And then, there was silence . . .

[rosencrantz]

My mother wanted my 'H-to-be' for her own! All fluttery eyelashes and cosying up to him.    "Haven't you got lovely long eyelashes", she said to him.  Oh, so he has but - crikey - I'm the W-to-be and even I hadn't lookd him over that closely!!!  

He just totally ignores her.  Wrong technique  
R

[clj_writes]

LOL, Rosencrantz!!!!  And what a hoot that your H ignores her.  

[Portia]

Christy:

"She is just on loan to you".

The truth so often said in jest? It’s at moments like this that I wish someone would step in and speak the truth. For example in your moment there, I could look your mom in the eye and say: “So are you saying you want to have a romantic and sexual relationship with your daughter? Is that why she’s only ‘on loan’? That’s what you’re implying, to any sane person’s interpretation.” What rubbish they talk! On loan indeed, like a darn lawnmower or something, talk about objectifying you!

Rosencrantz: Oh yuk, fluttering eyelashes indeed. I’m getting a Gloria Swanson moment about your mother. Your previous post did make sense to me, before or after my editing!

[rosencrantz]

LOL - Portia - You see my mother much better than I do and you make me laugh every time.  But then I remember what a bewildered person she really is and I feel really sad for her.    and
R

[clj_writes]

Dear Portia,
I appreciate your bluntness although it made me squirm.  I had never carried through on the logic (if there is such a thing) of my mother's statement.  I just chalked it up as more evidence of how she wants to consume me.  But you are right, I am indeed an object to her and it does not make sense to the child in her that she cannot have what she wants.  Just  knowing my H exists probably makes her want to throw a tantrum!

The whole romantic and sexual aspect is a demented (but possibly real) twist I'm not sure I can stomach contemplating at this point....

[Portia]

Oh gosh no! Sorry Christy, I didn’t mean that romantic/sexual stuff literally! No! What I was trying to say was: take your mother’s statement at face value and give it back to her.

Mother to your husband: "She is just on loan to you".
So mother what are you saying? Here is your daughter, married to a man. Are you denying exactly what this means? That she has entered an exclusive partnership of two people who love each other romantically and otherwise – and that you, her mother, have loaned her out in to this?? So you have some similar attachment?

I’m not saying your mother does think this! What I wanted to say was, gee, I’d love to face your mother with this argument to counter her ridiculous and illogical comment. I wanted to shock your mother into retracting what she said, because it is just so stupid.

And why am I so mad about this comment? Because it simply says, quite directly, that she owns you. And it is within her power to loan you in marriage. I’m not saying she wants romance and sex with you – God no! I wanted to smash her somewhat superior and supercilious comment with something hard: because while her comment seems like you could pass it off as a joke, it’s actually very revealing about how she sees you: as an object, as a thing to serve her. And that’s no joke. (The way your folks talk about you in phone calls as though you’re not there also objectifies you.) Why does this make me mad? Too close to some of my experiences!

Very very sorry I gave you the wrong idea, especially with time differences in postings between the UK and where you are. Hope I haven’t caused too much worrying? Best, P

[clj_writes]

Hi, Portia. No time to write much as I want to go exercise.  No problem on your post; it is always good to have new things to consider (even if they are creepy!).

There's no direct communication in my family.  I could not confront her without major upheaval.  Even minor confrontations are earth-shattering.  My mother has a twin sister whom I've never met although she lives in the same town as her old sister whom we saw all the time so I know how disconnections can occur in my family.

And yes, lately I've felt emotionally violated by her.  A friend said "It almost sounds like she raped you" and I said "It is starting to feel like she did rape me emotionally".  She is definitely more focused on me than on my father.  Her focus on my loner brother is also creepy in a different way.

But I don't want to steal this thread--I apologize to the originator.

More (perhaps) another time (and perhaps in another thread)...

[Portia]

RedRose hope you don’t mind if I carry on hijacking your thread for another post?

I wanted to go back to just one thing you said Christy:

My mother has a twin sister whom I've never met although she lives in the same town as

Because I went   when I read it yesterday. Now this is creepy too to me. She’s your Aunt and you’ve never met her? Maybe there’s a very good reason but – but – wouldn’t you like to know why?

[clj_writes]

Sorry, RedRose, but I can't resist answering.  Yes, it is weird I have an aunt whom I've never met.  When asked my mother says dismissively "Oh, we just don't have anything in common" and leaves it at that.

I did get my Aunt's e-mail address many years ago and exchanged a few e-mails with her and also with her son (my cousin) whom I also have never met.  I didn't resonate with either of them nor did I learn any more about the family history.  LOL-I guess we just don't have anything in common.  Then again I was very controlled by my parents back then so perhaps it was only "perception".  I did learn my aunt is quite anxious--even more so than my anxious mother.

You are right about secrets.  They are powerful and do tend to keep things fixed in the status quo.