Hi Lupita,
I am going to jump in here – I hope that that is OK.
You asked
They do not know the damage they do. Would we punish a blind man for stepping on our toes? Would we punish a deaf person for not answering a question?
If he steps on your toes once or twice, I would have to say no you do not punish the man who cannot see. If, after advising him where your toes are, he continues to step on them, then I think you have every right to remove your toes from where he has access to them. Do you punish him, not necessarily – you just protect your toes.
I think Jeffery Dahmer had a mental illness, he was aware of the damage he did, but could not stop himself. I don’t think that his mental illness gave him the right to keep torturing and eating people and I would punish him for his action (not to mention that if I was aware of what he was, I would make sure I was never in his vicinity).
Are N parents as bad a Jeffery Dahmer? Not necessarily. Are their actions worse than someone who cannot see stepping on your toes? Most likely.
I sort of equate narcissists to knife wielding people who are eyesight and hearing impaired combined. Just because they cannot see or hear, are you required to stay in their presence and risk being stabbed? No. If you choose to stay in their presence because you cannot bring yourself to leave them in the face of their impairment, then you are well within your rights to get some body armor to protect yourself from the knife. In other words, it is ok to mentally divorce from them if it is important, right now, not to physically divorce them.
Does this make any sense?
I went NC last year. No matter how many times I asked her to stop stepping on my toes and to stop stabbing me with that knife – she couldn’t/wouldn’t do it. For whatever reason, she doesn’t have it in her. I could accept (not respect – thank you Hops) that, and continue to have her in my life if she would have stopped treating me badly. She couldn’t. It was at the point where I finally realized how much damage she was doing. My toes were permanently flat, and it was impairing my ability to walk through life, take care of myself, and take care of my family.
I still struggle with it sometimes, but ultimately I did not leave my mother. I never really had a mother. I had a needy incubator. Yes, I was provided with food, clothes, and a roof over my head, but I was never given necessary tools to be a whole and functioning adult. Instead of living a happy, fulfilling life, a struggle with a lot anxiety, PTSD, poor self-image. …..
You have a son. What would you tell him if instead of having you (a wonderful mother), he had your mother as a mother? Would you tell him he is obligated to stay with her?
The societal taboo of leaving a mother is a very difficult one to deal with. I sometimes wonder if we are the forerunners of a change in society. When I was a child, child abuse wasn’t a household word (and I am taking about physical/sexual abuse). It wasn’t until the late 70’s/early 80’s (I think), where the overt types of child abuse became common knowledge. I think this evolution is still occurring – and now it is moving towards the more silent types of abuse – emotional abuse and neglect (in my opinion - some of the worst types of abuse). Right now, it seems to me that general society is still in the dark ages regarding this type of abuse.
Do you remember when it was taboo to divorce? Women who divorced their husbands were shunned by society. Instead of having a name - they became "that divorced woman." Because of societal norms, they thought that they did not have a choice, and stayed in toxic relationships because society dictated this. Child emotional abuse and neglect is a recognized syndrome, but I think that society in general does not realize how pervasive it is – and how damaging. Right now, in this time and place, it is considered taboo to leave your mother. Sometimes I think of myself as that “divorced child.” Maybe 20 or 30 years down the road, as the ramifications of childhood emotional abuse and neglect become more well known, societal norms will catch up with us, and divorcing a parent will be accepted – just as divorcing a spouse is now accepted. I am hoping that through sites like these, awareness will increase, and instead of it being taboo to divorce a parent, it will be taboo to emotionally abuse and neglect a child. Maybe then the cycle of abuse will truly stop.
It is very hard. I was in your situation last year. I understand completely where you are – my mind circled for weeks wrestling with this decision - and there is no easy answer.
As an aside, I read in another post that you don’t think you are strong. Lupita - please don’t doubt your strength. I see such a tremendous amount of strength in you. It is so clear that you love your son. You have sacrificed a lot for him, and did it willingly and with his well being in your heart. You figured this out on your own, without a loving or nurturing mother to guide your steps. You walked away from an abusive husband, recreated your life, and made the world a good place for your son. This takes tremendous strength after having been raised by an N.
I am thinking of you as you undergo your upcoming surgery. Surgery is difficult by itself; to have it compounded by an N is frightening. Please know that, at the least in this difficult time, you have every right to think of yourself first and to put your mother on the back burner. Do whatever you have to do to take care of yourself – regardless of how it will affect your mother. Heal, regain your strength, and then tackle the N problem.
((((((Sending you hugs, energy, and prayers))))))))
Peace
