CRAZY

[oc]

My mom and I had a blow up.  i ran out of work balling.  I told her I cannot do this any more!

[debkor]

Oc,

That's ok oc. Crying is good. Your frustrated, angry, and  mentally exhausted.  Cry your eyes out.
((((oc))))))

Love Deb

[Hopalong]

(((((((((((((((Kell))))))))))))))))))

Maybe you're telling yourself the truth.
You can't do this anymore.

You can figure out what this is.

And you can find a way out of your reactions or of the job.
It will happen, I have faith.

hugs to you, I'm sorry.

Hops

[oc]

Bottom line?  I told mom that whenever she is 80 or 90 And wants to retire I will step back in but if she and aunt think they can run it go ahead!  Bookkeeper is leaving too.  She told me my mom is insane.  Makes a decision and then asks who made that stupid decision six months later.  Crying and napping.  Depressed even with anti depressantp.

[oc]

I have been laying around all day.  I am angry.  My mom said "you are depressed but do not need counseling?"  VERY SARCASTIC!  I told her I had done all my research and I was not the one who needed counseling.  The bookkeeper and I both feel so defeated and un appreciated.  I figured it out-anyone I am for she is against and anyone I am against she is for.

[gratitude28]

Speaking of crazy...
I almost wish I were in your shoes! I wish someone would tell me my mother is crazy. I wish I could get mad at her and tell her I am finished with her.
I am not making light of your situation... It must be so nice to have someone agree with you.
Take care of yourself.
Love, Beth

[oc]

It is gratifying to know that you are not the crazy one.  And to watch my mother push bookkeeper out knowing how key she is to the success of the operation.  To my mom it is more importent to be "in charge" than to make good business decisions.  But I know my mom sees my falling apart my problem.  She will never admit any wrong doing.  I am fortunate to be able to still get paid while I am trying to figure out my future.

[Overcomer]

In an earlier post I talked about having raging dreams.  That is what is happening to me.  I wake up from some unrelated dream where someone steals my parking space or gives me poor customer service or whatever and I am livid when I wake up.  I realize that every part of my existence is seething with anger.  Yes, I am sad but I am more mad than anything.  The word "hate" keeps popping in my mind and my nmom doesn't realize that I have snapped again.  I just went to Monster.com and applied for another job.  Similar to the one I didn't get after waiting for four months!!  Same type of product!!!  So my anger is going to be channeled into running as fast and as far away from my nmom as possible.  And she doesn't get it.  I am done.  I don't even want a personal relationship with her.  Yes, I'll be nice at Easter but she is NO friend of mine.  I will not get into a car with her or go on another vacation with her......no sleeping in the same hotel room as her......nothing!!  It is OVER!!!!

[Gaining Strength (guest)]

OC - you have reached your limit.  I am sorry that you or any of us have experienced what we have with FOO or spouse or store clerk.  But I am glad you have reached your limit.  Your dream, your anger, your resolve come from that deep wound, that deep unresolved wound.  We all need a true mother.  I personally don't believe that that desire or need goes away even when we are healed and I personally believe that it is even greater for those of us who did not have a nurturing, caring, supportive, competent mother.  I long for one - to this very day. 

I am supporting you 100% to use your anger to get a new job.  I am encouraging you to talk to  yourself and redirect that anger that is suppressed and causing your depression.  It is directed at yourself because on some level probably from the time when you were even pre-verbal your mother gave you the same message she did the other day - "Something is wrong with YOU."  Well she was wrong and she was projecting onto you and as a innocent child you took it on - probably as a way to be compliant and thereby winning her over - a survival technique.  You did survive and now it is time to throw off that survival mechanism and consciously acknowledge to yourself that the depressive feeling comes in part from her blaming you for your imperfections.  Mentally redirect those feelings.  As you feel down, acknowledge your depression and say out loud or to yourself, "These feelings belong to my mother not myself and I reject them."  You may find this helpful if you repeat it over and over. 

I wish you freedom from your depression and your pain.  I am glad you reached your limit.  You have suffered so long.

I support whatever decisions you make in order to protect yourself and free yourself.  I recently read and believed that any decision is better than no decision.  Be willing to make a mistake.  you will get to the right place because you have a strong determination.

your friend - GS

[oc]

Thank you GS The support of this board is the only place I feel supported and loved.  I have snapped.  Our relationship is nothing less than superficial.  It is done.  Over.  Final.  Drop kick.  Phoney.   

[Leah]

((((((((  OC  ))))))))

[Hopalong]

You're okay, Kell.
You are not evil for feeling flashes of hatred for your mother.
It's not permanent...it's not who you are, I don't think.

It's the intolerable irritation and frustration, like sleeping on rough sand, of never getting away.

You are yourself, an adult woman, strong and smart and a survivor (consider your hubby).

So you are going to succeed at one of these interviews, and you WILL have a free life.

Don't forget that is real and true and will happen (even while you have a big dip in energy and feelings).

And once the anger dissipates, you'll be at peace, or much more often so.

You deserve it.

love
Hops

[oc]

Thanks all.  I picked up the Wizard of Oz and other N Again.  It validated my feelings when I went to the chapter on adult children of N and I read about me and the extreme feelings I have.  Part of me wants to copy that chapter and give it to my mom but she would not get past the n label so she would not see herself at all but I know it is true.  I will be fine !

[oc]

Early morning and this feeling pervades my waking up and going asleep.  I cannot shake it and when the bookkeeper leaves I will never go back!

[CB123]

Yeah, Kelly!  Your determination will carry you forward! 

I am knee deep in my own determination  .  When I can come up for air, I'll let you know how it turns out!

CB