healing

[Wildflower]

Gosh I’ve been all over the place in the past few days.  Just when you think you’ve got it all figgered out, WHAP, CRASH, WAAAAAAAAAHHHH.

So, I was wondering.  When are you gonna setup shop and teach a class in comedy for the emotionally constipated?     Oh, boy.

Thanks for taking the time to parse through my icky mom stuff, CG.

(((((((CG))))))))

Wildflower

P.S. - Super big thanks for the HIGS.   They're making my cat kinda nervous, but I think he'll be okay.  He's super friendly.

[Anonymous]

Hi Wildflower,

How ya goin'. I read on Rosencrantz's thread that you were feeling a bit blue. I get the best ideas when I'm blue. I write the best letters and reach out to people I've loved and forgotten about then too. So for me, good things come out of being blue, and it ain't so bad.

I was going to tell you something the other day about when or how or why I think I had a bit of unexpected healing take place in me about 3 or 4 years ago. I had a near dear experience. Well, sort of a near death experience. Well, nearly a near death experience. I 'm sort of used to them because I think I have one every time I go out in the car.    No, No, I tell a lie, it's not me that has them at all when I go out driving, I think it's me who gives them to the other drivers. HAHAHAHHAHAHA  :

Anyway, before I rudely interrupted myself, I was going to tell you what happened. I had a cancer. A nasty scarey little bugger. And it was found purely coincidentally and by-the-way. That time between finding it and the scan and tests was the greatest reality shift I'd ever had. I really learned what and who was important to me then. I'd had mini reality checks before but nothing like that. They got it (the cancer) all out and I'm fine.

Then I had 2 more life-scares with the following 12 months. Both with my child, once with a serious electrocution which shot out of his hands and feet, and fortunately there was no organ damage. But I had plenty of time to think about what was important when I was sleeping in hospital with him for nearly a week. He had deep holes in hands and feet, and later daily trips to the burns unit and for dressing changes and then skin grafts.

Then within 6 month I nearly lost him from Meningococcal. I slept in isolation with him for just on 5 days while they pumped him full of so much anti-biotics. It took 4 or 5 days alone for his 42 fever to break. I thought he wasn't going to make it. He was 23 Kilo's when that virus hit him, (from playing in one of those bloody indoor playground ballrooms we think) and when he came out of it he was 14 kilo's. He was so emaciated I couldn't eat either.

I bargained with the devil, with God, with the earth spirits, the spirits of my ancestors, you name it. It felt like I was living under a curse at the time, but then I realise I wasn't. And when everything settled down, I realised I didn't give a shit about a whole lot of stuff anymore.

Now it was, "Hey son, are they your toys all over the my nice clean floor, cool baby, can I come and play with you?"

Since then I've thought a fair bit about what's important in my life, in the context of death, dying or losing someone special.

And I think the horrible things that have happened with people in the past (like mother), or people in my present who may keep hurting or trying to manipulate me, seem less and less important and just plain not worthy of my time.

I'm constantly reminded that my real life is only here and now, and spending my life with and on the people I love and care about is the only real game in town. The past is now just a bunch of memories. Even my cat who I bought for my son, gives me so much pleasure. I get more love from that cat in one day, than I got out of my dumb mother in 35 years. Where am I gonna invest my love and energy?

So I've made a lot of changes, slowly. I think before, my memories were driving me to make decisions and go in a direction that, suddenly, I realised I didn't really want to go, or to a place I didn't really want to be.
Now it's my real life, the present and the important, that I try to ensure is responsible for my decisions.

I hope the blues turn out to be a beautiful blue, it's my favourite colour.

((((HIG))))

CG

[Anonymous]

PS,    forgot to add, I was re-reading through your "I don't think I want to dance with you with you anymore thread." That's a good read with a cup of coffee.    I got a lot out of it, there's a lot of good stuff in there. But I'm mainly thinking about the four agreements Rosencrantz talked about in there and what a good compass they are. That's not what I wanted to tell you but that keeps popping into my mind too???? Curious???? And I can't get the idea back that I had!!! Damn it!!!

