Indeed it is an interesting question, tt. You sound like me in a number of ways. And I don't have the answer. I don't have many friends, tho' I'm an extrovert. I do not say this to brag - really - but my high i.q. makes lots of people shun me. The turmoil and trauma of the past 10 years have dampened my "party" instinct quite a bit - as a result I am more serious than I'd like to be. But when I force it, it's embarrassing. I spend most of my time alone and have decided to let it be what it is - let ME be what I is. The few people who don't care if I'm serious or not will get my attention b/c I know I can trust them with my real self, whatever that is at the moment. In the several cities I have lived in, I always found it hard to find compadres of like mind, etc. I cannot do small talk - the children's goings-on, recipes, balancing my checkbook, etc. I want and need to talk about things that matter, topics that have heart and soul. I tried for years to be light and fluffy and it just exhausted me. I get lonely, sure. But after all this time I've learned to like being with myself, doing what I like to do. When it gets too much, I call one of those friends I trust.
Here's another poem I like very much:
"A shady friend - for Torrid days -
Is easier to find -
Than one of higher temperature
For Frigid hour of mind-
The Vane a little to the East -
Scares Muslin souls - away -
If Broadcloth Hearts are firmer -
Than those of Organdy -
Who is to blame? The Weaver?
Ah, the bewildering thread!
The Tapestries of Paradise
So notelessly - are made!"
E. Dickinson
Please let me know if you find the answer.