Anger

[Hopalong]

Stormy,

The nice thing about the quotes block is that the color of it matches the color of my TONGUE.

PPW-E

[James73]

Hey Axa, I have a lot of anger but I find that you can channel it in negative or positive ways. Here's what I experience:

I get extremely angry thoughts when thinking about my treatment by N's and I sit there fuming thinking how I would confront them, wondering if I should, scared of what I might do to them in my rage - this kind of anger just winds me up, makes be bitter and twisted and ultimately makes me unhappy.

However most of the time I just picture an N and their pathetic wicked face contorted by their ugly filthy soul and I laugh at their pain and sad little lives becuase no matter how rich and how powerful they become they will still be spirtiual losers who've acheived nothing but bringing pain and suffering to others (I would like to add that I laugh in my head as if I just started laughing inanely out loud I think I'd be going a little dollaly although I have to say a little evil chuckle may escape my lips from time to time  ) So when I've pictured my desired idiot in my mind I then channel all that hatred and anger into making myself do something constructive and positive with my day. And each day I become more constructive and more positive and until eventually I will become so positive and happyand contented that the N's will be utterly forgotten as a passing footnote of my life so horray and hurrah!!

Hmmm I think thats how I doing things anyway  Gotta go my cheese on toast is going cold! 
James

[CB123]

Hops,

Me, too!!!!   


James,

You're the best!  I'm so glad you're here.   


CB

[James73]

Thanks CB Im glad to be here 
Love ya all
James

[Overcomer]

I like what James said about laughing.  And thinking of them all contorted.  I believe my anger has turned to bitterness and has turned inward.  That worries me because of the health ramifictions it could cause.

[James73]

Hey OC, yes bitterness is an ugly thing which I think we have all experienced to some degree or another. To let ourselves become bitter because of an N though is unacceptable and if you are bitter then you need to get rid of it quick smart as the N has suceeded in making your life a continuous misery which is exactly what they want. It is the N's hatred of themselves and of others happiness that leads them to wreak havoc upon our lives, and this abuse they subject us too will have a myriad of effects upon us, it will make us depressed, angry and bitter and the longer they abuse us the more of their abuse we receive and the more angry and bitter we become. These feelings though can be overcome no matter how entrenched they are and I think a good laugh can do wonders although it'll take a  more concentrated effort to halt the bitterness as I know it is a powerful emotion and it can easily become a quickly learnt habitual behaviour.

I found this link on bitterness which I think is interesting, I havent read it completely through but it looks helpful and may help bitterness be defeated which is a good thing 

http://www.newhope.bc.ca/97-04-20.htm

I also found this one which looks eqaully as helpful   

http://www.christian.connections-c.com/bit.html

I hope you can get rid of the bitterness soon as you are kind and generous spirit who does not need such an emotional companion bringing you down, hugs to you and all.
James

[Overcomer]

Thanks!  I am focusing on praying FOR my n mom.  I have been reading and praying.  I know without releasing my bitterness I am the only one who loses.  Plus I believe it gets in the way of any blessings I may get!

[James73]

Hey OC, glad the links are useful to you    I dont feel that bitter much  , these days but its good to see how the mechanism works so that I wont fall back into the trap
Peace be with you always
James

[isittoolate]

Hello all,

Since I have put away all my feelings, I don't know if there is one that is running my life. If I had to guess, it would be 'fear' in whatever dose. Fear of saying something wrong to.................................. fear of being in another car crash

I believe I have a bottomless pit of anger, but I don't recall being angry with anyone since the N, or before. I had to yell to be heard over him--useless.

If I ever 'peel back the layers' to expose me to myself-----------I wonder what will spill forth first?????

I sense I am entering a vey scary part of life, if the therapist can be helpful enough to uncover the real me.

xx
Izzy

[Overcomer]

Iz We are here for you.  Someone told me anger is fear, was that you?  Do you have flash backs of the car crash?  I am afraid of dying in a crash, I have had so many friends killed in cars.  I am with you!

[Gaining Strength]

I have found that under my anger was a whole mess of emotions.  I have learned to call them by name and not deny or suppress them.  Over time I am able to figure out the source of my bad feelings and that has been so healing.  When I feel resentment or jealousy (which are closely related for me) I am keenly aware that my father was so regimented about what he would allow me to do or have that I unknowingly became bitter and resentful.  After a lifetime of being unaware those feelings I FINALLY realized that they not only existed but were abounding in me.  Now when I recognize them I turn it around and say consciously to myself, "I'm glad they have that in their life.  I hope to have it in mine sometime."  And all the sting of the resentment or bitterness goes away.

I am working on that with fear as well.  I have an unbelieveable fear about failing everything I do. It also took me eons to realize this.  I was completely unaware of the presense of any fear.  But it has to do with my father's unbearable criticism and perfiectionism.  NOTHING I ever did or hoped to do would pass the muster.  I had no idea that I was plagued by that in every single action I took - even in private, even in my own thoughts.  That's the power of this terrible abusive N stuff.  So now I have to  pray for courage and confidence over simple things - like hemming my son's pants for Easter or cooking dinner or grocery shopping.  But at least I have figured it out and CAN do something about it.

Izzy - I once was afraid of crying or never stopping crying and I have been afraid of the anger as well.  But somehow as I moved through it I have found myself on the other end of both of those.  You are moving through them as well. - GS

[isittoolate]

Hi All,

I have an unbelieveable fear about failing everything I do. It also took me eons to realize this.See? GS said it better than I! I cannot name a particular fear--just vague fear about nothing and everything.

I have no flashbacks of the car crash, or of anything. I have memories that come to  mind, in the form of still photgraphs. No more PTSD or nightmares. Long over. Every memory has a photograph.

Sometimes I think I will live forever, as it will take forever to sort me out and I will live to see my one child die, and my 3 grandchildren as well.

These are irrational thoughts, but I must be 'fixed' to eliminate these thoughts.

My ANGER, as I mentioned before , is pointing at me, for not being 'normal' enough to understand anger, in its proper perspective!

IZZY

[Gaining Strength]

Nope, no not exactly.  It's not about perspective, it's about overload.  You've had overload Izzy.  That's what you are dealing with.  But I truly believe that with your therapist you will begin to release this stuff because it will be safe.  I also bellieve that this loving community offers many of us a place to experience true support and encouragement and nurturing that is necessary to crack our turtle shells open just enough to let some of the good stuff in to heal that deep ulcerated soar underneath and then we will crack it open a little more again and again until we get enough healing to move through this stuff.  - That's my 2 cent's worth - GS

[Overcomer]

The process takes so long.  It IS like an onion.  Just when I think I am getting better my mom conveniently forgets a decision we make or makes it a point to put some poor unsuspecting person in their place.  It truly is like a sore that will not heal.  Just when you think it is almost gone the wound is reopened and you feel like you are starting all over.  But the thing that keeps me going is the hope-the anticipation that God will not make me endure this forever!  That one day I will be free!!

[isittoolate]

I have found this the best place of all to say what I say and have people translate it for me.
This can be daily, the Therapist is weekly.
I am still trying to understnad/figure out, who I am, but am getting some insights!
It is important to me, but it is also Important that I am able, financially, to live without worry. At $106.00 an hour and 10 years to be come who I really am-- just to die, makes sense, then again does not make sense.

I liove alone and keep my solitude so that people who do not know about me, will not give me misleading informatiom/suggestions.

xx
Izzy