May I share my original story with those interested, but in private?

[reallyME]

I would like to share my story with anyone who would be interested, but due to being blasted the last time I tried and people involved, found the board, I'd prefer to just share it privately with any who want to hear it.
If you do, please let me know.
~RM

[Margo]

I would like to share my story with anyone who would be interested, but due to being blasted the last time I tried and people involved, found the board, I'd prefer to just share it privately with any who want to hear it.
If you do, please let me know.
~RM

I wrote and asked to hear your original story.  I'm not sure what the "story" is going to be about but.... I'm fairly certain that it would do more good if everyone could read it.  If the people "involved" were people from your life..... then I understand taking it off the board.  We're agreed there.

On the other hand..... I find debate a good forum for resolving conflicts and gaining fresh perspectives.... even if there are those that are way off the mark.  I suppose it could be considered a bit off color to debate and criticize on support boards, such as this?  I'll look forward to reading what you have to share, in any case.  Margo

[Gaining Strength]

i'm interested in hearing your story Laura.  I understand why you don't want to put it out on the board.  This place is not safe from people in your real life.  They have attacked you before for things you posted here.  I think you are wise to be careful. - GS

[sea storm]

ReallyMe,

I would like to hear your story. I am glad you put it out that you feel unsafe because of earlier experiences on the board. You will be supported and I for one will be on the alert for anyone who tries to put you down or silence you.

It can feel like a very big step to tell your story and it is important not to let anyone silence you. That is the meaning of this board. You have support here.

I would like to encourage you to share your story. I say this because I told my story here a few times and it helped me to move on into a healthier place because people listened and cared and responded.

All the best to you,

Sea storm

[Gaining Strength]

reallyMe - I watched a show on PBS last night about Jim Jones and The Peoples Temple.  It was a fascinating exposee about a man who built an extraordinary church out of people who were motivated by real good, who wanted to live outside the bounds of prejudice and to live as extended family in loving caring community.  The charismatic leader, Jim Jones, as we all know, became a seeker of power and thrived on his control over the people of his church to the extent that he controlled their willingness to commit mass suicide. 

I recount this as a way to say to you, that there is a long history of people who have given themselves over to a religious leader on good faith, for all the right reasons only to fall prey to these leaders.  I think you would have found last night's program interesting because you would have seen bright, successful, well meaning people who got caught up in Jim Jones' church describe some of the same things you describe about how you got drawn in and about how difficult it is to get out.

Most everyone here has suffered terribly in their lives.  When we are hurt by our very families and have nowhere to turn we are most vulnerable to seemingly strong people who espouse the very idealistic principles that we are seeking.  My hope for you is that you can write her off as a despicable person who swindled you when you were honestly looking for descent people to align yourself with.  My real hope for you is that you turn your attention from her to the person you were when you met up with her and nurture that part of you the way you really needed nurturing.  I think that part of you is still hurting from her betrayal but I also believe that you can help heal that part of yourself. 

I am looking forward to reading the rest of your story. - GS

[reallyME]

GS,

It's kind of interesting/funny to me how, when a person posts their story even years after the fact, automatically people think that the person is still struggling with issues about it.  I enjoy telling the "secret" over and over again, because the more times we get it out, the less power it has over our lives.  Secrets are what keep families and people bound. 

 I'm actually doing quite well and I have a new mentor who is tremendous.  The X lady has moved on with her grandiose self to some other plane of existence I imagine, but I'm still here, feet very firmly rooted on the earth and spirit rooted in God's hands.  I'm doing good and glad to be alive and free and MYSELF again!

Thank you for reading my story and I will send it to  you asap after your response privately
~Laura

[Gaining Strength]

I agree that telling a story over and over can defuse some of the power it holds.  Perhaps I was talking more to myself.  I know that when I have worked through some difficult period in my life that I will continue to work through it until even the last small bit is worked out for me.  It seemed as though that is what you are doing as well.

I am sorry you had that dreadful experience of betrayal. - Gaining Strength

[Gaining Strength]

ReallyMe - I've read your story.  It will always astonish me how people who are narcissistic can behave.  It is so far out of the realm of reasonable.  How long ago did this experience happen to you? 

I am so glad that ;you have gotten out of it now.  Thank you for sharing your story with me.  It is truly a painful experience to read. I'm glad you have been able to get some healing from such a horrible experience. - Gaining Strength

[reallyME]

GS,

It happened to me a few years ago.  Yes, N's astonish me too...but what's more amazing is the amount of people they are able to get on their side, to buy their Crud, and really believe that they are trustworthy.  As much as I do still have honest feelings for the people in the story, it's a daily letting go that helps me stand strong against ending up in a similar situation with a new name/new face.  I never want history to repeat itself again.

~L

[pennyplant]

When we are hurt by our very families and have nowhere to turn we are most vulnerable to seemingly strong people who espouse the very idealistic principles that we are seeking.

