I do remember you, Tremusan.
Welcome back!
A little summary of what went before would be great,
and fill us in when you can...
Or just dive in again.
Welcome home here.
Hops
MARGO/TREMUSAN writes:
A little background...... I found out my N was for sure cheating October 24th last year. He began making fiscal threats ending in a physical assault where he choked and yanked out my hair. I realized I didn't EVER have a marriage. I realized not only was I not safe.... he'd been putting the girls and I in danger the entire 7 year marriage. He wasn't rational. When I phoned his parents to ask for help they told me everything was my fault and didn't believe a word I said about their widdle puddin, lol. I'm so angry at them I've cut off all contact..... even after his mother e mailed she was sorry she doubted the affairs (honestly it never occurred to me they doubted that part) and they wanted me to come to Christmas. As if. They still don't believe he was emotionally and physically terrorizing me.
I've been strong, even when I want to crumble and dissolve. I don't show fear.... even when I'm shaking. I lost about 20 pounds in a month.... I was physically sick and began being vomiting when I was able to eat. So so sick..... my back and neck was seizing. I was on the bathroom floor for hours, unable to move. My N was cruel and consistent with it. Waking me up at 2am and 3am and 4am and 5am..... threat after threat. He called it... "setting me on fire." Then he'd hang up on me or walk out and let me "burn bitch, burn."
I ended up filing for a divorce a few days before Christmas. He drove me to it with a blow torch and a sledge hammer, figuratively, of course. EVERYTHING has been a traumatic drama. Having him served took days, for instance and then he knew I'd filed before hand. HOW??!!?!? Like a demon, he is! HOW DID HE KNOW?!?!? Ahem... I digress, lol.
Once I served him..... he began acting like the perfect father and husband. He cooked and cleaned and shopped, lol! It was madness and I actually had one friend run screaming from the house...... EEEEEEEEing away in her car. I'M the MAYOR OF CRAZY TOWN! We act pretty normal in front of the kids and outsiders, family members, etc. But I tell everyone what goes on under the surface. Something he hates.
So...... I've come to understand that my N cares NOTHING for me or the children. He acts like he does now and thinks that's enough.... to appear to care. He's trying to get me to agree to stay and "work on the marriage" to give him another chance. I wrote a poem about it..... titled.....
Open up and swallow, I love you, pretty please. When he asks me to buy his words, as he always has... he might as well be asking me to swallow little poison pills. But I understand this. I can't say I don't go in and out of confusion..... a circular thing, it is. NO escape from the confusion....
So....... I'm able to laugh again. I'm better educated about what my N is and more importantly.... about why I'm with him and what I have to do to get free. To get happy. To find a better life. Am I still so angry I see white? Ya. Do I realize that's got to end sometime? Ya. Do I know living well is the only revenge I should consider? Yup. My biggest problem now is...... sticking to my guns and raising my children well during this time of divorce strife and struggle. I really suck at war. I'm all about serenity and being authentic as a human being. I know he chose me..... I didn't choose him and not many people aren't attracted to an N. They are exciting and they do flatter us so. So what? We're human and that's OK too. I'm putting together financials.... something I really really suck and and HATE.... I'm putting together evidence and trying to stay on an even keel. I'm surviving but have little energy for all the things that my children have going on at school yet..... I rise up and pull it off.... somehow.
Don't let me sound like I'm all complaints and bitterness. I'm not. I'm just looking forward to some closure and being able to stop being hyper vigilant and watch everything I do and say and place and move and everything he does and says and oh well....... ::sigh:: all things.... good and bad..... must come to an end. That's the update. Margo/Tremusan
