Saying,"No" comes with a cost...

[confused2]

I really appreciate all of your comments,suggestions, and kind words as I try to learn to walk again.  As I said in my 1st post, sharing comes very hard for me. I am a loner, and
it is really hard for me to trust and share my life with others. This site is the best thing that could have happened to me, and i ask that you please bear with my babbling, and all of the many post that i send out. I feel that because of all of you, and me being able to post here yesterday, brought me Thur the last 24 hrs. Had I not been able to, I really think I would have had a breakdown. I literally, mean a breakdown.

I have an appt with a Therapist on tomorrow. I don't really have the $$, but I do recognize what I am facing is bigger than me right now. Therefore, I will have to juggle my resources.

To be fair to my xN, I would like to share another piece of the relationship. I feel that the choice I made had a lot to do with him dumping me.(that is hard to write) I want to hear what all of you think...

First, let me say that I am not a teenager. I have two adult daughters that are living out on their
own. They are young, but they graduated high school, and chose to pay for their way Thur life.I wanted you to know that piece of me because the decisions that I make I try to put thought into them. I try to always consider how my decisions will affect my girls,my spiritual beliefs, and most of all my"tomorrow." With that being said, I will continue with my ??.

When F,and I met we talked for hours. We talked about our dreams, family,love, our pass, I mean everything. i don't have anything to hide, so i wanted him to know all of me,and mine. He pretended to want everything I wanted, he wanted to be with me, blah blah blah...  he said he understood all of my feelings about how I can about making my decisions/choices. Anyway, I made a choice long
before I met him to exercise 'sexual abstinence" He was find with the decision. It wasn't easy for us but some how "I" found strength to hold on. I want the man in my life to see my heart& my soul,,and not my just my body. It has been one of the hardest choices I have ever made. I can
definitely understand why most want even consider what I have decided. I really understand. I don't judge those that walk the road that I am trying to walk. It is cold, lonely, and hard. Some would say that I am punishing myself. It certainly seems that way at times. There is some truth in that thought.

My girls watch what I do, and they hear the words that I say to them. I want to be sure that I am sending them the right message in what I do& say. I want them to see that I live what I say.Also, I
think there is to much emphasis on sex, and not enough emphasis on the friendship,and the true lovethat you have for the other person if there was no sex...

I think that me not having sex with my xN pushed him over the edge. With all of the voices in his head, I think he knew without marriage he would never really have me. Had we been able to talk, I think we could have talked it out. Even if it meant to just date, and be really good friends? I don't
know if that would have beem possible?? I don't know what we would have done? Would I have given in? could we have had a meaningful relationship without sex until we married? did he lie about wanting to marry me? did he just want to marry me so he could control me?

please don't think i feel superior to anyone that makes a choice different than what I have chosen.
As you can see, I gained nothing. Absolutely Nothing...

The good always finish last....

Confused2


 

[Hopalong]

Hi Confused,
I admire you for holding to a standard you believe in.
In a way, it's terribly lucky that you've held that belief, because having slept with him you would probably feel an enormous bond...the pain would be even worse.

He may have left you because he wanted sex. He might have done that if he was "normal" too.

That doesn't make you wrong or foolish for choosing abstinence. Your body belongs to you.

If you had slept with him it would have just taken longer to untangle yourself, to heal, to move on. And he would have probably found sex outside marriage, or if not that, he would certainly inevitably positively found attention that was too admiring, too inappropriate, too (artificially) intimate outside marriage...because that's supply, and what drives him is just supply.

All the dreamy talk and intensity at the beginning was just that. A dream, with intensity. Ns dream too. Sometimes they convince themselves they mean it when they are in wooing mode. Why wouldn't they? Having a nice woman spill all her secrets and be vulnerable is a really appealing kind of supply.

Whatever your reasons for having and enjoying sex or saving it or not enjoying it or choosing to live without it, they are yours. You have integrity whatever you decide to do with your body. Maybe the choice for you was a deep wish to protect yourself. And maybe, it was a blessing.

Will you do it in your next relationship? Up to you. You may want to, or you may decide it feels right and joyful to celebrate it.

No sex might have given this guy a reason to leave. That's possible. It still doesn't make you wrong.

Nothing gave him an excuse to be a cruel jerk.

Hold on to yourself, treat yourself with kindness, and know that no matter how much you feel incapable of being alone, you're not. You will come back to yourself. You will look back on this as a threshold to the time when you became strong. You really will.

Hops

PS--Read something by Pema Chodron. Ignore the theology, listen to how she thinks. It'll help.

[Dreamer]

Confused,
You wrote: As I said in my 1st post, sharing comes very hard for me. I am a loner, and
it is really hard for me to trust and share my life with others.

I am new to, and this is me also... Hon, you are not alone!

                                                 Dreamer