Breaking Away

[tayana]

I used to post on this board regularly a few years ago, but I lost the website address and only found it again a few days ago.  I'm about to make my third attempt to break away from my Nmother and my father, who only enables her.  He tells me I just need to take everything she says with a grain of salt and let it go.  It's hard to do that when I've watched her crush my child's spirit, and I have this sudden need to run away from life.  My son and I had a great day Saturday, and I spent every minute savoring it, because it was really good.

My previous two attempts to break away from them have all been sabotaged.  My mother stole money from me and landed me in debt, and then I had an accident and needed help because I was unable to walk for several months.  I'm beyond that now though.  I got out of debt.  My health is back.  I have the best job I've ever had, and I want to be away from these people so bad.  I've decided, to avoid further sabotage, that I'm going to find a place, sign the lease, and then no one can do anything to me.

I have had to lie and hide who I really am all my life, and I can't do that anymore.  It's tearing me up inside.  I just wanted to post here, because there used to be some great advice and good support here.  I don't have much of a support system, and I don't trust any of my family.  It's nice to just have someone to talk to sometimes.

[tayana]

Thanks.  I appreciate the support.  I really do.  It's nice just to have someone say, I understand.    I hate feeling like I can't trust my family, but I can't.  They won't support my decision, and they'll do everything they can to undermine it.  My N mother thinks my son is her child.  She doesn't allow me to be a parent right now.  Anytime I try, then all I'm doing is making certain my son is going to be an awful child.  She tells me I'm too much of a friend.  She tells me I need to be harder on the kid.  The poor kid doesn't get any voice at all except with me, and she has the nerve to complain about how emotionally immature he is and compare him to me and my brother.  We didn't have childhoods.  She made us grow up.  When I was my son's age, I was taking care of the house, not acting like a kid.

I can't do it anymore, and I don't want him around her all the time.  He has Asperger's Syndrome, and that alone is a challenge.  I don't want him to end up like her too.

[Gaining Strength]

Suddenly there is talk all over the board about breaking away from N parents - physically, emotionally.  People who haven't posted here in a while are posting about breaking away,  New people are posting about breaking away.  Regular members are posting about breaking away. 

There seems to be a surge, a determination to break away.  I want to ride this wave with you two and with the others.  Perhaps we can support and encourage each other, join energy to gain strength together.  It seems to be an opportune time.  I am praying for strength and courage and ability to make a clean break - to be like CB123 and push the envelope.  That is my prayer.

[DivineSunshine]

Tayana,

I had to break from my parents and entire family within the past couple of years and as much as it hurts to have to be faced with this decision, it is the best thing I ever did!  I am rooting for you!  You will be fine---you will know what to do and when to do it.  Just plan and be firm.  My siblings did undermine me and I have to break contact with them not long after going No Contact with N mother and enabler father.  It's just been so nice to put it all behind me and get on with my life.  I hope the same for you. 

It IS nice to know there is somewhere like this board where you can go and people understand and relate.  I have always found that here.  Now I just gotta ditch the N husband I married.  One of those---married your mother situations-----but one thing at a time, you know.

I look forward to hearing your progress as you are ready.  (I have recently started walking from an injury a few months ago and I can relate to that feeling of helplessness and being trapped you mentioned.) 

Welcome back!

Sunny

[tayana]

Thanks so much.  I worry more about what this is going to do to my son than to me.  I know it'll be wonderful for me, but I"m afraid it'll hurt him.  We live on my parents property, so he's been around them all his life, and lived in the same house all his life.  He doesn't want to leave it.  He doesn't understand that families aren't supposed to be like mine either.  I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do with him before/after school, or what he's going to do for the summer.  My goal is to be away by July 1.  It feels so good to be in this position and to be able to even think about this now.

[NewMe]

I'm breaking away too! I am now in my 40s, and I've spent my entire life trying to please my Nmom, and suffering under the most unbelievable interference in EVERY aspect of my life. She would do things like offer to babysit my two young children so my husband and I could have a date night, and then she would explode and have my Dad call us back in the middle of the date, because she was afraid we were having sex and she didn't want us to.

I've wasted so much time and money trying to make her happy, and I nearly lost my marriage because of it. But I went NC with her around Xmas time, when she went absolutely crazy  . . . and life has been so much better. It does break my heart because she uses my poor Dad to manipulate by proxy. It's like his personality has been erased. He is truly under mind control. So he and I had coffee the other day, and he cried (major guilt trip for me) and said I didn't have a grip on reality . . . my Mom has turned it around so I seem like the crazy one. Big smear campaign all over town--she's told people all kinds of lies, and they believe stuff that doesn't even make sense!!!

So this is the joyful part--my husband and I are pulling up stakes and leaving town, and moving to the West Coast, all the way from Texas. We are starting a new life with our children. No more criticism, lies, betrayal or manipulation. (At least not on a daily basis, because we won't be living in the same town anymore)

I just want you all to know that I have been lurking on this board since January, and your wisdom and humor and your stories have helped to give me a new life. You're all angels to me.

[Stormchild]

Congratulations, NewMe! Thank you for letting us know you have been here, and you have been helped... and best of luck as you step into a New Life.

[Stormchild]

[t's like his personality has been erased. He is truly under mind control. So he and I had coffee the other day, and he cried (major guilt trip for me) and said I didn't have a grip on reality . . .

