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something strikes me: you have the gift of a healthy 10 year old child and yet you say you live alone! You have a child who will most probably be at your side when you die, isn’t that important, a comfort?
my child and I are close, yes, he's a gift and he will always be a light in my life. Is he my life companion- absolutely not!
This thread is about the existential causes of therapeutic breakdown. He does not feature in the dynamics of that except it is a meaningful thing to do, raise a healthy happy child.
But it's something I notice over and over with parents I know, even those who would not be consciously controlling or abusive: they are in on the dynamics of the child's psyche, already have strong notions about aspects of the person's life which to my way of parenting are nothing to do with me.
I provide the values and modelling, and a comfortable safe environment, it's up to my son to grow up to be who he needs to be.
My friend who just had the baby had tears when I pointed out that I was raising him to be independent and go off from me to fulfil himself- she cannot yet imagine a separation point from her beautiful tiny baby.
But separation is not only inevitable it is healthy.
And in terms of giving meaning to my own life- I would never lean on my son to do that. He does not need to be engulfed in my big personality for one thing, but I see it as abusive to interfere and try to control the person he will become just because I am lonely, and doubly abusive to lean on him whilst I have been going through trauma.
He needs his childhood now and his personhood later.
Isn't that the whole point of this Board- we're reclaiming ourselves after having been swamped and disrespected by people close to us? Didn't it do unbelievable damage to not be respected and heard and allowed to develop our own selves? Wy would I pass that on a generation?
My son is not my purpose for living, and I certainly would not want to be his now or when he's grown up.
His voice and mine may share echos of each other but we are already two distinctly different separate people. We enjoy each other and support each other but it's mostly me supporting him- I guess the balance will tip a little as he grows up...and maybe one day we'll have a friendship, but it is quite a unique relationship and most people fall into the roles with their parents/kids from time to time! It's not entirely reciprocal.
This way of parenting has its downside- he can be forceful and argumentative for example, there's not much 'just do as I say' and we're not strong authority figures. But he also is already strong and thoughtful and capable. I just step in where I need to as a parent ( his father too ) and he uses his own developing judgement and self-discipline where he can. Therefore he has a strong sense of who he is and is already unafraid of the world and his own power.
I did not have a child to give purpose to me, I had a child because I wanted to nurture a baby to become a grown up. There's a certain amount of reliving your own childhood goes into that of course....but I hope I have given my son the experience I never had- of being accepted and loved unconditionally, with the expectations I have for him being for him to live for himself and fulfil himself not me.
When he's a happy adult living a free life with his own agency- that will be my 'reward', and if he's at my deathbed I hope it's just to say an affectionate 'goodbye and thanks mum' - in a 'so long and thanks for all the fish!' inevitability way, not 'I can't go on without you....' and certainly not bucketloads of resentment or unresolved family and personal issues ( the Staffordshire Way....)
