Different Names
« Reply #36 on: March 11, 2007, 04:16:46 PM »
wow!!!! Stormchild!!! That was impacting!!! :idea: :shock: :o

Leah

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Re: Signing In Under Different Names
« Reply #37 on: March 11, 2007, 05:37:27 PM »

Stormchild,

Your first post is both informative and instructive - thank you.

You second post, whereby you speak with openness, honesty and integrity, is to be admired and respected.

Most certainly, you have my respect.

Leah xx

 
Jun 2006 voiceless seeking

April 2008 - "The Gaslight Effect" How to Spot & Survive by Dr. Robin Stern - freedom of understanding!

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Stormchild

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Re: Signing In Under Different Names
« Reply #38 on: March 11, 2007, 05:54:41 PM »
(((((Lupita)))))
(((((Leah)))))
The only way out is through, and the only way to win is not to play.

"... truth is all I can stand to live with." -- Moonlight52

http://galewarnings.blogspot.com

http://strangemercy.blogspot.com

http://potemkinsoffice.blogspot.com

gratitude28

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Re: Signing In Under Different Names
« Reply #39 on: March 11, 2007, 10:44:33 PM »
Stormy,
VERY comprehensive.
And I also fall into some bad patterns. And I want to be mean and dig up quotes sometimes or do something vindictive, but i really try to hold my tongue until my urges pass. It is hard to get attacked and not want to retaliate. But to me, I feel like attacking back is causing more of a problem, when we all are already defective :) I think making myself sit back and not do what I have felt would be justified has been a good lesson for me and something I struggle with in 3D with destructive people too.
Thank you. I am going to reread your entry.
Love, Beth
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable." Douglas Adams

Stormchild

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Re: Signing In Under Different Names
« Reply #40 on: March 11, 2007, 11:52:46 PM »
(((((Beth)))))

Well, now, you started this... :-)

the thread, I mean. With honesty aforethought...

((((()))))
« Last Edit: March 11, 2007, 11:54:48 PM by Stormchild »
The only way out is through, and the only way to win is not to play.

"... truth is all I can stand to live with." -- Moonlight52

http://galewarnings.blogspot.com

http://strangemercy.blogspot.com

http://potemkinsoffice.blogspot.com