I'm in the process (I left 9 months ago) of divorcing an extremely successful woman who has nearly caused me to lose my mind, my entire self, and reasons for living.... While at the same time she convinced me that I was a loser, the laziest person she's ever known (while maintaining my 20% ranking in my law school, and starting her a multi-million dollar business which she now owns free and clear and is literally set for life), and a worthless reject that will never amount to anything...
I thought I was going crazy over the past two years... It did not help that over the past 5 years I struggled greatly with alcoholism, and for the first time in my 38 years went to rehab twice in our last year together... this substance abuse which naturally hazes one's perceptions and memory continually left enough doubt in my mind about conversations or events of yesterday that when she accused me of lying, or never listening to her I usually knew what trump card she was holding just out of earshot...and usually would submit to me being a worthless drunk that never listens, and lies continuously either from habit, delirium, or merely from a wasted and burned out mind...
I think it should be noted that she is a doctor, and yet continually told me that alcoholism was not a disease, rather a weakness... and of course I was weak... She controlled everything, home, kids, money, choices of about everything... her attitude was this is all mine, you don't like it get out...She never asked me about my condition, never would talk, and was absolutely disinterested in anything at all with my life, unless I was pissing her off which was almost daily... Everyone in the outside world was a horrible doctor, a moron, an idiot, and nuisance. I have journaled over the past 9 months extensively, and in my sobriety, have noted that we never had a discussion...ever... she never committed to anything, and always wanted me to give the "final yes its the RIGHT thing to do" on anything significant we ever did... She called me names continuously, overreacted with anger to the slightest things, is always angry just under the surface, is extremely jealous and constantly accusing me of craziness... ruined every holiday we ever had... It was so weird, but noticeable that I journaled it.... She never said she was sorry one time in 8 years, and it was always somebody else's fault, or somebody causing her to treat them a particular way...
It was extremely obvious that he biggest fear in life was always being right, never being criticized, and would immediately lash out at any potential being criticized... Attempting to bring up any subject was a constant game of mine warfare. I never knew what word, suggestion, look, tone of voice, anything would set her off... She runs her office like Hitler... every employee that stays longer than a day is run by fear...and jumped on in public for the slightest error. I told her several times that she cannot talk to her employees the way she does, especially in front of everyone and screaming at them, and still expect them to remain on the job... She immediately shot back "If they didn't make me talk to them like that there would be no problem." She has slowly withdrawn from sex completely except in vary rare instances, when she lets me, her back is to me, she doesn't touch me, talk, or utter anything during or after... she has continually come up with new sexual acts, year after year, that all of a sudden I 'm the worst performer she's ever met in her life... whether it be kissing, touching, oral, you name it now... She's accused me several times of being the absolute cause for her unhappiness, for her disgust with life in general, and for the chaos and wreckage that has hovered over our entire relationship...
In the last days of my existence with her... She caught me drinking again...Honestly, she's my number one trigger, my blood pressure elevates 50 points the moment she drives in the doorway... I never know what's coming through the door... my anxiety and blood pressure never decrease until she's gone to bed... and then I go to my separate room...
Well she saw the drink and caused a huge scene, and then I told her I no longer wanted to be married to her and would be out of the house by the end of the weekend... I have previously moved out for short periods twice, and almost left another time. At the end of this scene she asked me 3 times in about 20 minutes to "PLEASE...PLEASE....COMMIT SUICIDE.. it will be better for the kids, I will tell them you died in a car accident and everybody will be better off..."
She has so many signs and symptoms classic personality disorder that I could list them for days...
Two weeks ago I was looking for articles on divorce and detaching... I ran across BPD, NPD, etc... I was floored... I never knew anything like this support group existed, nor even that these disorders existed, and over the past two weeks I haven't quit reading... My entire relationship with her almost is found word for word, day after day among the articles... I wasn't crazy after all... or am I?
ONE SUBJECT: that I cannot find much written on, but it is talked about is the incredible love remaining for the N, even with what I just typed above... I'm having a hard time not wanting her back... Martyr at its best... Up until a few weeks ago we had been very civil, had done some things together with our 2 children, and I kept asking for a time to sit and discuss the gravity of breaking the family up.. she never called, never would commit, and 3 months ago started trying to talk me in to seeking counseling for all of my mental problems that she has now decided I have...
Never in 8 years was anything like that ever mentioned... but now we are getting divorced, because I "will not seek help for my mental disorders," she cannot possibly subject the children to me living in the home, and she hasn't seen any improvement in me since leaving the home... We never talk, she never calls, and actually never has since I moved out...It's always me that is trying... BUT up until mediation a couple of weeks ago...we were civil... I have to see her 2 times per week, and even on my custodial weekends my son has had 1-2 activities that places her into my time with the kids, and of course my presence, where she ignores me with disdain...
We settled everything during mediation, and once we left the office, we had signed and sealed our divorce... It will be absolutely final in a couple of weeks... The day after mediation, she immediately changed the civility and will not talk to me, unless it is clouded with an angry tone (talks to me like I'm a pathetic little kid like she is disgusted to even have to acknowledge, just like she used to do when I was in the home.. I always felt like I was in trouble and was trying to make Mommy happy) and the subject matter is strictly dealing with the kids...
She still criticizes me as much and often as she can, called me a lunatic yesterday twice during a 10 minute phone call...is telling everybody in her family and all of the people she knows around our home that I am mental and she had to do it for the kids... Yesterday she informed me that she wishes she never had to talk to me again, will never be my friend, and cannot even fathom the possibility of us ever being on friendship terms...I asked her why she was acting so crazy, and treating me like a criminal, and what was all the sudden anger and hatred coming at me about? She responded "You are a criminal you lunatic" (she has consistently, even through a counseling session blamed me for every bit of our situation and the break up of our family)
I'm still in love, and understand the programming and psyche behind it... I'm dealing with it, and working on it... But I have this absolute hole in my soul caused by this immediate and complete rejection...and the way she talks to me and looks at me I can't help think that she really feels the way she is acting and she believes that she is completely justified in acting like she is the one escaping a psychopath...
I've even been thinking while reading some of the articles that maybe I"m so fucked up I cannot even see reality any more and maybe I am the one that is the lunatic, and anybody normal would be able to see that immediately..???? I have always been very introspective, always open to discussing potential problems with myself, or anything... I'm a talker, a feeler, a thinker... Could I really be so out of reality that I cannot see that I'm crazy???
Is her ability to emotionally and mentally shut me out, to mentally erase my entire existence, the existence of our "relationship" and her to end this all with literally believing this apparent story she has been fine tuning over the past 6 months, slowly but surely... And will she really always believe that every time she sees me for the next 18 years?? It's so weird I've always thought we'd talk, or have a discussion or something.. that I'd get to say whatever I needed..etc... She's done... she said she'll never talk... "About what?" I said I'm not sure, it's just that we've never talked one time about us in this entire 9 months separation... maybe anything...maybe a few things that may help us with closure...?" She replied "I've had closure.." I said "I think I believe you actually" and the conversation was over...
Don't be nice on me... I'm not here for syrup and pancakes.. I need to know if anyone has experienced this ... Most of the literature I have read speaks of the NPD going after the victim during divorce separation... the Stalker if you will... might I be delusional? Or is this her last ultimate punishment, I just never could measure up to her greatness, and now will have to watch her from the sidelines?
