Brutal realisations...

[Stormchild]

((((((((((Spyralle))))))))))

You're seeing it now. You can describe it. You know what it is. You can get away from it. You can avoid being made to feel guilty about escaping from it...

That's what matters. That, and the wind in your hair as you blade along the promenade. Free.

(((((((((())))))))))

[reallyME]

Spy:

when you said that they love to watch me squirm and feel deserted that makes so much sense.  There was someone else on holiday with us... another female friend of theirs who I get on with very well..

That's good if you get along with the other lady very well, because, if she is hanging with "Miss N" I would not be surprised if that "getting along" does not change to the lady suddenly turning against you, though I hope it's not the case for you, ever.  I've walked in those shoes.

B kept saying that he must make sure he got her to the airport on the last day as she was on a different flight to us..  It was the total opposite of the way he was being with me...

That's what they do, yes, exactly.  They will favor other people in front of you, right to your face (especially if you let on that it BOTHERS you to be slighted, while they fawn over others in front of you)

[spyralle]

Oh my God.... I have to keep saying it too myself.. They are N's they are N's they are N's.....The more I can't believe it the more I believe it...  That superiority...It's all there....  How could I not have seen it..  How could I not have noticed..  How could I have been soooo desperate to call them my friends...  the people I trust are just dwindling around me....

You know what though.. somewhere in the depths of my soul there is the tiniest sense of relief..

S x

[reallyME]

Spyralle,

You asked yourself "how could I not see it?  how could I put up with it," etc (loosely repeated on my end)...let me help you answer that question.

You, Spy, happen to most likely be a DECENT PERSON, who LOVES other people.  You are someone who TRUSTS and CARES, and OVERLOOKS the faults in others.  You are the GOOD one in this situation.  The Narcissists knew what buttons to push, what points to lean in on you with, what to do so that you'd trust and crack, then trust again, till you gave up almost all of who you were and came out in the end with almost nothing but feeling used, abused, confused and ultimately having been made invisible except when the N's wanted you at their command.  I've been there, done that.

Just remember, their terrible, unbelievable behavior is about THEM, not you!

Laura

[Hopalong]

Spyralle,

I know you will make new friends throughout your life.
You have just outgrown these people.
I really believe no friendship is wasted and they sometimes come and go in cycles.
Life is long. You have grown. You see more than you did before...

It so painful, but this experience is a success, not a failure, hon.

I am so impressed for your honesty in seeing how they really are.

love
Hops

[spyralle]

I love you guys.. I can't say I am not totally and utterly shocked... but I see it... I see it...  It's like someone is turning up the dimmer switch..  I so easily blame myself for stuff and it's a horrible thing to think that people may get off on that... Especially the friends that I would have trusted with my life...  Or would I really..  If I am being brutally honest..  Would I trust them..  And if I would then why..??  Judgemental, arrogant, racist, and Narcissistic..  but with that manipulative twist of giving me the good before they start to  have fun..  Nice cocktail and one I am very used to swallowing...

Spy xxxx

[reallyME]

Spy,

I enjoy the way you express your feelings, because I like to post in this group, but something has to really interest me for me to contribute...your posts help give me things to want to comment on lately.  Thank you.

you said:

I so easily blame myself for stuff and it's a horrible thing to think that people may get off on that...

I have met a lot of people who feel this way.  Sometimes I have to really keep myself "in check" on things, and guard myself from belittling people.  Your post helped me realize that I'm not narcissistic in this sense.  I don't get off on seeing people blame themselves...in fact, it really upsets me when I see the damage in a grown adult's life, that usually their upbringing had to do with.

There are some people I know very personally, who, their first reaction to anything is to react defensively to protect themselves or else to self-blame.  My first reaction is NOT to get off on that, but usually I have to keep myself from rolling my eyes and saying "oh brother, come ON...you KNOW I wasn't blaming you for THAT."  Lately, though, I've begun realizing WHY people self-blame or defend, and my heart breaks for them. 