GS, I struggle with this daily, sometimes hourly!  Somehow people learn how to read others and use what they learn about others to control them.  I mean that they seem to believe in what I believe in, but it is an act for the most part.  They can figure out almost instantly what seem to be my "issues" or beliefs or values and work that in to the conversation very smoothly as if we have that in common.  But they really have an agenda.  Lately, it seems that everywhere I turn I am running into people with this talent for extracting pieces of you and then using those pieces to fool you into doing their bidding. 

Lately, I feel like a fool quite often.  I'm hoping that what is happening here is that I am merely learning an important skill, "spin detection" I'm calling it for now, that will serve me well once I come up with safe responses to my being "spun".  I'm hoping that I'm not actually getting stupider about these things and actually getting "spun" more often.  Maybe I'm just noticing things now that have always happened but just escaped my understanding previously.  If that is the case, then no wonder I have spent most of my life feeling angry and betrayed.  At least now that I know what to look for, I might be able to head it off once in awhile.

What amazes me is that this seems to be a normal method of operating for most people that I encounter.  They don't have to think twice about taking advantage of my openness for their own benefit.

Pennyplant

[reallyME]

Penny,

The individual in my past used this "spin" method too.  One thing I will tell you, is that, when you start noticing the "spin" going on, you need to CONFRONT that person.
Not that the person will admit to it, cause they can't see their own manipulation habits...to them, this is the way they have ALWAYS handled interpersonal relationships, so their attitude is "I don't see what you're getting so upset about."

I can remember some times when I confronted.  I would say, "HEY! That wasn't very nice.  That was a DIG at me and I don't appreciate it."  The response would be 3-fold and all typed into the same sentence.  It would go like this.

me: "Hey, that was a dig and I didn't appreciate it!"

X:  "No, I didn't mean it that way at all, I'm sorry you thought that's how I meant it...well, since I can't convince you that I wouldn't say something like that, I guess that's that!  You have decided I said what I did to hurt you and I can't change your mind, so forget it!"

In fact, "forget it" "never mind"  "huh?"  "I didn't MEAN it that way" are all very favorite terms of dysfunctional people.

~Laura

[Overcomer]

Wow, Laura, are you talking about the Spin Doctor, my nmom???  I'd like to hear your story.  Did you save it so you could just cut and paste it???

Kelly

[pennyplant]

My spinners like to play dumb:

Me:  Yes, I know I have to work the weekend of the career conference so she can go (probably the fourth or fifth time in two weeks I have had to assure the supervisors that I know I have to work that weekend)
Spinner:  Oh, is that why she wants that weekend off?

And I'm thinking, yeah, right, you didn't know that was the weekend of the career conference that has been getting pushed for months now.  Co-workers know that's why she's not working but the supervisor doesn't know?  Come on!

Me:  I shouldn't have to work three weekends in a row and she only work every other.  I feel like I have to cover my back all the time around here.
Spinner:  No, you don't have to cover your back all the time! (Then schedules me for four weekends out of five this month!)

Me:  It seems like everyone just feels sorry for her around here (as to why she gets so much special consideration)
Spinner:  No, I don't feel sorry for her. (Seemingly in shock that I would believe this of such a fine supervisor)

And I'm thinking--well, then, what is it that I'm missing here?  I've been told by objective people that I have it harder and have to do more because I "can take it and she can't."  There has to be an underlying reason for this obvious pattern of protection/favoritism.  Some will be honest about it but the current administration prefers "spinning".

I have to deal with this everyday at work lately.  It makes me angry and wears me out to have to be so alert and proactive all the time.  Then if my attention flags, or I'm otherwise distracted, the favoritism pops to the surface again.  It's just tiresome.  Especially since I don't spend all my time looking for ways to trip up other people and make myself a little empire the way they do.  So, tiresome.

Pennyplant

[gratitude28]

Blech Penny. I would be majorly annoyed. That is one of my super-pet-peeves... people who have to pick up slack for SLACKERS - and THEY GET AWAY WITH IT. Remind me when I get to Heaven to ask God how that can be fair It REALLY chaffes my behind.

(((((((((Penny))))))))))))

At least it feels better on the INSIDE to be the one who can handle it all. (In spite of it all being unfair, wallow in the PRIDE that you CAN and she CAN'T.

Love, Beth

ps - Not sure what's up with me and the capitals/shouting, but I feel a need to this week.

[pennyplant]

Not only do they get away with it--they are REWARDED for it.  After all, the pain-in-the-butt-slacker-junior-to-me is being supported in her efforts to develop her career while I am looked down upon and disregarded even after making a very good impression while on my management assignment this past winter.  The other people who pick up the slack for the slackers are also disregarded daily.  So, in that way, it is not personal.  But it is institutional.  And that kind of scares me.

I do take some pride in being an able person.  But this same ability has set me apart from people all my life.  So, I have mixed emotions about it.  The pride in being "able" seems to be a part of my personality.  I don't want to be the other way.  And I hate to hide the way I am as well.  But I have to be more subtle or tone it down.  It just draws a negative kind of attention that I REALLY don't want.

Sometimes SHOUTING is necessary, Miss Beth!

Pennyplant