proposed new theory on understanding narcissists

[michael]

We propose a dynamic self-regulatory processing model of narcissism and review supporting evidence. The model casts narcissism in terms of motivated self-construction, in that the narcissist's self is shaped by the dynamic interaction of cognitive and affective intrapersonal processes and interpersonal self-regulatory strategies that are played out in the social arena. A grandiose yet vulnerable self-concept appears to underlie the chronic goal of obtaining continuous external self-affirmation. Because narcissists are insensitive to others' concerns and social constraints and view others as inferior, their self-regulatory efforts often are counterproductive and ultimately prevent the positive feedback that they seek-thus undermining the self they are trying to create and maintain. We draw connections between this model and other processing models in personality and employ these models to further elucidate the construct of narcissism. Reconceptualizing narcissism as a self-regulatory processing system promises to resolve many of its apparent paradoxes, because by understanding how narcissistic cognition, affect, and motivation interrelate, their internal subjective logic and coherence come into focus.

[Stormchild]

Good abstract, Michael. Do you have a pre-publication citation, or a URL?

[camper]

their self-regulatory efforts often are counterproductive and ultimately prevent the positive feedback that they seek-thus undermining the self they are trying to create and maintain.

  I have lost any desire to give my H the positive feedback he NEEDS because he demands it from me.  This was an interesting theory!  But like Ami, most if it I didn't understand.  Someone please simplify it and pick it apart! 

I am thinking that a self-regulatory efforts means trying to control the attention from others, more commonly known as entitlement, and acting like a child to get it (a tantrum).

[dandylife]

The narcicisst needs someone to continually say they are "smart", "okay", "great", "RIGHT", "sexy", "worthwhile", all the positive things they don't have the ability to tell themselves and believe it. They have no ability to self-soothe, and so rely on others to do it for them by adulation.

Of course, this makes for very tough interpersonal relations because we assume they have the abilities everyone else does, but soon find out that's wrong. So whatever we do, we are stuck. We can never be just the right amount of adoring for them (the Goldilocks syndrome).

Dandylife

[camper]

Ami, you don't have to ask me how I know that one, do you?

[camper]

The narcicisst needs someone to continually say they are "smart", "okay", "great", "RIGHT", "sexy", "worthwhile", all the positive things they don't have the ability to tell themselves and believe it. They have no ability to self-soothe, and so rely on others to do it for them by adulation.

Of course, this makes for very tough interpersonal relations because we assume they have the abilities everyone else does, but soon find out that's wrong. So whatever we do, we are stuck. We can never be just the right amount of adoring for them (the Goldilocks syndrome).

Dandylife

This is so good!  This is what sent me to counseling for "my" problems:  We can never be just the right amount of adoring for them    No matter how hard I tried, it was never enough.  I thought I was the worst wife in the world and needed help.  Eventually I discovered I can never give him all he needs and he discovered I can't measure up to his standards.  He was looking to me for his happiness and I wasn't providing it. 

[confused2]

Your comment was very good, Dandylife. Narcissism, is very hard for me to wrap my brain around.

Camper, I wanted to be what he needed, what we all need. Friendship,companionship, his lover.
what more can we all hope for, or want in a mate?? These kind of things are what confuses me
I want to be those things for him, yet when I am, he doesn't want it??? I gave him what he wanted??

confused2

[mudpuppy]

Could you please explain this more simply?

They're nutters.

mud

[WRITE]

Interesting idea micheal, you could express it more simply though to say the same thing: does the narcissistic's own behaviour make the narcissist?

continuous external self-affirmation.

this does not necessarily need to be something positive like praise. An NPD will garner attention negatively also, creating drama, posturing, arguing the opposite for the sake of it, refusing to cooperate.

It's almost like a small child having to have reassurance he exists, feeling alone is too scary. A tantrum or slap will suffice if positive strokes aren't happening. Self-destructive behaviours will serve in the absence of any other external reminder. In the  small child these are seen as disturbed: scratching, head-banging for example. But later they will become more socialised and playful even if they are signs of disturbance. And later still they will be socially 'normalised' self-destruction and not attract much comment. That is the interesting thing for me about what you write- it's not just for NPD but for all of us.

After creating a life of all these emotional undercurrents and annoying people far and wide, despite very real talents and skills, the NPD isn't going to get the feedback to grow or change like the rest of us even if they want to. We grow because we respond differentially. We change because we look for different outcomes. We tire of suffering before we make efforts to adapt.

Many of us have had the experience of taking on NPD reality for a quiet life or at least trying to make a quiet life. It's not a happy place.

a self-regulatory processing system

none of us can raise ourselves though can we? We are communal. If the NPD is invulnerable to personal growth opportunities because they will not tolerate pain or anxiety ( some say cannot ) to get beyond it then it's a 'closed loop'.

Even if they will listen or read it's an intellectual knowledge rather than an intimate experience?

Personally I think Ns have high PTSD characteristics, their constant outcome is to escape the self-loathing and pain of the initial wound place. It's not a fully developed or even developing personality at all.

They're nutters.

mud

  you could have expressed this in a more complex way so as not to offend those of us with mental illness who might well attract similar labels! 

Isn't it about time you wrote another piece about living under the riverbank O comedic one? I've missed your writing this year, what have you been doing?

~W

[mudpuppy]

you could have expressed this in a more complex way so as not to offend those of us with mental illness who might well attract similar labels!

