tx,
I'd like to tell you a bit about my situation.
My husband, like yours, seems to want to put all blame on me for the trouble in our marriage of 20 years. I finally gave him an ultimatum that he will seek counseling or else. We had gone to other counselors in the past, but nothing seemed to stick.
Because my husband is slack on paying bills, I had to appeal to the church to help us keep our electric/gas on in our home. After they paid $500 of our bills, they told us we needed to have debt counseling through church or they could not and would not help us further. So, last sunday we met with the debt counselor, who told us "you both would really benefit from marriage counseling." I think that WOKE HIM UP, HEARING IT FROM ANOTHER MALE AUTHORITY. He agreed to go for counseling, but said "I guess it wouldn't hurt to go one time." I told him, "ohhhhhhhhh no. I'm not playin that game. We are going to counseling regularly as we need it." He said "ok whatever."
Well, today during church, I showed him an announcement about marriage encounter. He asked me "did you see THIS one?" It was a 2 hour marriage thingy. I said "maybe we could do both?" He said "I dunno. maybe."
So, we are on our way to a healthier marriage, thank GOD!
As far as the physical violence you mentioned...my husband's idol, his father, was raised in an orphanage. His father was brutal with the children, molested both my husband's sisters, and never asked forgiveness to my knowledge for any of it. My husband's mother stayed with the man WHILE HE WAS MOLESTING HER DAUGHTERS...to this day, my sister in law is angry about her mother not apologizing and admitting to what happened. My husband is the most like his father of all the sons. He has always painted his father as "giving the shirt off his back to anyone in need." I can tell you, I met the man...that much WAS true. ANy time we visited his father, he gave us things. He seemed to have a good heart, buried under the hurt and loneliness from not having had parents raise him and love him. The man was sexually explicit in conversations, as well as quite violent in them.
My husband grew up with a tyrant for a father. Even when his dad came to visit us, my husband showed him crafts he was working on...shelves...and his father always told him how they'd never sell, weren't built right, would be a disgrace to his talents, etc. I can recall my husband's face just dropping due to his father's disapproval. My husband doesn't remember any of it. Go figure...sigh.
There were several instances, when my husband was physically abusive to my oldest daughter, his stepchld. Finally, my bioogical mom told me if she ever heard that I stood back and allowed the abuse, she would report BOTH OF US and we'd lose our children. From that point on, I refused to let my husband use corporal punishment on my children. To this day, he still insists when we have issues with them, "if you would have let me "discipline" them, when they were young..." The problem was not lack of discipline. The problem was my children's father was raised in a home that was practical, farm-centered, and very non-emotional other than anger. All my husband has known all his life, was that, to be approved, you WORKED LIKE A HORSE! He tried to raise our girls as boys. He tried to make them TOUGH. It was very hard on me for sure, but one thing was, no matter what he did, I did NOT ALLOW HIM TO RAISE A HAND TO THEM!
I will tell you, whether you choose to stay with your husband or not, you must DISALLOW any physical abuse. Whatever it takes, do not allow it. If the man is verbally abusive, remove the children from his presence and learn to not internalize it. If you are not in personal counseling, I will let you know, it has really helped me to have someone outside the situation to talk to about it, even when my husband refused to go. Another thing is, read read read listen to tapes, watch videos, research the internet for information on bettering relationships, handling controllers, letting go of abusive partners...whatever...just DO IT for yourself, hon. Seriously. LIfe is SHORT in the grand scheme of things. YOu owe it to yourself to do what's best for you and to take care of your children's mother.
PLease let me/us know how things go. You'll be in my prayers.
~Laura