I saw a book the other day by the same name (The four agreements) in a book shop. It must be the same?? Anyway, thought I'd throw that in. But that re-reading that thread, in the light of this one, it gave me an idea I wanted to share with you about you and your mum, but now I've lost it again temporarily. Oh well, I'll go back and re-read, loosen the line a bit till it nibbles again then I'll give it a hard yank and reel it in and let you know what it was.

(((HIG)))

CG

[Wildflower]

Hi CG,

Anyway, before I rudely interrupted myself, I was going to tell you what happened. I had a cancer. A nasty scarey little bugger. And it was found purely coincidentally and by-the-way. That time between finding it and the scan and tests was the greatest reality shift I'd ever had. I really learned what and who was important to me then. I'd had mini reality checks before but nothing like that. They got it (the cancer) all out and I'm fine.

Was this the tumor in your leg or something else?  That must have been so scary that the doctor’s just stumbled upon it.    Was your husband supportive through it all?  Did you have to have all those tough chemo treatments?

Both with my child, once with a serious electrocution which shot out of his hands and feet, and fortunately there was no organ damage. But I had plenty of time to think about what was important when I was sleeping in hospital with him for nearly a week. He had deep holes in hands and feet, and later daily trips to the burns unit and for dressing changes and then skin grafts.

Then within 6 month I nearly lost him from Meningococcal. I slept in isolation with him for just on 5 days while they pumped him full of so much anti-biotics. It took 4 or 5 days alone for his 42 fever to break. I thought he wasn't going to make it. He was 23 Kilo's when that virus hit him, (from playing in one of those bloody indoor playground ballrooms we think) and when he came out of it he was 14 kilo's. He was so emaciated I couldn't eat either.

OMG CG, you must have felt so helpless.      Two major random events like that (not to mention the skaky bit about your cancer), threatening to take your child.  How is he now?  Are his burns healed?  Is he okay and feeling safe again?

Now it was, "Hey son, are they your toys all over the my nice clean floor, cool baby, can I come and play with you?"

That’s such a beautiful image.  Once again, that says it all to me and I have no worries about your mothering skills. I feel it here and I see it in what you write about them.  Lucky babies.   How many are there and how old are they?  I'm so sorry if I missed that in an earlier posting.

Thank you so much for sharing your own experiences with a bit of unexpected healing.  Is okay to say I feel like I’m going through this same process, but on a tiny scale, right now?  Can I do that without minimizing your very real fight with illness and death and the loss of your child?  My life was building up and I was feeling more and more human, and then pow – bad news from the mom front, and now I feel as though my life is being threatened, and I’m not sure whether I’m going to pull through or not.  Will I get sucked back in (and die) or will I find the strength to pull out of this?  

The thing is, this isn’t just a spiritual battle.  This is making me physically ill, too.  And not just the panic attack I had a month ago.  In October, a month after an earlier really bad phone call with mom (just a 7 on the Richter scale in contrast to last month’s 9), I ended up going to the ER at 4AM because I was in so much pain and could barely lift my head off my pillow to roll over or sit up.  And I had a numb spot on my thigh that I’d noticed a few days before.  The ER doc sent me home with some pain killers and a referral to a neurologist.  The neurologist checked out okay, but of course, I was spooked.  Then I had some bleeding that I won’t go into here, but that was pretty damn scary, too.  Again, everything seemed to be normal at the doctor’s office.  So now, duh, I realize it was the stress.  And looking back, I see that the stress and pain and feelings I shove down seep out in physical ways.  Funny how, as a child, I was always getting sick.

Still, I can’t help thinking that all this trouble with mom has been given to me as a gift (is that too self-centered?).  A gift meant to help me understand what happened when I was little and helpless so that I can finally cut myself loose and kick out the demons.  And that’s why I’m trying so hard to take full advantage of this gift while it’s here.  Learn from it while I still can.

