detachment from mother

[Daisysforyou]

Hello to all, and so glad I found this site for I have many questions.  It came out in marriage counseling a year ago that my mother is NPD, so as it turns out, all of my suffering had a reason.  40+ years of bad memories and ill feelings actually wasn't my fault, according to her it was.   I made the decision to take time away from my mother, to heal and re-access my life and who I am.  Knowing her persistence, I allowed her the option to email me.  However, she has battled my decision from the start and of course made it all about her, now a year later, I feel better, my life is so much better without the negativity etc... but.....the entire world says to make things right with your mother or you won't be right with the world so what am I to do?? Are there others out there that have detached from their own mother?? Do you ever give the relationship another chance knowing that it will always be some what painful?  I really need to know what others have done about this. Thank-you!

[poetprose]

I think you are on the road you need to be on right now....!!!  Good for you I applaud your courage

maybe when you get right within you, begin the healing setting good bounderies trusting yourself again... then maybe you approach your mom when you are ready and enabled so as to work with who is ....

what is your thoughts on that?

[Overcomer]

Welcome to my world.  When she starts to make you question yourself remember-YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM!

[SilverLining]

.....the entire world stays to make things right with your mother or you won't be right with the world so what am I to do??

It's a good question and it seems to me you are on the right track.   IMHO a lot of what "the world" believes is crazy.  JC himself said "your enemies are those of your own household".   Maybe this applies particularly in N dominated families? 

My approach lately has been to play along with the game of appearances for the worlds sake while still doing my best to keep the N-ish FOO at arms length psychologically.  I don't fight with my parents, or confront them with their Nism.  I don't believe it would do any good.  I just stay away.  Eventually they get used to it and come up with Nish explanations of why things are they way they are (I am selfish, distant whatever) but that's their problem.    I believe detachment is more of an internal process.     

[Gaining Strength]

Daisysforyou - I logged on to post something about my current struggle with my mother and lo and behold there was your thread topic - as though it was waiting for my.  

I have been struggling to figure out what is bothering me so much about my mother beyond the normal.  I finally got a word that gets to my issue - oppressive.  My mother is oppressive.  She outwardly appears normal, kind, functioning.  She has friends and is active and has a much better life than I.  But she is completely out of touch with her passive agressiveness which manifests as a simpering wet puppy.  

When she says, "I love you." It is not as in giving a gift of love it is as if she is demanding something.  It is as if she is saying, "I love you and therefore you need to be nicer to me." or "I love you and therefore you need to be my servant."

But I am chosing to be in contact with my mother for now.  By doing so I can work at identifying what has kept me trapped in my life.  Part of it is this ridiculous interdependency.  But the way I am learning to handle that is by drawing boundaries - not for her to abide by but for me.  I am learning to let her passive aggressiveness and infantile helplessness wash over me rather than pull me in.  

It has to do with learning to cut my emotional ties.  Being in proximity without engaging emotionally.  

And then I have created imaginary parents to deal the the need for nurturing, encouraging and supportive parents.  I turn to them often and they make a real difference in my life.  And then of course, I come here and get great support and encouragement.

My heart is with you. - GS

[Overcomer]

gs You took the words right out of my mouth!  I am wondering how many of us are living parallel lives?

[Gaining Strength]

It helps to find others doesn't it Overcomer?

[gratitude28]

tj-
What a profound and wonderful post!!!!! Thank you thank you! This is what I have been needing to hear. Daisy, I agree 100% with tj. My parents have put in about no effort towards having a relationship with me. I was the one who kept up things for years and never even realized it. They said they didn't need to because I "was so far away." They have never thought I might be lonely or need help. It has always been about them. No matter what you will do, it will ALWAYS be about them. I believe tj is so right in saying it is an internal process that helps you separate from them.
((((((((((((((daisy)))))))
Love, Beth

[Overcomer]

I agree.  To have others in the same predicaments as you is very validating and helps you not feel all alone with the mean evil n.

[Daisysforyou]

In reply to : poetprose

Yes, you are right on with your thoughts on this subject! I do need to realize my boundaries, which isn't easy when you are taught early on to respect your parents, no matter what-It's easier to "respect" when at a distance- I was taught "voicelessness" at an early age, I'd guess about 3 years old, and at serious times when a child needed to have a voice.
Now that I have a "voice" I think I am afraid of what I would say to her in a tense situation! I say this because she is my Mother but she behaves like a 12 year old which is mind boggling when trying to make a point- I refuse to go back to the way we were before.  She is single and very dependent on me and based on a letter she sent me last week, she hasn't learned anything over the past year except that she couldn't control the length of the  separation.  She finally realized that I am going to take all the time I need.
Back to boundaries, It's going to take much work on my part, my scars run deep, I'm a bit "gun shy". This move my have been courageous, but not without sacrifice, she has managed to include my siblings and my oldest son into her misery, which in turn has pushed them away.  My son called me up scolding me-that is until I explained the real story to him.  See the chaos when I'm not in her life? Imagine it when I am available.   Much, much work ahead. Thank-you for your input.

[Daisysforyou]

In reply to GS:

Your situation sounds so familiar- the "What have you done for me lately" syndrome! My mother is single and has been for many years, so she played on mine and my husbands sympothies because she didn't have anyone else. We did a lot for her over the years for a big thank-you, but at some point, you'd think a dinner could be prepared, or a pizza ordered.   But it just got to the point where we would give her a ride somewhere and she would start b_ _ _  _ ing about the music we were listening too, or complaining that the kids get to do what they want to do and so on..... offering $2 for gas when It cost me $45, talk about being taken advantage of. I haven't ever gotten a " I love you".  I don't think she is capable of that one. Sometimes I received a " you know I really appreciate you driving" then gives me the $2.  She has plenty of money, just a cheapskate.  I allowed her to do this... I was raised on manipulation and guilt! 

This is where I'm stuck- So if I was to be asked my my mom to take her on a day trip somewhere, would I then say, sure, the gas will be $45 are you going to pay for half????

GS, it sounds like you are doing quite welll with your situation and it does really help to know how others are handling their situation- thank-you very much for your input!


daisysforyou








 

[Overcomer]

How about you ask her for all $45?  And $10 For your time?

[towrite]

Hi there daisy...

I hear how freeing it can be to detach from the N mother. I did the same thing years ago, but in a different way. I do not know how I did it, but I was able to 90% detach emotionally from my N mother yet still stay in contact. We did not live in the same town, sometimes not in the same state. Eventually, with the death of my brother and her increasing age, I think she got the message that if she mistreated me, I'd go away. She feared that. Now I can call her on stupid N things she does and says and she doesn't get upset. She doesn't necessarily listen, either, but we are now in the same city and I am using her like she used me for so many years. It also helps that my N father is dead; he was violent toward all of us, and he made her N-sm worse. She can still hurt me every now and then, mostly when it's a surprise. But it doesn't last long. I supply her when it suits me, and only sometimes does she get the better of me.

Pay attention to what makes you feel better. Know it, own it, and rely on it.

Glad you wrote in.

Towrite

[Gaining Strength]

towrite - I really like this concept

I was able to 90% detach emotionally from my N mother yet still stay in contact.

That is my goal for many reasons.  It helps me deal with the loss of my longing for family.  It helps me practise over and over the very important process of "detachment" and it strengthens me by helping me identify some of the buried wounds that still need healing. Thanks for sharing this - GS