Eating Disorder

[gratitude28]

Have any of you had eating disorders?

I was bulimic for many years. I wanted (can you imagine) to be anorexic, but never could quite cut myself off completely.

Curious to find out...

Love, Beth

[teartracks]

Hi Beth,

No.  The closest I ever came to having an eating disorder was in my forties.  I did a two week fast, clear liquids only.  During that fast, I knew deep down inside that I was vulnerable to anorexia and that I could easily go in that direction.   I could have dismissed food from my life.   Wierd.  Toward the end of the fast, one of my best friends who knew I was fasting, said teartracks, I think you've fasted long enough.  We didn't talk about it, but she may have sensed I was vulnerable. 

tt

[gratitude28]

Did you do the fast during a difficult time for you, tt? Was it related to controlling your body in some way? I am glad you had someone to be honest with you and break you free from that.
Love, Beth

[teartracks]

Hi Beth,

I don't remember it being a difficult period of my life.  But back then I was living the lie, i.e., denial, carried along by my coping self.  So it's hard to say if wanting to control my body was a component.  If you've done an extended fast, you know that after the third day the appeal of food and the routine of having three squares a day is broken.  At that point food  becomes just another thing in your environment.  And yes, I could rely on this friend to be honest and kind with me.  She, by the way, is still my friend and one of the 'core quality' ones I mentioned on WRITE's thread.

Hope all is well with you today.

tt

[debkor]

Beth,

No I don't think I had an eating disorder.

When I was going through hell with my x I had lost alot of weight *lots* where I looked sick.  I had no appetite at all. Very little.  What I ate I burnt right off with stress. 

So I don't know if it was one. 

When I gained my weight back people would say oh you look happy now.  When I would lose it they would say Oh you having a crisis?

I noticed this with my friend also when she was going through a divorce but she ate all the time, yet she dropped pounds that   when I pulled her by her arm one day I thought I broke it off she was so frail.

Love
Deb

[axa]

Beth,

THink I may have had an eating disorder.  My association with food has always been comfort, filling the hole, then feeling disgusted with myself for over eating.  I have struggled with my weight for years but now know it had nothing to do with food.  I used to to numb the pain.  I would usually react to stress by overeating, gaining pounds.  When XN did his major abuse last year I just could not eat.  I dropped about 20lbs in about two months.  I felt numb by the shock of his behaviour so food sickened me, it took all I could to eat the minimum.  When I threw him out my eating became normal.  I am still about 10lbs overweight but it is not an issue.  I eat reasonably well but no overeating.  I make smaller portions of food and have a sense of when I am satisfied.

I think once I took control over my life my need to self medicate with food stopped.  In the past the main times I have had issues with food have been when I was in a relationship......NOW WHAT IS THAT TELLING ME

Axa

[Bliz1]

Hi Beth,
I havent posted in a while but your thread caught my eye.  I was bulimic for about 15 years.  I definitely tie it to my feelings of voicelessness. It was like the words, emotions, feelings I could not express, I acted out by binging and purging.  I tie it very closely to my family of origin issues.  I had therapy for many years which helped.  I could expound on more if you like.  I am been b and p free for over 20 years although I still think I have ed issues sometimes.

[poetprose]

Hi , No I don't have an eating disorder...  but I do tend to run to the cheesecake when I am pissed off or upset

so emotional eating is a part of me...

[Overcomer]

I believe I have an eating disorder.  I eat and eat and eat when I am upset and I am really upset right now so I weigh more than I ever have.  The only thing that makes me lose weight is if something devastating happens......like when I found out my husband was having an affair and I had a two month old daughter at home.

[gratitude28]

Thank you all for your thoughts and stories. Bliz, I would love to hear more. 15 years is a long time. Was your health damaged? Were you able to recover fully? Do you have to keep track of your habits now?

Kell, poet, axa, deb, tt - thank you.

The only time in my life I think I ate "right" was when I was in Weight Watchers.

My sister, whi is a doctor, said she has never known how to eat. Neither one of us has ever eaten because we are hungry. She has abused laxatives, been bulimic, goes crazy eating only tofu, etc. In a way, she is more neurotic about it... and stays slimmer, but goes up and down and spends so much energy on food...

