I want to believe that things can turn out well here. But I have serious doubts. I would appreciate any input from a more informed standpoint than mine.
My H (husband) has N tendencies (per our prior counselor, when I asked him flat out, "What IS this? This need to maintain that he is absolutely right, even when that clearly is not the case?").
H has made some progress in getting used to the idea that sometimes people may correct him. He is often fine with it now, and even makes self-deprecating remarks (I think that this is a sign of a secure adult, able to admit fault and even laugh about it, confident that one mistake doesn't make him a worthless person). I can act like an idiot at times (ever forget why you went out to the garage in the first place? what were you looking for? hmmmmm...). But I know that doesn't make me stupid. If you can help or correct me, you've done me a favor, and I will appreciate you all the more for it.
Everything goes along well for a while. But I always know that H can't go more than 10 days or so (I have just started tracking this in Excel to see of the pattern is regular) without blowing up over some issue. Either I'm not managing our schedule to his liking, or I'm giving him "attitude" (that is generally me being impatient when he doesn't know something that I've told him several times, or when I tell him that something needs to be done a certain way), or I yell at my kids (when he's out of town I do this less, partly because I'm more calm, and partly because I refuse to be controlled by his anger), or I do something else that he doesn't like, and he flares anger.
For a time, he used to grab or hit me, but that was stopped by legal intervention. He no longer uses force to try to make me comply with his edicts. However, I find that the amount of anxiety that I experience in anticipation of his N rage, and then the stress of being around his N rage when he blows up, hearing myself described as the ultimate bad person, the cause of all problems, watching him change into a man who looks and acts like something of a monster, is very toxic. It's like nuclear radiation. Not what I wanted in this marriage that I thought was going to be so great.
I want to be encouraged by his progress, and I am willing to work to get things to go well. But some of the sources I have found say that the only way to deal with an N is to flatter him, never correct, always acquiesce, and be ready to just ignore his outbursts. H's mother advised that she just ignored his dad when his temper flared. She said that there was no point in talking with H's dad when he was angry. I feel that this type of treatment essentially patronizes the man. The message is, "You're such a nut that I can't talk to you. A normal person can discuss an issue, even if he or she is at fault. But you're abnormal, and you can't do this." On the other hand, I recall a book about dealing with men called The Total Woman, and that's the essential message. Stroke their egos, let them be right, that's what they need, and it will be worth it in the end. This all seems very retro.
H and I are both MBAs. I thought that we would just live happily ever after, as peers. But it's a mess. He's a self-described "Regular Guy." I'm a bit of a nerd in cashmere(he calls me "Mensa Girl" when he's mad at me, although who knows why, since it doesn't bother me). If I roll my eyes when he can't keep up (is he even trying? does he have to try, if he can convince himself that his random, lackluster effort is a just perfect?), he goes ballistic. Once I even went to him with a correction just to push his button and watch him dance (just like one of those dolls they sell at Halloween that dances to The Monster Mash). It was easy, and funny. Just walk into the room, tell him he did something wrong, and watch him freak out. I have a tape recording of one of his rants, and when I play it back I LOL. It's so ridiculous that it's funny. Yes, I can laugh about it. But it still stresses me out. It's like laughing about a serious illness, to lighten up a grim situation.
Anyway, bottom line, I'm afraid to leave him since he seems to be making progress (he would not admit this, since he was already perfect in the first place). But I'm afraid to stay because his anger is so stressful and I feel like I'm married to a crazy person. Sometimes I think back to other men I've dated, known in school, at work, socially, or in my own family, etc., and I find that I think that most of them seem a bit weird. Some lie. Some cheat. Some do both (e.g., my X). Some are delusional (e.g., my H). Some just say things that make no sense. I consider that if I can only think of two men I have known in my whole life (both are engineers) who do not seem to be off in some way (and maybe they are, but I just don't know them well enough to realize it - who knows what they do behind closed doors), then maybe weird is actually normal.
I find myself thinking about H's horrible diet (nothing can hurt him he says, except Kryptonite), and wondering how long it will be before it kills him. Nine days out of ten he seems pretty much okay. Then on that 10th day, he's angry and such a monster that I just want him to be gone from my life. This cyclical pattern is probably old news to some of you. I am completely conflicted and I have no idea what to do to make matters better. It's all so ironic, since his behavior seems to be based on a need for power and admiration, yet it gives me so much power to control his behavior through my actions toward him, and to a very large degree I have lost respect for him.
I take the vows of marriage seriously, and I am loath to break them (does this not qualify under the "In sickness and in health" clause?). But I'm not sure I can find my way out of this mess. Black is white and white is black. I don't know whether to go forward or turn back.