Complexity is too, how should I put it, complex for my primitive amphibian brain, but you're correct, write. I should have said they're malevolent nutters as opposed to benevolent ones.  No offense I hope.

I've missed your writing this year, what have you been doing?

A wife with cancer going through chemo for six months takes a bit of the comedic starch out of a guy.
A wife who is in remission and feeling great after chemo doesn't leave me much time to indulge my literary career. I only have time for the occasional insensitive wisecrack now and again. 
I appreciate the compliment though.

mud

[mi]

I am glad that some found the theory of possible interest.

To help clarify to some, the proposed theory comes from an abstract for something that is online
and to view the full text, i think one has to join some way.
It is not my theory

Abstract
Psychological Inquiry
2001, Vol. 12, No. 4, Pages 177-196
(doi:10.1207/S15327965PLI1204_1)



Unraveling the Paradoxes of Narcissism: A Dynamic Self-Regulatory Processing Model

Carolyn C. Morf‌
Behavioral Science Research Branch, National Institute of Mental Health
Frederick Rhodewalt‌
Department of Psychology, University of Utah


here is the url
http://www.leaonline.com/doi/abs/10.1207/S15327965PLI1204_1

We propose a dynamic self-regulatory processing model of narcissism and review supporting evidence. The model casts narcissism in terms of motivated self-construction, in that the narcissist's self is shaped by the dynamic interaction of cognitive and affective intrapersonal processes and interpersonal self-regulatory strategies that are played out in the social arena. A grandiose yet vulnerable self-concept appears to underlie the chronic goal of obtaining continuous external self-affirmation. Because narcissists are insensitive to others' concerns and social constraints and view others as inferior, their self-regulatory efforts often are counterproductive and ultimately prevent the positive feedback that they seek-thus undermining the self they are trying to create and maintain. We draw connections between this model and other processing models in personality and employ these models to further elucidate the construct of narcissism. Reconceptualizing narcissism as a self-regulatory processing system promises to resolve many of its apparent paradoxes, because by understanding how narcissistic cognition, affect, and motivation interrelate, their internal subjective logic and coherence come into focus.

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[michael]

i did a google search with
   self-regulatory-processing narcissism morf model

and found some of the sites had some pretty interesting articles
that were fully available online....one thing that seems to be a tip off
if it is going to be a full article is when the second line says at the end
View as HTML

For example here is one such article that looked interesting
http://www-personal.umich.edu/~bbushman/EBBCF04.pdf

entitles TOO PROUD TO LET GO: NARCISSISTIC ENTITLEMENT AS A BARRIER TO FORGIVENESS

[Stormchild]

Thanks, michael!

I know this is a cliche, but I mean it - I hope you have a terrific day!

[gratitude28]

Basically, as I understand it, the cycle can never really provide what the N seeks, and therefore it is impossible to break. Is that in a nutshell?

[camper]

From:

TOO PROUD TO LET GO: NARCISSISTIC ENTITLEMENT AS A BARRIER TO FORGIVENESS

Conclusion
Forgiveness, though widely admired as a virtue, sometimes
brings costs for self-interest. In the wake of deep hurt, those who
forgive must humbly set aside hateful thoughts and vengeful
fantasies that seem perfectly justified. To forgive means to cancel
a debt, a debt for which one may fully deserve repayment. This
debt metaphor suggests a profile of a person who should be
especially prone to unforgiveness. An unforgiving person should
be someone who is easily offended, highly invested in collecting
on debts owed to the self, and determined to assert his or her rights
in a principled effort to maintain self-respect. As suggested in the
six studies presented here, individuals high in narcissistic entitlement
fit this unforgiving profile in ways not fully captured by
situational factors (e.g., offense severity, apology, and relationship
closeness) or broad-based individual-difference constructs (e.g.,
agreeableness, neuroticism, religiosity, social desirability). These
findings suggest that narcissistic entitlement is a robust, conceptually
meaningful predictor of unforgiveness.

In my Christian faith, this forgiveness is big!  This is what I mean (from a previous post of mine) when I accuse my H as being hypocritical.  As highlighted, my H holds on to all my transgressions and will bring them up years later.  That is how he always has one up on me.  I let go of things and therefore, can't remember what the heck he is talking about.  He uses it to stick it to me, the famous, "see, I told you". 

Just recently, we were talking about how little my H actually knows about me.  You all know how they are so self-centered, self seeking, and leave little room for you to be you.  A doctor friend of ours suggested the game "the Ungame".  My H went out and bought it.  So, he brings this up recently that "eight" (yes eight) years ago, he bought that game for us to get to know each other and three times (yes, 3) I rejected him.  I questioned him....how did he remember exactly 8 yrs ago, how did he remember 3 times.  I asked him the situation each time he came to me to play this game.  the boys would've been 1 & 4.(that he didn't know )  I had my hands full...how could I just sit down a play a game.  Then I asked why we needed a game to get to know each other.  Was this craziness or what???  I kept on repeating how amazed I was that he remembered something 8 years ago and how I turned him down three times.  I was milking it! and he was squirming but very sure of himself. 

This was an interesting article and is right on.  This entitlement is hard to deal with.  It was a huge discovery for me recently as it shed light on why my H does what he does and thinks like he thinks not to mention what happens when he drives and someone cuts him off or does something wrong.  An "N" invented the horn on cars (and "the look" to go with it)

Thanks Michael!