Last night wasn’t so great at first (thanks for asking), but I think I just really needed to grieve.  So many bad memories have been surfacing and I want to put them to rest.   So I was washing the dishes (a piece of me thinking of Portia) and reeling from the bit I posted on R’s ‘letter to mom’ thread in an attempt to provide contrast so that R wouldn’t be too hard on herself.  Writing it out brought all those feelings to the surface, and tears were streaming down my face because all I could think was “She knew.  She knew.  And she did nothing.”  I feel betrayed.   I was gripping the sink as my thoughts gravitated back to mom.  “I’m sorry mom (sobbing now), I’m really so sorry.  I wish I could tell you that you broke the chain, but you didn’t, and I’m so sorry for you because of that.  You softened the blow, but you didn’t break the chain.  I wish I could take all that pain away from you (really sobbing now).  If I could take all that pain inside me and squash it for you I would, but I can’t.  I really, truly would, but I can’t.”

Suddenly I stopped crying.  Tears dried up, pain gone.  What?  What did I just say??  “If I could take all that pain inside me and squash it for you I would.”  If only I could take it all on my shoulders, then it would be my problem, and I could fix this whole mess.  It would be my problem, and I’d be able to squash it – because I’m stronger than you and I’ve found a way out.  Then we could love each other without all this pain.  But I can’t do it.  That’s what I’ve been trying to do for so long, but I can’t do it anymore.  

It’s like Mom’s been bitten by this really poisonous snake, and I’ve been trying so hard to suck the poison out of the wound so she won’t die.  Trouble is, there’s too much poison and it’s making me sick, and the poison has already gone into her bloodstream.  She needs a doctor, but she’s gotten used to the poison in her system and she won’t go to the hospital.  She doesn’t think it’s that big of a deal.  So what do I do?  Sit here and watch her die?  It’s all I can do, and it sucks.  

And when everything settled down, I realised I didn't give a shit about a whole lot of stuff anymore.

Today I sat outside in the sun during lunch and watched the people go by.  There was a young man sitting nearby and I was struck by the fact that if I’d been sitting there like that a couple of weeks ago, I’d be thinking about how annoyed this guy must be to sit near me.  Surely there must be something about me that would annoy him if he happened to notice me.  Please don't notice me.  That's so sad and yukky.  But today, I sat, and he bobbed in and out of my landscape as I thought, ahhhh.  I haven’t a single bad intention, a single bad thought, a single bad anything in me right now.  There’s nothing to worry about.  And there’s no reason for anyone here to want me to go away.  And if they do, it’s not because of me.  It’s because of something going on with them.  And that’s okay.  People have problems.  Good days and bad days.  Nothing to do with me.  So I’m just going to sit here for another five minutes and be nothing but relaxed while I enjoy this spring sun.

I think I’m gonna pull through this.

Oh well, I'll go back and re-read, loosen the line a bit till it nibbles again then I'll give it a hard yank and reel it in and let you know what it was.

Maybe I’ll join you and drop in a line and we can chat while waiting for bites and looking for R’s double-rainbows.    R, Portia, do you guys have fishing poles?

(((((((HIG)))))))

Wildflower

[Anonymous]

Hi Wildflower    I'm doin' your trick and poppin' in while I'm supposed o be workin'. Gosh, I've got so much paperwork, I can't jump over it, so I'm takin' a quick break, haven't got too long, but bugger it, I'm spendin' it with you. Just made myself a half a cuppa too. Still no fags. Yippee.

My life was building up and I was feeling more and more human, and then pow – bad news from the mom front, and now I feel as though my life is being threatened, and I’m not sure whether I’m going to pull through or not.  Will I get sucked back in (and die) or will I find the strength to pull out of this?  

