Hi Wildflower,
Afeter I confronted my mother on the telephone I asked her how she felt. She paused as she realised the usual "devastated" would not be enough.
"suicidal she said.
I said "have you ever thought that I have been suicidal"
"I'm not repsonsible for that" she said.
I also flirted with suicidal thoughts for years So I can empathise with you on that one.
Thinking back, I always feel when my mother tried to get you to do something it was always giving an order. I fyou rebelled and tried to stand up for yourself she would try to pyshologically crush you.
Sh threw me out when I was sixteen as I wouldn't pay rent. It wasn't so much the rent but the way she went abot it that was so damaging. I ran upstairs crying and she sent my dad (enabling all the way) to get me to pay.
"tell him he can pay xxx" it was the way she sent someone else to make an offer and wouldn;t face me in a reasonable way. I was obviously upset and said no, my dad passed on the message and that was his job done. no offers I'll support him or anything (they were separated at the time.
The next thing I know I was called downstairs my bag was packed and I was told I could stay with a neighbour. This neighbour also played the role of father trying to get me to pay the rent, trying to cajole me. Obviously, the position I was in and the age I was how could I possible yexplina that I was fighting to survive my mother was crushing me. How could I possible back down from this? If I went back how miserable my life would have been.
I was fortunate in that my grandparents, were my dad was living, allowed me to stay - in a camper bed behind the settee. I offered to pay rent and my grand mother wouldn't take it.
SO that's how I was crushed, my mother won. Hands down.
Years later I saw her get on the bus with my younger sister. My sister got on first, saw me and sat somewhere else. mother sat next to her and pretended not to see me. It was obvious. I said "time for a reconciliation then" "oh hiya" was the response in that completely false,exaggerated voice.
no more contact for several years.
I then found out she had cancer so I got back in touch. immediately fell into the same situation. she would randomly bring up things she must have felt guilty about.
"the reason you got the same allowance as your younger sisters is you got from elsewhere"
"we don't talk about you, you know" (she talks about everyone when they're no there - and in a derogatory way.)
I realised I detested almost everything she said and the fact that I stuffed it down and didn't respond (partly out of fear of her reaction) meant that I was slowly dying. Once she was over at my house and she talked about how she was talking about "us" to her sister and her sister said "you're pushing them away" I felt the strongest ruge to speak and scream YES but didn't say a word. the life completely drained out of me. My mother saw this, pretended to yawn,said I'll come back when you're feeling better. my fault - zinged again.
That's why standing up to her was the hardest and the best thing I ever did. It took me months. It was a complete failure in a sense - she manipulated me into anger and gave her the opportunity to paint me in a bad light but she would have done that anyway.
The first time I did it, I phoned her after a sleepless night. "oh you got up just to say that?" (subtle belittlement) "oh I've been hurt too" she then said. It was looking back after that call I realised I had apologised for even bringing the subject up. I had nothing to apologise for. So I did it again and this time I made sure I would not back down and leave the ball in her court. So no more contact.
Now don't get me started on dad ! maybe I'll save that one for later
Sorry, rambled away again.