This same behavoir from my Dad is one of the biggest reasons that I lost my trust in myself He would see and KNOW all the craziness. However, all he wanted to do was placate. He was ,essentially, telling me that I was NOT seeing what I WAS  seeing.

He is really a CO- conspirator- not another victim. He allowed my N mother to  act the way that she did and just stood by like a "potted plant".

(((((((((Ami)))))))))

If it weren't for their enablers, Ns would do a lot less damage than they do. It really can be a dysfunctional partnership.

[Stormchild]

I'm about to make my third attempt to break away from my Nmother and my father, who only enables her.  He tells me I just need to take everything she says with a grain of salt and let it go.  It's hard to do that when I've watched her crush my child's spirit

Tayana, it never ceases to amaze me how enablers will do this. Think of it this way... as long as you are there, it makes things easier for him, because you and your child are additional targets. If he truly loved you as a father should love a daughter, he'd long ago have thrown himself in between you and your mother, to block her, to protect you.

I'm sorry.... but you're making the right choice. Don't tell them what you are planning to do. Don't tell them, no matter how badly you want to, no matter how wrong it feels to keep quiet. They will sabotage you, again. Let your actions tell them... after you're gone.

[NewMe]

Thank you, Ami and Stormchild!

About the enabling parent . . . it's funny, it seems like more of a betrayal, that Dad can't or won't try to keep Nmom under control. It's been hard for me to accept that he is probably as incapable as she is of changing his behavior.  I used to think "there's always a choice, he can change things any time he wants to," but now I realize that for him to have lived with her for over 40 years, he must have a personality disorder as profound as hers.

My brother, who is very sympathetic to me and my husband, says that he has thought of Dad for years as a fellow sibling. We're all just trying to take shelter from the tornado that is Nmom. But I guess my inner child is angry that my Dad can't be an adult and try to protect his children (and grandchildren). And he's angry at me for breaking free.

Now the focus is all on my two children, the only grandchildren in the family. Nmom has made it clear that she has no more interest in me, I've just been tossed out like the trash. They want to spend time with my children. I feel so guilty for denying them time together--we've all lived in the same town for 12 years.  But my children are too precious to me . . . I don't want them exposed to drama, anger, poison . . . you never know what my Mom will say or do.

[Stormchild]

NewMe, it does indeed seem like more of a betrayal. Perhaps that is because it is so obvious, with an enabler, that a choice is being made, and that the choice never seems to involve being fair to you, or even being minimally decent to you. The choice is always to favor the N.

That's a pretty fundamental betrayal, especially coming from your parents, whether it involves favoring an N parent, or an N favored sibling, or any N who happens to be in the vicinity. I have seen quite a bit of what I call 'drive-by' enabling, where people defend an absent abuser - quite often a person they have never even met - rather than supporting the person who is there, whom they know, who is talking to them about the abuse. Ns, incidentally, at least in my experience, seem to be extremely 'into' doing this. Abusers in general seem to be 'into' it... it's a form of invalidation.

The enablers may not be able to help themselves, any more than the N can, but in the immortal words of Sovereign and Safe, "So What?" You see them making the choice, every single time it occurs. You see that they could choose differently. Eventually, you come to the conclusion that they don't want to. At that point, does it really matter why? Any more than it matters why the N does what they do?

[Overcomer]

In my parents situation my mom has taken over the family and he pretty much adapts by being liked by pretty much everyone-occasionally he will complain about my mom but he is done fighting-she won.  He told me if he had to choose he would choose her because he has to live with her.

[Hopalong]

When I first met my H, he was very angry with his mom

Nice looking gentleman to CB at store: I need some help with...umm...brioches...

CB: I'd be happy to help you.

NLG: Yeah, I'd like to make them like my mother used to...

CB: Oh how nice.

NLG: But that woman. She kept her recipes in a mess.

CB: Oh.

NLG: And she woudln't share them.

CB: Ah-hmm.

NLG: You know, like a recipe was her reason to live.

CB: Hm.

NLG: I'm going to reproduce it if it takes me 100 tries.

CB: Really?

NLG: I just need a good woman who likes to cook...

CB: Excuse me, someone else will wait on you.

[CB123]

Hopsy,

hee hee   

CB

[tayana]

The enablers may not be able to help themselves, any more than the N can, but in the immortal words of Sovereign and Safe, "So What?" You see them making the choice, every single time it occurs. You see that they could choose differently. Eventually, you come to the conclusion that they don't want to. At that point, does it really matter why? Any more than it matters why the N does what they do?

How true this is.  My dad will just leave the room whenever my mom starts in.  He might say something, but then he goes off and does his thing.  He never intervenes.  It's just as bad as what she does.  I keep thinking he'll give me a little support, but all he does is sit and sulk and cater to her whims.  He buys her things to stop her complaining, but whatever he buys is never good enough.  She takes it back, or else keeps it and complains about it. 

I told her once that I was tired of her sitting around wanting everyone to feel sorry for her.  Right now, she's sick.  She has heart problems.  But she's convinced herself that all of her problems are due to her medicine, including the anti-depressants that made her almost normal.  So she quit taking all of her medicine, and now sits around and complains about how bad she feels, makes everyone miserable, and when someone tries to help then nothing is good enough for her.  My dad just sits by and lets her complain and never says a word, lets her walk all over everyone.  I'd like to talk to my brother, but he's just like her.