Hi Michael:
tho few to none hmmm.... in the immediate family agree...
That sounds lonely. You're the only one in your family who thinks your mum is an N? I bet you have to be strong to keep your conviction as N's have such a way of twisting things around... causing one to quesiton oneself.
No one else has to agree with you, do they? What matters is that you feel certain in what you think??
I think my father was a psychopath.
methinks the damage done by a narcissist
to those under their power
can tend to be worse than the damage of a psychopath....
I dunno. How does one measure damage? Is there a scale or something? Personally, I've had this weird theory all of my life that not everything that happens to/around me
has to effect me. I really think so much has to do with attitude, coping mechanisms and beliefs (but ofcourse, I could never have put that into words, as a child). I think I just thought my father was a lunatic and so I tried to pay as little attention to him and his ridiculous tantrums as possible. I just thought that as soon as he calmed down, which he always eventually did, life would go on as usual. So unless he was acting violently, I think I mostly ignored his ranting/raging or left the room so as to avoid it. Is it possible that I treated my father like a 2 year old having a tantrum? I wonder now? It almost seems like it.
Do you feel damaged? Like tainted goods? I do these days but for years I didn't. Ha! Maybe I am becoming more self-aware? Although, I do admit, the damage is not the result of my father's behaviour but of other more recent traumatic events.
So what about the damage? Is it permanent? Must we tolerate it's effects forever? Are we done like dinner, do you think Michael?
Personally, I don't think so. I think that was then, this is now. Seriously. Here's what goes through my head:
Yes, I've lived through some really nasty junk.
Yes, it has hurt me in certain ways and has held me back in other ways.
Yes, I've somehow managed to survive and feel somewhat sane, so that's a good thingy.
No, I'm not going to let the past rule now or in the future.
No, I have no intention of limping through life, licking my wounds.
No, I won't give that much power to those who want it so badly.
I'm in charge of me.
I could go on. I'm just in a kind of .......thinking out loud mode this morning.
How about you Michael? What do you think about how your past has or is effecting your now and your future?
Hey Hops. Sorry your brother was so nasty. Not nice for you at all.
Sela
