Me the masochist

[axa]

Boy oh boy, don't like this but I think it is true.  I think underneath all the protestations of not wanting to be in the madness I stayed because at some level I felt I deserved the punishment.  for me there is a link with not having boundaries and being a masochist.  I think that my childhood was a continous stream of punishment and this is what I came to consider "normal".  Somewhere deep inside of me I consider taking the punishment as something honourable.  This seems really weird and strange and sad. 

I am so grateful to everyone on this board for the insights that I have developed.  Posting here has really shaken me up and the image I had defined of myself.  I project an image of a very assertive, grounded person and some of it is true but underneath are all the sad realities of feeling I deserve nothing or worse than nothing punishment.  It links in somehow with the addictive process of staying in N relationships.  At least when I am being punished I am being seen.  When I am protesting against the punishment I am hearing my own voice, nobody else is but I am. 

Very interested in comments on this

axa

[Sela]

Hiya Axa:

Here's what came to mind when I read your post:

but underneath are all the sad realities of feeling I deserve nothing or worse than nothing punishment

Isn't this just a self-defeating belief?




Beliefs can be changed and you can decide to change this one.

The trick is repetition and consistency.  It took years of bombarding this message at you to make it stick.  It will take you spending time, every day, repeating new, much more uplifting messages to yourself, along with a clear, consistent mental rejection of every thought that supports the self-feating beliefs that pop into your head.......in order to banish the beliefs that do not help you and form new ones that are useful (and more realistic to boot!).

It can be done!!  I hope you will consider trying?  Maybe make a list of good thoughts/helpful beliefs....and talk the talk as if you already walk the walk.  It will sink in and eventually, the garbage will be sifted out.  You have the power to decide what you think.

Sela

[isittoolate]

hi axa

After the beatings at home, I finally met the man of my dreams and we were together for 5½ years. I left him because he was an alcoholic. I didn't leave him because he beat me.

My priorities were mixed up, because I grew up with physical abuse, it was more natural than alcoholism, I expect. (I never knew AA existed.)

But I know now I am over that and would never take it again, nor the emotional abuse.

I am practicing my assertiveness, even before I "feel".

Love
Izzy

[teartracks]

Hi axa,

Change a woman's  thinking and you change the woman.   Sela's outline can get you started.  On your side...

teartracks

[spyralle]

Was taking the punishment honourable or did it mean that someone could see you....  That you had made an impact on someone...  That you figured enough to get a response albeit a negative one...  I think you are soooo right about familiartiy....  Though it feels painful it is comforting at the same time as it is what we know...  When I am in a relationship with someone who loves me..  I do everything I can to ridicule them and tell myself that they are pathetic....  They must be..  why else would they love me????? 

It's the craving for the love that is more elusive and impossible to attain that drives me into dysfunctional relationships...  because that is what I did as a child.  If only I could be good enough to make them love me then I will wipe out my childhood pain and finally prove I am worthy...  and yet I crave normality with a man with whom I don't have to try.. who just simply loves me for who I am..

Keep going Axa,  Everytime you understand a bit more you protect your self a little bit more....  Awareness is your shield..

Love

Spyralle xxx

[seastorm]

Hi Axa,

Being a masochist is not a good thing. Boy that is a heavy label to drag around when you are pretty broken up already. I seem to remember that masochists are having a lovely time while someone is hurting them  It feels good.

The thing with being abused as a child is that the child gets used to being hurt and has to put up with a lot of hurt to get a little acknowlegement. That is no masochism, that is desperation. That is being emotionally starved when positive mirroring and love is survival for a child.
The ensuing underlying depression sometimes gets a kick start by abuse and drama. It is all so complicated.
I think it is so important to have compassion for yourself. The inner child sure likes this better than, "You were a stupid, self indulgent masachist who royally screwed up">   I think it is more helpful to say to self" Whew! boy that was pretty aweful and I need to find a safer and more nurturing environment and learn how to recognize creepy partners".

My therapist is telling me that I need to help my inner child trust adult me. I do this by keeping inner child out of bad scenes and comforting myself. Trying to still the powerful inner critic.

Sea storm

[axa]

sela

I do agree that I have control over my thoughts but I am trying to understand the reasons I stayed with a crazy person for so long.  I have no doubt it is linked with my abusive childhood but somehow I feel if I name the truth I can move away from my destructive behaviour.

Izzy,

very poor on the assertiveness stakes, I am so passive though anyone who knows me would not agree.  I have a front developed whereby I seem to be in control of so much but any emotional situation and I do NOT act.

Spy,

Thank you, this is what I am getting at the more awareness I have the more chance I have of not repeating the pattern.  I know someone posted here once about what you feel in your body.  When i look back there was always such a buzz in the beginning meeting Ns that is something i need to look out for.  My body knows before my head.



Sea,

I am moving towards compassion for myself.  I have no doubt that I was duped.  I think that inner child of mine does NOT trust the adult me between the two of us we have ended up in some messy places.  The adult me is clear that I never want to do this again, struggling with growing up that little kid

Thanks all,

axa

[spyralle]

Hey Axa,

OMG..  You are so right about the body thing...  I know it well..  It's kind of a fizzy adrenalin burst that takes over my thinking and makes me go all pathetic..  When I get that I go straight into obsessive mode and the person just starts invading my thoughts.. bang they are in and I would give up my nice sensible world to enter that crazyness and literally give them everything I have and take all their crap from them...  I never really connected the two till now.. 

Spyralle x

[Sela]

Hi again Axa:

I see what you're saying.  Those are good goals.   

What I believe is that there are three processes that greatly effect me.  One is thinking, another is feeling, and third, behaviour.   Ofcourse....thoughts and behaviour are certainly an influence on eachother and I don't know if this is true or not, but I suspect.....feelings have the biggest impact of all on both.

It's what's helped me understand my own stuff....the idea that thoughts greatly effect feelings and feelings , if not thoughts and feeling, often effect behaviour and so the one thing I can do to help me is to pay attention to my thoughts and discard or work on replacing those that are not helping me....which will effect the way I feel and therefore the way I act.

Also, when looking at the past, it has helped me to look at how I acted, then determine what I felt, and if I can possibly remember what I was thinking.........then I might be able to catch similar thoughts in future....redirect them and possibly have an influence on the way I feel and act the next time.

Hope this helps.  If not, chuck it to the wind.

  Sela

[sea storm]

Hi  Axa,

I am sending you lots of love and I hope you can feel it.
My heart goes out to you in your grieving and your struggle to come to the light.

Love,

Sea storm