You'll find the strength, I'm sure of it, but so often it's 3 steps forward 2 steps back, isn't it. But in the end it still is solid progress    

The thing is, this isn’t just a spiritual battle.  This is making me physically ill, too.  And not just the panic attack I had a month ago.  In October, a month after an earlier really bad phone call with mom (just a 7 on the Richter scale in contrast to last month’s 9), I ended up going to the ER at 4AM because I was in so much pain and could barely lift my head off my pillow to roll over or sit up.  And I had a numb spot on my thigh that I’d noticed a few days before.  The ER doc sent me home with some pain killers and a referral to a neurologist.  The neurologist checked out okay, but of course, I was spooked.  Then I had some bleeding that I won’t go into here, but that was pretty damn scary, too.  Again, everything seemed to be normal at the doctor’s office.  So now, duh, I realize it was the stress.  And looking back, I see that the stress and pain and feelings I shove down seep out in physical ways.  Funny how, as a child, I was always getting sick.

The more you learn about worry and stress the more you learn about the adverse effects on our health. That's why in the end it's often not an option anymore to detach emotionally from certain people! It becomes essential if we are to survive. I remember way back when you first posted we talked about the effects on your health then. You've got to get yourself strong and watch the foods you eat, and yeah, get your sleep. Sleep and eating properly are usually the first to suffer when we're stressed. Funny how stress is signalled to us first by our vitals, huh.

Woops, can't finish at the moment, just got interrupted. Damn.

oops yes I can, they've gone away now  

Still, I can’t help thinking that all this trouble with mom has been given to me as a gift (is that too self-centered?).  A gift meant to help me understand what happened when I was little and helpless so that I can finally cut myself loose and kick out the demons.  And that’s why I’m trying so hard to take full advantage of this gift while it’s here.  Learn from it while I still can.

Don't ya hate common old cliche's, but the reason they become cliche's is that they are huge truths or paradigms packaged in very neat short sentences. But now on reading this I think of "pressure makes diamonds".
I don't think it's too self-centred, what you said. Because this place here seems to be the appropriate place to be self-centred. Otherwise we're just here being bums on seats, not getting anywhere or dealing with the issues that bought us here, so that we can solve our problems, and hopefully go back out into the big wide real world a bit healthier and more balanced each time. I sure know I didn't come here not to focus on my messed up self, and I have to be self-centred here to do that.    So come on everybody,  let's sit here and talk about me for a while. hahahahahahahahahaha.

It’s like Mom’s been bitten by this really poisonous snake, and I’ve been trying so hard to suck the poison out of the wound so she won’t die.  Trouble is, there’s too much poison and it’s making me sick, and the poison has already gone into her bloodstream.  She needs a doctor, but she’s gotten used to the poison in her system and she won’t go to the hospital.  She doesn’t think it’s that big of a deal.  So what do I do?  Sit here and watch her die?  It’s all I can do, and it sucks.  

Damn, another interruption and I was just warming up, and I'm still back in, 'I don't think I want to dance anymore' thread, trying to get that little fish back on the line. But briefly, I see how this can make you sick if you let it inside you. I've read about the effect of stress and abuse on the brain of children. Abused children. It's really quite scary. I know I have some of the effects, particularly in the memory and learning region. Also I've had to rectify some stomach problems. Gotta go, I'll be back asap.

((((HIG))))

CG

[Portia]

CG is busy so I might get a word in….

she’s gotten used to the poison in her system and she won’t go to the hospital. She doesn’t think it’s that big of a deal. So what do I do? Sit here and watch her die? It’s all I can do, and it sucks.

And look there’s Wildflower watching her mother die. Wildflower is so sad, feels so much pain, what can I do? Can I help WF? Or do I have to watch her from a distance and feel upset for her but cannot go and say “stop it, look, you’re dying too if you sit and watch your mother die”?

Hey Wildflower! There’s more to life! Come over here and join my picnic! Maybe if your mother sees you having fun with me, maybe we’ll get her curious about the life that’s out here? Maybe not, but I can’t just sit and watch you sitting and watching…and if you can’t join me WF? Oh that would make me sad…but I guess someone has to break the chain, and it may as well be me. I won't watch you watching your mother. I'll look away, towards life, I guess.

