Good god, no. You are not a bad mother.
And if you discover with J that you have a personal side you hadn't expressed before, that is nobody else's business. Ever. (But if you find it's real for you, be brave and UNASHAMED.)
Your mother is jealous.
Someone else is receiving your attention and has earned your trust and confidence.
Your mother is forfeiting her right to be a primary person to confide in by treating you this way.
My advice is, the MOMENT your mother says anything abusive, or raises her voice to you,
you say,
"I have reaized in order to take care of myself and my children, I cannot allow anyone to speak to me in this way. I will talk to you later when you are calmer. Goodbye." CLICK. Same goes for when you visit her. "I will visit again later, goodbye." DOOR CLOSES QUIETLY.
This is the time in your life to wake up, stand up, and be your own strength.
You have it. You can dig in and find it.
Somewhere inside yourself, you realize that you do not deserve to be anyone's doormat.
Bless you for your courage and bless J for being your stalwart friend. (Anything else she is or becomes is noone else's business.)
I know plenty of happy, calm, sensible lesbians with good lives and loving partnerships. It's not a curseword except in the minds of the fearful and bigoted. You may not know right now what direction you are going...and THAT'S OKAY.
Support to you,
Hops