I will tell you this.  Anyone who belittles you, rolls their eyes at your pain, or gets off on you hurting, is doing it because they are UNABLE TO FEEL YOUR FEELINGS or, in more complicated verbage, TO EMPATHIZE with you.  I am usually very empathic, but when I meet adults who are stuck in childlike states of mind, I've had to learn to FEEL with them FIRST, then respond with kindness and understanding, rather than feel the "oh brother, come off it, grow up" type of feelings that I sometimes battle.

Remember that the Narcissistic person, learned to practice NOT feeling remorse, guilt, sadness over people's pain...and over the years of practicing that, PRACTICE MADE PERFECT at it.

It's not  YOU, it's THEM.


~Laura

[Hopalong]

Laura, I am so impressed with this maturity and growth of yours:

I've had to learn to FEEL with them FIRST, then respond with kindness and understanding, rather than feel the "oh brother, come off it, grow up" type of feelings that I sometimes battle

It's like humility without shame. The right stuff.

Loved reading this.

Hops

[reallyME]

As always, Hops, I appreciate your comments.  Coming from you, someone a lot of us on this list admire, that means SO MUCH!

~Laura

[spyralle]

I've really been thinking about this with the help of you all and it is like someone has turned a light on.  Empathy is a massive thing to have Laura and I suppose I just expect everyone to be able to do it...  I remember when I first started to be conscious of it..  I was working with a soldier who had been in the Falklands war..  he was telling me about his experience and was very animated as he was talking about killing the ememy.  eventually though he stopped talking in that exciteable way and the room became silent.  In that silence I felt engulfed with a childlike fear and sadness and I couldn't work out where it was ccoming from...  I stayed in the room but was really having to try to hold it together..  eventually the soldier spoke and he told me that he had shot at the ememy who had fallen..  As the soldier lay thaere he could hear the boy he had shot crying for his mother and he realided then that he had actually shot another human being..  I realised that the fear and sadness that had engulfed me was his..  Sorry if I'm going on a bit but I need to get to grips with something here...

My ex N once called me a sad f**k at a dinner party as he thought I spent too much time caring about the homeless etc (I work with addicts).  He couldn't comprehend why I would care..  and now I am beginning to realise that I can't comprehend why someone wouldn't care..  I'm not saying I'm saintly or anything God knows I'm not, but I have compassion and I am beginning to see that N's really don't..  It has been really difficult for me over the past 20 months to work out how someone can lie to you for three years, steal £27,000.000 and walk away without blinking..  I guess I couldn't understand it becuase I never put myself in his shoes..  See that's what I do with my clients etc...  I try to see it from their shoes rather than my own....  I always assumed that somewhere he would be able to understand how I could be feeling, but I am beginning to get the fact that he is incapable and never even tried..  I guess L and B are the same...  B more than L I think..  Still I text L on Sunday as she had had to apply for her own job again and had not got it.  I just asked was she OK..  I also told her that the estate agent had been round...  She sent me lots of texts back about jobs etc but never once mentioned the fact that I had finally put my house on the market even though she knew what a massive thing it was for me...  Or did she.. Has it just been my fantasy that she understands who I am...

I wonder how it would feel to stand in the shoes of an N...

[debkor]

Spyralle,

We can (only) wonder what it feels like to stand in an N's shoes.  Same way they can't feel what it's like to stand in ours nor do they have a clue on how to go about it.

Cause they think they walk ON WATER!!!

Deb

[reallyME]

Well, thinkin about a person with some real self-absorbtion issues, I would have to say, in answer to your question of how it might feel to stand in her shoes...TERRIFYING AND CONFUSING.  She was always so afraid that she wouldn't be able to look strong, have all the answers for people, and most of all, that people would leave her...but at the same time, with a smugness, she would say "if they want to leave, then FINE, I don't NEED anyone!"

~Laura

[moonlight52]

Hi Spy ,

Any personal relationship that is not operating with truth and integrity renders spirit with a feeling of worthlessness.

And to find compassion this relationship must be detached from or transmuted.

Lots of people can relate to acting out of ego and old wounds but when this behavior is rigid and controlling the problems occur.

People can spend years trying to heal a situation that just can not be healed.After years of trying to do so spirit and energy can  become ineffective.

To regain self spirit must be a win win thingy.

love to you

moon