{Edit: CG you just bought the 4 agreements to the top again and I tell you every time I see them I go into panic: what have I done? Ha ha - I can't get the hang of 'nothing anyone does is because of you': I have the original sin, it's gotta be me that's been the bad girl! Sounds very N too. I'm getting a huge deja vu about all this....anyway, er, hope you didn't mind me butt-ski-ing in here? I got this picture of a big green field with WF sitting in it, watching her mom, then there's me watching her and then a long line of women all sitting but not looking at each other, one looking to another, to another, get the image? And thinking about my ending above, I guess an alternative is to go up to her and stare her in the eyes? Put myself in her line of vision? What would you do in the picture?}

[Wildflower]

Hi Portia,

Just a quickie for now.  In looking over my last post on this thread, I realized how many sad faces there were, and it’s true…sad stuff.  But I felt/feel calm and quiet.  Sad about mom.  Sad that I’m gonna have to throw in the towel.  But you know what?

Hey Wildflower! There’s more to life! Come over here and join my picnic!

I’m coming – and I’d love to join your picnic!!  Just kinda letting out a few last sighs I guess, but I’m breaking this chain!   That was an amazing image of a line of women all looking at each other from a distance but not really looking at each other.  So dead-on when you think about generations of women trying to break free.

Maybe if your mother sees you having fun with me, maybe we’ll get her curious about the life that’s out here?

I so hadn’t thought of it that way, so thanks a million!!   Maybe I can slip invitations under her door every now and then.  No hopes of reply, but if she feels like coming out, the more power to her.  And maybe a few pictures from the big world outside.  Have you ever seen Amelie?  I’m thinking of the gnome pictures she sent to her dad.  

I’m gonna answer your question from the other thread and then it’s back to the grindstone for me.

Be back later to talk to you and CG.  

(((((big hugs)))))

Wildflower

[rosencrantz]

Just thought I'd stretch my limbs a little, take a little wander around.  Hey - aren't you guys doing great things here!!!  I should think RG is feeling like a hig in clover seeing all this great work being done and new pastures being found, new perspectives.  Some beautiful things up there.

The gift, yes - maybe from a higher power, but maybe from the parent - even if they didn't realise what they were doing, what the gift was, even if they weren't capable of wrapping it up and actually handing it over.  Doesn't matter.  It's their gift to you.   All that sobbing, too -  it's so healthy!!! Getting rid of all the stuff that's been lying in wait to create health havoc.  Exhausting tho.

And isn't that brilliant, where you got to feeling OK to 'be', OK to just exist.. as a wildflower in/on the grass!!  

That’s what I’ve been trying to do for so long, but I can’t do it anymore.  

Amen to that!  

Makes note to self : R can't do it any more either!!  And that seems OK.  I'll leave her to live as much or as little life as she wants and put MY values up on a board somewhere and every time HER values pop up into my field of vision, I'll just remember my own  (eg I wouldn't expect to drag anyone else into my messes and I most definitely wouldn't want my child in there with me, no sirree!!  Also, the helping hand is not there to be bitten. And a few others on similar lines.)  

WF : Watching her??

I'm not going to watch mine die - that makes me her prisoner and a victim and it stops me living my life (Ha! I finally got that one under my belt then!).  I'm not sure if completely ignoring her is an option tho I'm sure in healthy families it must be (but healthy families probably wouldn't have to deal with that issue!)...

Portia : Not watching her?  What's the alternative?

OK - what about if we all look at (turn and smile at) each other instead of our mothers!!!  Each from our own corners ('work to do, lives to live').  I dunno - I'm getting an image of some kind of circle dance, clasping hands, turning, crossing, turning again. Hi again!  Perhaps that's what we're doing already...

