May I share my original story with those interested, but in private?

[sea storm]

ReallyMe:

This charismatic person who seemed to offer you everything you ever dreamed of in a friend sounds like a bonafide narcissist. The build up and then the devaluing sure fit. It must have seemed amazing.
I don't think I believe in mentors anymore. Especially if the mentor is in a sort of top dog position. It is bound to get messy.
Somehow I think that what I really need to find the mentor in myself, the core person who is very wise and undefeatable and who knows what is best for me.

Internet friendships get intimate very quickly for several reasons. However, the missing body language is really important in reading the person and knowing what is real and what is fantasy. It must be such a shock to see the person in real life and it can often be very disappointing.
In the past I have made some people my whole life and built my world around them. I am learning that I need to build my life around myself so that I don't completely collapse when someone leaves me. Hard lesson.

My ex went off with a woman he was communicating on line with. So I read a lot about it. One needs to be very very careful.
I hear how hurt you were by this and I am so sorry it happened to you. It seemed like you were dropped out of a heavenly place of trust and confidence and dropped right on your butt. Very rude and brutal.
It leaves its scars. I just wish the people who do that would not have power over us even when they are long gone.

Love,
Sea storm

[sea storm]

ReallyMe,

I wanted to add something more. You mentioned confronting the N when they are unreal to you. I have found that confronting an N is an exhausting and fruitless pursuit. I think the N just spins and spins in their brain and lacks any insight into what they are doing. They will just put it all back on you.
The only thing I have been doing is !) set a boundary and then don't react to the tantrum  !) set a boundary and walk away 3) Don't expect one shred of empathy ( this is crucial and a place I get hung up on)

Sea storm

[Gaining Strength]

Pennyplant - I believe you have run into an institutional problem.  The experience you describe is unfortunately - not unusual.  We have talked about it here a couple of times.  Is there anything you can do to get out from under your supervisor? 

I truly believe that you are correct that in noticing it more and more you are moving to a stronger place and not because there is more of it though there is an enormous amount of N behavior especially in the work place.  I hate what you are going through.  I really hope you can find a way to get to another place. - GS

[reallyME]

Seastorm: It seemed like you were dropped out of a heavenly place of trust and confidence and dropped right on your butt. Very rude and brutal.

more like dropped into the endless pit, filled with fire and loneliness.  Losing one's identity is a very terrifying experience.

Regarding the confronting of the N...I guess I was thinking of confrontation online, not in person.  I realize there is no way to convince an N that what they are doing is cruel and wrong.  What I meant was, X would type in some cruel dig about my weight or something about my personality, and, before I went on meds, I never noticed it, so she and another person were able to sit there and laugh at me, without me having a clue that they were laughin AT not with me.

After I started finding myself again, with the help of counseling and medicine, when X would say something cruel to me or ignore me in text online, I'd say "hey, X that was a DIG at me and I don't appreciate it." or "I noticed you didn't answer my question."

The interesting thing is, X had some possibility of being Borderline and Antisocial, although some people I told my story to, said that X seemed psychopathic or psychotic.  I don't know, but the whole situation was really disconcerting and painful for me at the time.

~Rm

[camper]

Penny,

The individual in my past used this "spin" method too.  One thing I will tell you, is that, when you start noticing the "spin" going on, you need to CONFRONT that person.
Not that the person will admit to it, cause they can't see their own manipulation habits...to them, this is the way they have ALWAYS handled interpersonal relationships, so their attitude is "I don't see what you're getting so upset about."

I can remember some times when I confronted.  I would say, "HEY! That wasn't very nice.  That was a DIG at me and I don't appreciate it."  The response would be 3-fold and all typed into the same sentence.  It would go like this.

me: "Hey, that was a dig and I didn't appreciate it!"

X:  "No, I didn't mean it that way at all, I'm sorry you thought that's how I meant it...well, since I can't convince you that I wouldn't say something like that, I guess that's that!  You have decided I said what I did to hurt you and I can't change your mind, so forget it!"

In fact, "forget it" "never mind"  "huh?"  "I didn't MEAN it that way" are all very favorite terms of dysfunctional people.

~Laura

Would all you very wise people help me out here?  The above can work two ways.  It can be manipulation or what about in my case where my H is overly sensitive to everything.  If he repeats back what I said...It isn't at all what I said, but that is what he heard, it got twisted, happens all the time.  So then I am saying, "I didn't mean it that way".  After things get twisted, the sayings above, are my sayings.  I talked about this with my therapist.  It isn't worth continuing a conversation with H because it is going nowhere fast.  And it annoys the heck out of H when I end a conversation just agreeing with him because it is all senseless.

[reallyME]

Let me clarify what I said about "That's not what I mean"

I meant that X would say that in order to let herself seem like she didn't just DIG at me, as though she would NEVER do such a thing, when I knew full-well what she was meaning.

Does that make sense.