I think I have a plan for what I want to do now. It is so funny, I am a walking encyclopedia of healthful eating styles and foods. I could be a dietician. But I don't do anything the way I should. So... I finish work in a week and a half (YEAH!!!!!). I have been exercising for about three and a half months (Gosh, I missed working out - why did I not do it for all this time again?) I plan to keep a diary and also force myself to eat every few hours - set a schedule. They say that if you regulate your eating it will train your body to eat when it needs the food. I will also measure the portions and eat a variety of foods at those times. I need to be done with my job so I can focus and implement it as a habit.

Any other tips would be much appreciated. This will be a lifestyle change. I am too old to play games anymore.

Love you all,
Beth

[bliz]

Well I could write a book about it.  I was a bookish, heavy child of athletic, very good looking parents.  I always felt I was dropped down by aliens.  Looking good, not feeling good, was always emphasized in my youth. 

I went on the "grapefruit diet" at 15 and lost enough weight to look good in clothes.  Looking back I probably was leaning then to anorexia.  I discovered binging and purging when I was 18 and had that dirty little secret for years.  After a lot of therapy I just stopped in my thirties.

 I am not sure I ever had a really healthy relationship with food, although I have tried in the last many years to eat healthfully. I am going through menopause now and the hormones fluctuations have really messed up my stamina, sleep cycle and eating habits.  I found myself eating a lot at night in an attempt to lull myself to sleep.  I found an eating disorders board on the internet that I would be glad to share with you.  In talking there, the ladies have helped me to set up some healthy guidelines that have helped me control the night eating. 

I was raised in a family where the veneer of looking perfect and acting perfect was the ultimate goal. The unfortunate byproduct was a lot of stuffed feelings and the inability to express and feel all my feelings.  ALso what I would call the "voicelessness".  Over time and through therapy I have learned to feel and express myself, especially the more intense emotions like anger. 

A good therapist and a good nutriionist are often recommended for eating disorders.  I am not sure we always know what is healthy. Now I take great satisfaction in buying and eating bright healthy fruits and vegetables and other healthy food.  I can tell the difference. I am not "all cured" but I sure am happier than I was years ago.  Hope this helps and please feel free to ask my any questions that you have. 

My name is also Beth

[gratitude28]

(((((((((((((((((((((Beth))))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you. Saying your name like that also feels like giving myself a hug.

I have a hard time admitting to this... I always feel I can control everything in my life.

I was berated for anything I ate from an early age. My mother wanted me to look "perfect" - whatever her idea of that was. She always talks about my body and has since I was a baby. I didn't realize how abnormal this was until I met my husband's family. They will say, hey chunkster, or some funny, loving thing, but it's a one-time poke at you and they still see you as a person. My mother constantly looked at whether you were thin or fat, always compared herself to me. I was her measuring stick, I think. She hated it when I was thinner than her - loved it when she was sleeker. What a pitiful, sick game.

Thank you, Beth. ANd I would love the website address. I am so happy that I am finally starting to budge in my life and make the changes that have been niggling at my brain.

Love, Beth

[isittoolate]

It's 7:06 pm PST and I still haven't eaten today.

That's me. Never hungry either! (as in no emotions either)...................OMG If i get emotional i might gain weight!

I think it is my present state of mind, or else the fact that I have control of myself over when and what I eat!!

The only disorder I have is whether I order an small, medium, or large pizza, I still eat it all. (Just learned that with the large  last weekend.)

Love
Izzy

[gratitude28]

That's funny, Iz... I am the same way in that I finish everything... a drink, a plate of food, etc. At various times in my life (mostly when I am feeling happy) I have been able to stop when I feel full.
I know my eating is linked to emotions and especially to boredom.
Whenever I hear someone say they "forgot to eat" I want to slap them. LOL
So I owe you a smack Izzy!!!
Also, if I eat less one day because I am busy or stressed, I go overboard the next day, because I feel I was so "good" the day before. I played the same game with drinking. But I can't quit eating forever. Hmmm... more food for thought (pun intended).
Love, Beth

[isittoolate]

Hi Beth,

I still remember my parents' order to finish everything on our plates, and it been only the last few years, in a restaurant, that I say to myself, "Okay I am full and I don't have to finish this."

AWWW Are you gonna slap me silly, Beth? Pleeeeeeeeeeese not with a dead fish!

I went a few days with just a chicken, onion, lettuce, mayo sandwich at a time that it would be a late lunch or an early dinner, and it worked.....just a bran muffin a few hours later. Quite sufficient.

Yes I think emotions are involved!!