Portia   (emoticon for 'the spotlight just zeroed in on you'!  )  Did you see what you wrote   (Just expressing a great wow of delight here!)

I guess an alternative is to go up to her and stare her in the eyes? Put myself in her line of vision?

Did you 'get it' when you wrote it???  
Did you wonder why you would want to do that - or did you know why???  

CG : I've received so much from you - support, ideas, humour.  And every time I try to reach you, I seem to miss, just minutely, but I miss. Maybe it's just me thinking I missed or feeling my thoughts just aren't good enough.  You make the worst moments seem so light-hearted, a great yarn.  If I didn't know (you) better, I'd say it was a gift, too.  But it's a gift that keeps so much hidden away.  You save other people from experiencing your pain, don't you.  Why is that?  Did you protect your mom from your pain???   I could listen to you all day.  But I'm not sure I should otherwise I'll just be a passenger.  Mind you, if you're the driver, I'm not quite sure what's left!!      Yeah, well.  I probably just 'missed' again - by a mile!  <Rueful smile>
R

[rosencrantz]

PS Hi Wildflower - I just noticed you posted while I was thinking and writing.  Perhaps my post has become irrelevant and inconsequential.  I 'hate it' when that happens.  'Feelings' pah - they make life sooo difficult.  But I won't be sad, mad or bad (or embarrassed).  I'll just try to 'let it be'.

Oh, botherate - it's my 'lot' to watch everyone else from a distance...more 'work'.
R

[Wildflower]

Hi Rosencrantz,

Glad you wandered over.    Me, I’m just sitting here in the fields Portia made, looking up at the sky.  Wanna have a sit?  Regain our strengths - facing each other?  I think I’m just as wiped out as you are!  

And isn't that brilliant, where you got to feeling OK to 'be', OK to just exist..  as a wildflower in/on the grass!!  

That was such a great observation!  I didn’t see it when I wrote, but how funny is that?  I’m living up to my online name, huh?

Makes note to self : R can't do it any more either!! And that seems OK. I'll leave her to live as much or as little life as she wants and put MY values up on a board somewhere and every time HER values pop up into my field of vision, I'll just remember my own.

Great!!!  Wahooooooo!!!  Wanna start a ‘can’t do it anymore’ club?

Hi Portia,

I can't get the hang of 'nothing anyone does is because of you': I have the original sin, it's gotta be me that's been the bad girl!

Me, too.  Leaving that agreement for last.  I have moments of remembering it’s not about me, but it’s so much easier to ask questions (don’t make assumptions) and get my words right (be impeccable).  Do you think maybe that’s because we were taught that it was our fault?  It was all about us when things were bad (not when things were good, of course….no, no )?

Hi CG,

The more you learn about worry and stress the more you learn about the adverse effects on our health. That's why in the end it's often not an option anymore to detach emotionally from certain people! It becomes essential if we are to survive.

That’s it, isn’t it?  This is about detaching emotionally, and no, it’s not an option anymore when health becomes an issue.  It’s not about saying, “See ya, hope it all works out, ma” – unless I can’t be around her and stay detached.  Boy is this detaching hard, though, and I want to thank RG for putting up this board and everyone else here for allowing me to do that here - out loud.

Don't ya hate common old cliche's, but the reason they become cliche's is that they are huge truths or paradigms packaged in very neat short sentences.

Honest?  I love clichés because of that.  To me, they reinforce the idea that there are some things we all share as humans.   When you don't understand a cliche and it's used to answer (silence) questions, that’s when clichés are annoying.  You simply can’t ‘get’ a cliché until you ‘get’ all those truths or paradigms packed into them.  Reminds me of your teacher stories (do you think she’s still wearing those outfits?).

Because this place here seems to be the appropriate place to be self-centred. Otherwise we're just here being bums on seats, not getting anywhere or dealing with the issues that bought us here, so that we can solve our problems, and hopefully go back out into the big wide real world a bit healthier and more balanced each time. I sure know I didn't come here not to focus on my messed up self, and I have to be self-centred here to do that.  So come on everybody, let's sit here and talk about me for a while. hahahahahahahahahaha.

