Oh Besee…. you have found more gold. I have to get this book. I’m trying to figure out the cycle. It seems like most of the parts are here. I’m thinking while writing so maybe this won’t make much sense. But this is how it seemed to go.
The abuser wants or needs the target to be a certain way.If the target is not that way the abuser feels threatened and steps up the abuse, using shame and physical abuse to get the target to be the way the abuser wants the target to be.
If the abuser feels that the target may speak up, the abuser uses the preemptive strike that Mud and Gratitude are talking about. This accomplishes 2 things for the abuser. The abuser has defined the target to others so they will ‘see’ the target a certain way, then the abuser continues to harass the target and the target acts out. Once the target acts out the abuser has ‘proven’ that the target is the horrible person the abuser described in the first place. Then the target feels more shame and the abuser feels justified.
The target can’t bear the possibility that someone that is suppose to love her/him would treat her/him this way. So internally, the target believes that the abuser is right. This is where the internal oppression starts. The target feels that they are as ugly and shameful as the abuser has portrayed them to be, the target gives him/herself the terrible messages that the abuser has given him/her for so long, and the target feels like the only one that can rid him/her of that shame is the abuser.
So the target tries to ‘be’ the person the abuser wanted the target to be, because the real person the target is isn’t acceptable to the abuser.
The abuser hooks the target, as long as the target is quiet and submissive, the abuser ‘loves’ the target and tells the target this. The target craves the words… and they are only words, because the abuser has no real love for the target.
And this goes on for a little while, but the target can’t continue because the target isn’t being true to her/him self. The anger and resentment eat at the target, so the target stops playing the game.
But the abuser needs the target be a certain way…. so the cycle continues.Until…… the target starts to seek the truth (the truth will set you free) and begins to accept the reality that the someone who was suppose to love the target didn’t, and never will, and the way to recover is to stop looking for that someone to change and start accepting the truth of the situation. In acceptance, the target begins to heal. But the target still feels the shame (internal oppression) the tricky part here would be that in order to heal from the shame, the target has to acknowledge it’s there and take full responsibility for healing from it. And how that process works… I’m not sure.
He flipped everything around on me. I was so gullible. He masterfully turned it around so I looked like the perpetrator. I was working a 12 step program, looking at what was my part, keeping the focus on myself and not taking his inventory - it made me more of victim for him to dump and project and scapegoat.
I'm sorry that happened to you. It wasn't fair.
MS
Beth.... when I referred to your post I mistakenly said GS instead of Gratitude. I've corrected it and I'm sorry for my carelessness.
