he hasn't even done the simplest things (like saying goodbye when leaving in the morning
OMG, Hope, you and I are having some of the same experiences, exactly.
I had to tell my H a couple of days ago that it's problematic for me if he goes to bed without saying goodnight (I have no idea what's going on and I assume he's still awake when he's not), and this morning I had to tell him that leaving without saying goodbye to the kids and me is also a problem. I tried to explain that saying goodnight or goodbye serve his own interests because they provide others with a chance to check with him or remind him of things (alarm clock times, things he needs to take with him in the car, etc.). He raged, insisting that he brings me the glass of water that I will later take to bed, while I am still at my desk, it's obvious he's going to bed. He can't ever be wrong. But later he will change the behavior. Sometimes. Grudgingly. This is what passes for progress here, and don't ever think that he will get to a point where he might say, "I didn't realize that wasn't obvious. Sorry. I'll just say "Goodnight." from now on. Admit that he might have been less than 100% sensitive. That is not going to happen. We used to argue about that stuff. No more. I don't bother.
I noted others here saying that their experience with N's was that they never say "please, thank you, or I'm sorry" Ditto here. Also true for you?
You mentioned that when he's gone out of town, you and your kids feel much better. Us too. I empathize completely.
he says those horrible things about me
Hope, I want to tell you that since these two men behave so similarly, I think that it is highly likely that the harsh things he says to you, about you, etc., are things that he doesn't even believe. That's one of the weird things about this kind of mind. They will say things that know are false, using them as red herrings, so that they can direct the discussion away from their own weird behavior.
You seem to be looking for clarity about the N aspect of this. When my H stopped going to our second counselor (we're now on our third), I went in without him and asked flat out, "What is this? This inability to ever admit that he might be wrong. What IS it?" The answer was short. "_____ has narcissistic tendencies." The T went on to tell me that his own father had NT, that many doctors have it, that he had no idea why H's first wife (deceased) put up with him, unless she needed a meal ticket, that N rage is very dangerous, and that N's can never change. I asked if he was telling me that I should leave. He advised me that he could not decide that for me. Then, at the end of the session, he told me we were finished, that I didn't need him any more. I objected, and said that I thought I might need help dealing with this. He said I could call him if I needed him. But that I should not tell H about the NT. Right then I knew it would come out, in an argument,. which it did. I get so frustrated at times, I act crazy, break things, call him 30 times at work to yell at him. I have been thinking about becoming either an alcoholic (like you, I hardly drink, but self-medication with alcohol holds promise - this is meant a tongue in cheek joke), or a shopaholic, or possibly a desperate housewife (I'm against cheating but I think just maybe I could be stolen away, if the right man tried it).
I relate most strongly to the following from the list. What resonated with you?
5. THE BLAME-GAME NARCISSIST never accepts responsibility. Blames others for his failures...
6. THE VIOLENT NARCISSIST is a wife-Beater... uses others as scapegoats for his aggression or revenge. He has poor impulse control. Fearless and guiltless, he shows bad judgement. He will harass and push to make you pay attention to him and get a reaction. He will try to make you look out of control. Can become dangerous and unpredictable. Has no remorse or regard for the rights of others.
9. OUR "SOUL MATE"... will come on strong, sweep us off our feet. He seems to have the same values, interests, goals, philosophies, tastes, habits. He admires our intellect, ambition, honesty and sincerity. He wants to marry us quickly. He fakes integrity, appears helpful, comforting, generous in his 'idealization' of us phase. It never lasts. Eventually Jekyll turns into Hyde. "Our Knight in Shining Armor" has become our nightmare.
10. THE QUIET NARCISSIST is socially withdrawn. Odd thinking is observed.
11. THE SADIST is now the fully-unmasked malignant narcissist. His objective is watching us dangle as he inflicts emotional, financial, physical and verbal cruelty.
12. THE RAGER flies off the handle for little or no provocation. Has a severely disproportionate overreaction. Childish tantrums. His rage can be intimidating. He wants control, attention and compliance. In our hurt and confusion we struggle to make things right. Any reaction is his payoff. He seeks both good or bad attention. Even our fear, crying, yelling, screaming, name calling, hatred are his objectives. If he can get attention by cruelty he will do so.
Hope, in spite of all the Hell, do you often have times that are quite wonderful? If so, have they become tainted with anticipation of the next blowup? Does it seem like the slate is never going to be clean? Like it will never end? Is it getting better, worse, staying the same?
My husband has been ordered to go to "counseling"
My husband was ordered to attend 18 weeks of Anger Management. You know what he got out of it? He learned that he's supposed to leave if he gets too angry, which happens when I behave badly. That's right.
But I keep thinking that things are getting better. He doesn't dare lay a hand on me. That's a very positive development. But only after I had the authorities intervene, twice. I had been really scared. It started out with him jumping on top of me and spanking me to make me shut up when we were arguing. Eventually, I became terrified that sooner or later I would hit my head when he jumped on me. Then he did this fake strangling thing. Twice. When somebody has their hands around your neck, you don't know if you're going to die or not. The fact that you can still breath seems like it may be temporary. Thus, uniformed officers were summoned by yours truly. Twice. A judge told him, "You do it again, Mr. ____, and you're going to the penitentiary." So there is no more physical component. What great progress!
After the first arrest, while talking with him on the phone, I explained that I had made audio tapes of his rants, in which he admitted to the strangling incident, just in case I died, because I wanted to leave evidence behind. I didn't want him to get away with manslaughter. It would be bad enough to be dead and all, but to have him collect on my life insurance and have nobody ever know that he kept jumping little me until I foreseeably hit my head and died? No way! You know what he said? "Those tapes are just going to get me screwed by the legal system." I said, "You understand that in this scenario I am dead at your hands? Doesn't it seem like since I'm dead, I'm the one that got screwed? Doesn't it seem like since you would be guilty of at least manslaughter, you should go to prison?" He was sure, "No... It would be your own fault because you wouldn't shut up."
So, you're going through something similar to what I'm going through. My husband was described by a T as having NT. I swear, I think that T had some kind of weird thing going where he wanted things to get worse for my H, having something to do with the T's feeling about his own father. As far as I'm concerned that's just the T's own weirdness. It doesn't change the validity of his diagnosis, which seems to fit the NT profile perfectly. It just reinforces my opinion that everybody is weird as Hell. So I guess I should be having a glass of wine, while I shop online for some hot shoes, to wear out on a date with that handsone man that works in my office. Just kidding.