I’m sittiin’….go ahead .

(((((three big HIGS for three big voices)))))
Wildflower

[rosencrantz]

Sure, I'm 'in' for the picnic - please!  Are we still going fishin?  I've got my fishing net here for catching sticklebacks and a jamjar to put them in.  Shall I bring the wine?  I've got an amazing white Zinfandel that's actually pink! And it's already plenty cold enough to drink right now.  And look, I've been stocking up - a bottle EACH!!!  It's just sooo drinkable!

Ratty and Mole and Badger and Otter just messing along the river.  

Up tails all!
R

PS Does Wind in the Willows cross cultures???

[Anonymous]

HI guys, I've got my pole out and nearly ready to join ya'.

Peekin' in gettin' a break from too much work I've let pile up. Nearly finished thank goodness, only a few more days to go. Promised myself I would finish the backlog before I went back to indulging myself here. My self-control is being challeneged though. I find myself dying to peek in.

Had friends over for a huge dinner a ouple of nights ago, 'cause I felt like cookin' up a storm. It was magnifico'. But halfway through the cat ran away, when one of the guests left the door open. Had to keep a brave face throughout the dinner, and my poor kids were so distressed. After everyone left I printed off 20 huge posters offering a reward and printed a whole bunch of handouts. Next morning, early, we door knocked every house for 3 blocks, with these handouts. I didn't have a photo. Finished all that, went home, burnt a candle for Tom, knowing he would have had the scariest night of his life, and prayed to the cat spirits to protect him, dog spirits to leave him alone, car spirits to miss him (images of roadkill loomed large in my brain cause he's never been outside before). Then 2o hours later we hear meow outside the bathroom window. We all flew to the back door and opened it and he flew inside.

I think he was off shaggin' cause he's been howling at the back door ever since he got home.  He doesn't realise we had his 'currency' removed, although he's still got the purse they came in.

So I'm back!!!! Sorry I've missed a bit, and will catch up. I had to post though because I know if it were one of you guys, Wildflower, Rosencrantz or Portia, I'd probably be racked with anxiety and guilt, immediately going to "Oh, I hope it wasn't something I said". So this post is really to say if anyone has gone there, the answer is "No, absolutely not". And if you haven't gone there, good, it's just my inflated N ego assuming a level of importance I really don't have. DAMN and double damn. !!!!!!!!!!   HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

It's just been a really hectic time, alone doing yukky isolated boolwork, and to top it off I've found a couple of funny transcations on an Amex statement, and I've discoverd I've got a couple of big important receipts missing, blaah blaah blaah blaaah blaah!!!! That's what happens when you let it go, and don't keep on top of it though.

So, anyway, I'm nearly there, and I'll be back   .

CG

[rosencrantz]

And if you haven't gone there, good, it's just my inflated N ego assuming a level of importance I really don't have. DAMN and double damn. !!!!!!!!!!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  

Love it!  And guess how I felt, when I slunk over here to say 'sorry not contributing but I'll be back' and then LATER discovered I'd written right after you've put out your ad!!  Groan - I felt soooo stoopid.  What if they thought....oh, I sound so self-important...etc.

But I learnt summat!

Intention is all!!!!!

I may often feel frightened about something I've written, or teeter on the brink of shame, but it's how you guys respond that makes me feel OK.

Now, that's not right (in my mind) to depend so much on how others perceive me as to whether or not I feel OK about myself.

So the word integrity pops into my mind.  If I INTEND something then that's what matters most.  And it doesn't matter how someone else takes it or the context I end up in.  

The context changes all the time here on this forum - posts get added here, there, everywhere - but my intention and the context in which I INTENDED my post to arrive is 'here' inside me at the time I 'intended' it. And that doesn't change.

