tt,
I feel exactly the same way. I fully believe they were abused and in that capacity, I want to excuse them. But did that give them the right to abuse us and others? Especially when they KNOW it is wrong (and I believe more and more that they do know... they just enjoy it too much to stop).
My biggest thing- How can someone enjoy hurting a child??????? Ns do. To me that is just beyond anything I can fathom.
Trying to relate this to my experience here --- my N mother felt shunted aside as the middle of 5 kids. Her father was verbally abusive. How she 'graduated' from that to sexual abuse of me, plus other stuff, I can't explain. But - as far as hurting children - as sickening as it is, I know my Nmother never saw me as a child - to her I was her equal and thus threatening. Her needs and fears were so strong they blinded her to who I was; she simply HAD to act out her compulsions/needs/fears. To this day she denies everything; in fact she didn't remember her actions or words an hour afterwards. My exN is/was the same way. She simply had no concept of compassion but could admit it. But when her needs got loud enough, even that didn't matter b/c she was so desperate to get her supply. She even said a few times she felt like she was disappearing if she didn't get love.
I believe that's the hardest part for us to understand about Ns - they simply don't see or hear us. Compare it to being in a footbal stadium when the home team is winning - the roar is their needs, drowning out all awareness of any other factors.
Since we aren't subject to that particular roar, it's hard to grasp the concept.
But then, irrational behavior isn't understandable - you can not make it into something rational no matter. Any one have any thoughts?
towrite