~Laura

[pennyplant]

I really hope you can find a way to get to another place. - GS

I'm working on just that.  I have requested a transfer and possibly by the end of the year I can work someplace else where it will not be so hard and the others will appreciate me or at least not constantly undermine me.  I always think I'm not asking for so much from my job or my life.  But as basic as my needs are, or I consider them to be, the rest of the world is pretty stingy with someone like me.  It will be a big thing for me to actually transfer and move on as planned.  I rarely have done things like that in the past.  Usually I wait until I can't take it anymore and just run off and quit.  It is usually traumatic.  This will seem very strange to decide what I want and then actually do something about it to take better care of myself.  Sadly, I doubt that I will be missed very much when I leave there.  Barely a ripple in the pond of dysfunction.  And once again, I will be the little pioneer making my way in a new world.  But I'd say it's got to be done if I have any hope at all of reaching my true potential.

I was thinking lately about Laura' s wanting to talk about her original story now.  I think I'm beginning to understand what you say, Laura, that just because you want to talk about it doesn't mean you are still suffering about it and obsessed with it.  I've noticed lately that even though I have given up on my own N who "wooed" me and then dropped me flat, I still want to just say a couple things about it sometimes.  Like an echo or something.  Those feelings I once had for him, even though I know now they were based on what I wished he were like, still live quietly in me.  They still rise up a little bit.  They were and are real and sometimes need a place to exist in me.  Now it just makes me sad sometimes.  And it is better not seeing him or having contact.  But I still remember those feelings I had and it still crosses my mind sometimes.  Plus, life is so quiet nowadays and that feels kind of sad too.  I'm not used to having to really see my life as it is.  It feels a little funny.  Most of my life I have had some kind of an attraction going with someone and had that on my mind a lot.  A pleasant distraction sometimes or a familiarly painful one.  But a feeling I was used to and comfortable with.  Now for the first time in my life I don't do that anymore and don't really want to.  But I miss it on some level.  So, I sometimes find myself wanting to say the old questions:  why was I treated badly, did he ever really feel anything for me, what's he doing now, stuff like that.  I don't talk about it much at all.  But sometimes I want to.

Pennyplant

[Gaining Strength]

Pennyplant -
This will seem very strange to decide what I want and then actually do something about it to take better care of myself.  Sadly, I doubt that I will be missed very much when I leave there.  Barely a ripple in the pond of dysfunction.  And once again, I will be the little pioneer making my way in a new world.

I see this as really taking control over your life rather than setting it on the tracks to run its course.  I really believe that this will give you great pleasure and a wonderful sense of pride.  Though I do understand your desire to have made a ripple I am certain that that ripple will be more valuable in a beautiful pond rather than in the cesspool you have fallen into.  Pick a beautiful lily pond and your sense of loss over the cesspool will just disappear.

Those feelings I once had for him, even though I know now they were based on what I wished he were like, still live quietly in me. Pennyplant, do you know what it is that you wish he were like?  What is it that you thouoght he could address or give you that you need?  I encourage you to explore this fully and get it out on paper because I believe that you should see if there is anyway you can get some fulfillment over for those things you need.  They haven't gone away just because the person who might fulfill them evaporated.  I know what I am saying seems crazy - without a man, a person to provide them for you but call my crazy, I think there may be some sort of way to at least get closer to them than you are now.  I'm not asking you to post them here but to explore them in your heart and get them out on paper.  Who knows you may find a part of you that really needs nurturing and developing and you may find a way to do that that really gives you joy. - GS

[Margo]

Seastorm: It seemed like you were dropped out of a heavenly place of trust and confidence and dropped right on your butt. Very rude and brutal.

more like dropped into the endless pit, filled with fire and loneliness.  Losing one's identity is a very terrifying experience.

Regarding the confronting of the N...I guess I was thinking of confrontation online, not in person.  I realize there is no way to convince an N that what they are doing is cruel and wrong.  What I meant was, X would type in some cruel dig about my weight or something about my personality, and, before I went on meds, I never noticed it, so she and another person were able to sit there and laugh at me, without me having a clue that they were laughin AT not with me.

After I started finding myself again, with the help of counseling and medicine, when X would say something cruel to me or ignore me in text online, I'd say "hey, X that was a DIG at me and I don't appreciate it." or "I noticed you didn't answer my question."

The interesting thing is, X had some possibility of being Borderline and Antisocial, although some people I told my story to, said that X seemed psychopathic or psychotic.  I don't know, but the whole situation was really disconcerting and painful for me at the time.

~Rm

OK... I know I'm a little compromised on the up swing lately but..... is the N we're talking about.... someone from THE INTERNET?  Or this board?  And..... did they follow you here and post..... if they're just from the internet?  Not sure who's who yet.  Margo

[reallyME]

Margo,

The info I posted was based on my private story I posted to people who requested it.  If you'd like to hear more, please send me an email address and I will send the story to you.

~RM