Best Divorce Lawyer for dealing w/ N?

[pandora]

Hi,

I wondered if any of you could advise me on this.  

I have met w/ 4 lawyers and am trying to decide who is the best fit.  Number one is out of the running because he seemed like the type that could get too nasty.  I want to try and avoid inflaming my H more than is necessary, since I already expect him to react very badly when he realizes that this is THE END.

Some questions-

Since image can be very important to Ns is it best to go with a very professional looking outfit?

Any thoughts on male vs. female lawyers?

Two of the lawyers are women - better to go with older, more experienced (very competent, but has a grandma-like image which he may not take seriously) or younger and more polished (but could potentially push his buttons by being a little more aggressive)?

I was advised by one lawyer that I should file before he returns from his prolonged trip, since Ns have trouble accepting the truth it's better to make it very very clear by being proactive.  I hope that will stop any last minute attempts by him to "win me back" but expect him to see filing in his absence as a very underhanded thing to do.  

Any other tips on what to expect?  I am going to try and get temporary rights to live in our house while things progress and I have thought of changing the locks- which is absolutely legal.  I could also pack his stuff and put it all in his office- also legal.  Is this likely to just inflame him and make things more difficult for me in the end?

Actually, if this nightmare really had to happen, he at least has done me a huge favor by running away and leaving me lots of time to prepare myself and establish a strong position.  Not very smart!  If I truly was a vengeful person, I could easily damage his prized possesions or book my round the world trip on his credit cards!  

Another interesting thing I have learned - if someone has a protective order against them, they can be barred from owning or buying firearms for many many years.  This is relevant to me because my H collects guns - so if he wants to keep his toys he will need to behave.   Maybe this fact will be helpful to some of you.  

OK, kind of running on and on again.  Thanks to all, and have a great weekend.

Pandora

[bunny]

pandora,

My view is to get the attorney that YOU want to work with. One you feel will competently handle YOUR side. It's the attorney's job to handle your husband. It doesn't matter whether your husband dislikes this person. If it were me, I'd get an attorney who is excellent; who will be a great advocate for me.

bunny

[lynn]

Hi pandora,

I agree with bunny.  Choose someone who HEARS you and REPRESENTS your wishes.  

I interviewed several attorneys and, like you, found different types of people.  Here are some of the questions I asked:  What type of personality do you feel you best represent?  What type of client bugs you?  When are you most successful in court or in negotiation?  (I figured that Ns do well in public situations where they are the center of attention.  My N is charming and well spoken.  Therefore, I wanted someone who would settle out of court.  Someone who felt that they were BEST at negotiation.) In terms of the other side (your N), describe the type of person are you most/least effective working with? What percentage of cases do you settle out of court?  What percentage of your clients are women?  What would I need to do to contribute well to our team, should I select you?

I also asked, how available are you?  How quickly do you return telephone calls?  Do you have an assistant that I will talk to, or will I always talk to you.  In what time increment do you bill?

I chose the attorney who provided me with the most valuable information.  Who seemed to be comfortable working with N-like people.  But mostly, she is someone who made me feel that I could make it through the process.

Good luck,

lynn

[Karin]

Hi Pandora,
I agree with Bunny, choose the lawyer that you like the best. Do what's right for YOU. Do everything from your perspective, don't even think about how whatever you do will affect your NH. That's not your concern anymore. You're experiencing the first taste of making your mind up to suit yourself, it was a new concept for me too.

I was happy with the lawyer I chose. I could talk freely with him and he understood the 'nature' of my NH fairly well. He achieved the terms of settlement last Thursday and I did better than expected. He shielded me from my N; in fact the settlement was reached entirely between the 2 lawyers negotiating, we didn't need the Court Registrar to intervene and I didn't even see my ex-NH or his lawyer at the court building.

You'll see what you need to do in order to get the outcome you want. You are not being 'underhanded' in any way if you have to do things like change the locks to keep him out. If that what it takes, then you do it.
Remember, it doesn't matter what he thinks, you're not his caretaker anymore.
Best of Luck,
Karin.

[pandora]

Thanks for the responses - I am leaning toward the younger and feistier woman.  She was sharp and very professional and the firm is large with many resources.  
 
Rather than try to cater to my H, my goal is to try and act in a way that will give me the most advantage and minimize the chances of any crazy behavior from him.  How does an N react when the spouse decides it's over?  Has anyone here ever had to resort to a protective or anti-stalking order?

Lynn, it is interesting that we seem to be at the same stage - pretty freaky to have to be learning about divorce law.  Some of it is actually quite interesting.  

Karin, congratulations on having everything finalized, I hope you got what you needed out of it.  Evidently my case could potentially be very easy to deal with, but I expect H to have some trouble getting it.  

Everyday I thank God that we never had children and that now he cannot have any thanks to medical science.  The best decision he ever made!

[lynn]

Karin, CONGRATULATIONS!!!! HURRAY!! Good for you!  I am SO happy for you and your settlement.  Your courage to stay the course is inspirational.  I hope that you are celebrating!!!!

pandora,  Like you my H went out of town for an extended trip.  During his absence,  I got my plan in order.  As his return got closer and closer, my anxiety rose. By the time the day arrived, I was absoletely freaked.  Sweating, racing heart, upset stomach.  I did not know how he would react.  In the event he was angry, I had extra clothes, shoes, keys and a credit card packed my car. I left the doors of the car unlocked.  I had the local police number programmed into my cell phone.  

In my case, upon his return, he was SAD and SORRY and CHARMING.  He did not resort to anger on the first evening.  Instead he tried to get me to change my mind.  

pandora, You know your husband best.  Trust your instinct. Be prepared.  Think through options.    It doesn't hurt to be more prepared.

Good luck.
lynn

[Karin]

Thanks Pandora and Lynn for your congratulations. I feel like I should be cracking out the champagne but I've been burnt so many times with promises of "I'll do it" I'm not going to relax until everything is signed and sealed and the money's in the bank.

Not knowing how your N is going to react is what drives us crazy I think. I also tend to prepare for the worst and then whatever does happen is usually not so bad. Guess we've all been taught to do that having walked on eggshells around them for so long.
Take care,
Karin.