I guess it's linked to that 'I define me and not somebody else's distorted lens'.  Somebody else's lens may be distorted (like my mother) and that's a mental health issue!!  But other people's lenses may have been 'distorted' (ie changed, not really 'distorted' like my mother) by circumstances, different priorities, different VALUES!, different information that I don't have access to, and thus they may  misunderstand my intention.

But I don't have to be paranoid about it!!!!!!!

If they tell me what they think then I get a chance to 'put them right', let them know what my intention was.  Healthy, mature people will accept the different perspective, different CONTEXT.  Others may not be able to.  But I can still be strong in my INTENTION!!!  (Mother, this is where youre mental health issue had damaged me!)

If they don't tell me what they think but start to act funny about it or towards me, then I can still be strong in my INTENTION and I can find some way of finding out what they are thinking or knowing that has led them to 'act funny'.

You know, I think I did used to do that but people would act even more funny towards me and I'd end up so distressed inside I just couldn't 'cope'.  But now I know about the distorted lens, I won't (?) get that kind of distress and I'll be able to understand that they are feeling 'under the microscope' and trying to get me away from them.

I have been so stoopid to think that the rest of the world understands themselves and WANTS to talk to me about what's really 'going on' underneath.   Really, really stoopid.

Thanks to you guys for talking to me!!!!!
R

[Portia]

Good day to you Lady Muskateers! R, just picked up your ref to:

Portia  (emoticon for 'the spotlight just zeroed in on you'! ) Did you see what you wrote   (Just expressing a great wow of delight here!)
Quote: I guess an alternative is to go up to her and stare her in the eyes? Put myself in her line of vision?
Did you 'get it' when you wrote it???
Did you wonder why you would want to do that - or did you know why???

Ummmm! I was going to get in Wildflower's line of vision and stare in her eyes...is that what you thought I meant?

[Wildflower]

Hi CG,

Poor Tom!!    I’m so glad he found his way back home (after his oat sowing adventures). Hmmm.  Maybe not poor Tom.    Poor kids!!  In any case, whew!  

Good luck getting through those mounds o’ paperwork.

Hi R,

I may often feel frightened about something I've written, or teeter on the brink of shame, but it's how you guys respond that makes me feel OK.

Now, that's not right (in my mind) to depend so much on how others perceive me as to whether or not I feel OK about myself.

So the word integrity pops into my mind. If I INTEND something then that's what matters most. And it doesn't matter how someone else takes it or the context I end up in.

This reminds me of an issue I’ve been struggling to get under my belt for a little while.  Maybe it’s related to what you’re saying?  Not sure.

It’s so true that you can’t control how others will interpret your writings, so yes, yes, yes, it’s important to be able feel OK about your actions.  Sometimes it’s a matter of having a chance to explain yourself if someone misunderstands you, but sometimes it’s a matter of doing things that make you feel comfortable.

I used to do many things that made me feel uncomfortable (bad habits I’d gotten into, ways of interacting with my parent extending out into the rest of the world), but I’ve learned/am learning to identify those actions so that I can have a little more control over how a situation will make me feel.  This allows me to say, “Well, I did that because that’s who I am and I was being the best person I could be in that situation.  If I goofed, I know that I’ll be able to honestly say that I did the best I could – and then apologize.  And learn.”  Whap.  Anxiety gone.  I can make mistakes, but it helps if I don’t walk into things that immediately make me uncomfortable.  Like losing my patience at the office, or being late, or….

Part being impeccable, part being your best.

And yes, we read Wind and the Willows over here in the US.  It happens that I didn’t (I was busy reading everything I could get my hands on by Madeleine L’Engle), but I intend to read it some day.  

Hi Portia,

In terms of rescuing this mother-watcher, I probably would have snapped out of it eventually, but you reminded me that in watching her, I was risking getting sick again instead of healing.  I was planning to allow myself to grieve a little bit over ‘losing’ her, but I can do that elsewhere - in life.  So thanks for pointing that out.  I heard and saw you.  

Off to work….

Wildflower