How Does One Go About Finding The Right Social Fit?

[introvert]

One would expect the Oscar party to be blatantly superficial and the Friday evening dinner party to have substance.  I think I'm all mixed up! I almost always leave social events with the same feeling I had Friday evening.  It simply was a waste of time.  Don't know if that is a fault of mine, that I have unreasonable expectations or what.

I would like it if dinner parties had substance. A few people gathered around good food seems to me a likely setting for an interesting exchange. I might attend with that expectation, but be ready for my expectation not to be met.

Perhaps the people at the party you attended weren’t a good mix for a ‘substance’ event. The group wasn’t right, at that moment, for that type of exchange. Maybe another time with different approaches it might have worked? Maybe not.

I wonder what your host thinks of the event? I wonder how she expected it to go?

I don’t think it’s any fault of yours TT. I do think sometimes things don’t work out as expected and we can let them go as, well, it just didn’t happen tonight. But it’s the group that didn’t work. I wonder what expectations the other people took to the party, and if their expectations weren’t met.

How does one find the right social fit? Keep trying I guess. I don’t think there is a ‘right’ social fit as such. Sometimes I can have an interesting time with people, sometimes not. Sometimes I can ask the most oxygen-grabbing people probing questions which makes them interesting to me (and so I have an interesting time, mostly within my head, mostly after the event).

Maybe a question would be: what would be an enjoyable social event for you and how could you try and help that to happen?

[Hopalong]

Maybe an event that combined sociableness with meaning?

My church (happens to be Unitarian Universalist, but others do this too) has Covenant Groups. We meet in small groups 2x a month...same group, so you get to know people more deeply. We have wine and a lovely potluck to start, that's sort of the "just social" part, then we move to a circle where we have a small ritual with opening words, and a topic that has depth, and an opportunity for each person to speak from the heart about it (you can pass if you don't want to talk), and then time to dialogue about it with deep listening, then a closing reading, and we go home. It's really a wonderful experience. I've gotten closer to these 8-10 people, ranging from 30s to a man in his 90s.

Wonder how that would be for you, TT?

hugs
Hops

[teartracks]

Hi Iz,


Well TT, I love the fact we are in the same age group,

Huh?  I'm thirty nine!

no electricity, no phone, a two-holer outhouse, complete with Sears catalogue, and a battery radio?

Oh yes!  Bless TVA's little old dams!

Honest expression tempered with understanding and love are good things.  I like the way you think.  The way you see and express doesn't ruffle my feathers in the least.  But then I'm a bit quirky and may not be the best judge, except others are telling you the same thing.  So maybe we're operating on all cylinders for the present!

tt




 

[isittoolate]

OMG TT
I'm sorry

I thought you said you were 70--must be someone else, if you're 39.

Hey out there!!! Who is 70?????????

I thought there was someone close to my age. You KNOW anyone 70, tt??
Love
Izzy

[seastorm]

Dearest Izzy,

Sometimes I am one hundred, sometimes 7, sometimes 30. Most important is heart, brain, soul, still breathing. I don't care how old you are and I hope you don't give a fig how old I am.  For intstance, Miss Marpole ( one of my heroines) is god knows how old but she is with it, still thinking and solving mysteries of life, refuses to be muzzled. Sister Theresa was a good egg too.

Women over 70 be proud, defiant, and willing to share your wisdom.

Love,
Sea storm

[Overcomer]

I find that when I in back to my home town I can get together with old friends and have a good time.  But they all want to party so at age 47 I cannot really do that!  I was lucky enough to find two other couples that really clicked with my h and I.  I am not really comfortable in a group of people I do not know and have to work the crowd.  It reminds me of Nick Nolte in the Prince of Tides.  Lowensteins Husband was an ass!

[towrite]

Indeed it is an interesting question, tt. You sound like me in a number of ways. And I don't have the answer. I don't have many friends, tho' I'm an extrovert. I do not say this to brag - really - but my high i.q. makes lots of people shun me. The turmoil and trauma of the past 10 years have dampened my "party" instinct quite a bit - as a result I am more serious than I'd like to be. But when I force it, it's embarrassing. I spend most of my time alone and have decided to let it be what it is - let ME be what I is. The few people who don't care if I'm serious or not will get my attention b/c I know I can trust them with my real self, whatever that is at the moment. In the several cities I have lived in, I always found it hard to find compadres of like mind, etc. I cannot do small talk - the children's goings-on, recipes, balancing my checkbook, etc. I want and need to talk about things that matter, topics that have heart and soul. I tried for years to be light and fluffy and it just exhausted me. I get lonely, sure. But after all this time I've learned to like being with myself, doing what I like to do. When it gets too much, I call one of those friends I trust.

Here's another poem I like very much:

"A shady friend - for Torrid days -
Is easier to find -
Than one of higher temperature
For Frigid hour of mind-

The Vane a little to the East -
Scares Muslin souls - away -
If Broadcloth Hearts are firmer -
Than those of Organdy -

Who is to blame? The Weaver?
Ah, the bewildering thread!
The Tapestries of Paradise
So notelessly - are made!"

E. Dickinson

Please let me know if you find the answer.

[mudpuppy]

Izzy,

I thought you said you were 70--must be someone else, if you're 39.

I think tt is 39 in the same way that Jack Benny was.

mud

[teartracks]

I think tt is 39 in the same way that Jack Benny was.[/color



tt

[isittoolate]

mud and tear

Don't think I didn't think of that, then I wondered if y'aLL WERE OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW ABOUT HIM.........

FROM GRANNEEEEEEEEEEEEE
iZZY

[WRITE]

I haven't read but your post here TT but I want to say- go ahead, write it as a play, it'll be brilliant and I am sure cathartic to make something positive out of a potentially wasted evening ( you know I believe nothing is ever wasted...)

I have these social times too sometimes, with high-maintenance people who can't relax enough to have fun, I also can be rather intense myself which I've learned I have to tone down!