healing

[Anonymous]

Hi Wildflower I'm back and have got time to talk and I fear I'm gonna ask you some real dumb annoying questions as I go.

But she was fighting desperately for her OWN independence by rebelling everything her mother said/did/required – and it was that ‘independence’ that I was allowed.  Not my own.

Gosh that's insightful of you! But also damn bloody annoying mix for you to have had to deal with! I'm trying to think of any other reasons!! Control? Fear? Jealousy? Resentment at being hogtied? Simplicity? (Because it would have been simpler if you were just like her) Just checking   I'll leave it there.

No, hang on. Who said to you the other day, what was it? Someone, (had to be Rosencrantz or Portia) said for you to say something like, "And mom, while you're in your next crisis I'll time my breakdown to coincide."

Then it was asked whether she lays this crap on everyone, or is special treatment just for you, to get you focussing on her. Like when you were a kid you learned quickly every single detail of her likes and dislikes. You must have known her every mood just as well. One look for watching a TV show she disapproved of could speak a thousand words to you.

And I just have such hard time seeing your mom fighting for her independance!!  I'm sure you're right, maybe she wore herself out in that area.

But … that’s it.  I mean, so much of what my mom did could have made sense if there had been enough positive reinforcement to balance it out.  And if I hadn’t continuously been set up for failure?  I was never really guided, but boy did I hear about it if I was doing something – anything - wrong.

I wonder what or why she was criticising really you? I wonder who or what you represented to her?

She could have watched me and learned from me, but instead, she silenced me.

Maybe she's afraid of the truth! You represent the truth about her to her.

You represent the truth about her personality, her life, her choices she's made, and in the end her inadequacies. If she could only see how proud she should be that inspite of her best efforts to suppress and silence and control you, you've blossomed into a beautiful, loving, giving, friendly, helpful, caring soul. And that the way you are going, you're going to have a very happy life.

Why? Because you know something that she doesn't know. You know that you cannot find peace by avoiding life. And another difference is that you make an effort to enable everyday life, and fill it with a sense of your soul. Thanks for that Wildlfower, and if you can't see that, that's okay, it's still true.

And she pushed me away because she couldn’t deal with the responsibility of really taking care of a child.  This reinforced the monster message, because it said to me that I was so bad, even my own mother couldn’t bear to spend time with me.    

How she managed to project her own image into and onto you has got me beat!!!! I don't know how the hell she did, but I KNOW, DAMN IT, that that's what she did to you. DAMN IT!! Can anyone explain this to me?????

And I see now that I probably never would have been able to challenge this deep down belief if I hadn’t pushed myself out into the world in spite of some almost paralyzing fears of what I might discover about myself.  At first, I did get a lot of negative feedback, because I was so angry and hurt and defensive.  Wounded.  But I learned, over time, to change the way I interacted with people – first by watching how others interacted and trying to understand why I didn’t, and then by refining my interactions with the help of a therapist.  I never would have guessed that, in doing all this, I would have found myself.  Again.  And knowing who I am – or at least, knowing more about who I am - has given me the courage and the strength to finally face this poisonous belief – and squash it.  

Back to the image I have of you. You embraced life, and made changes to enable and enrich your everyday life. You didn't try to avoid this personal responsibility we all have. To make the world, our corner of the world a better place for you and for me...

Let's all sing together,  We are the world, we are the children.......dah de dah du dum, so let's start livin', Hey, come on, I can't see your lips moving.     Ah, I can never remember the words.
 

knowing, finally, after all this time, that I DIDN’T DESERVE IT.  I AM NOT A MONSTER.

You most certainly are not, and never ever was. I hope the word monster recedes in your mind, and that you find new beautiful words replace it. Like warm, kindhearted, loyal, funny, catlover, goodlistener, generous, clutter/fridgemagnetfree, clean benchtoppped, Tom Petty fan kinda person, with a stomping cat named Astro who loves travel.

(((((HUG HUG))))) and love

CG

[Anonymous]

Back again Wildflower, I loved reading this post.

And I should be proud to express myself – through clothing

.  Gee I laughed when I read this. I'm really into attitude T-Shirts.
Friends give them to me sometimes. And I've got a poor old David Bowie t-shirt that I've had for about 25 years. It's been washed 10 million times and has holes and is paper thin, but I can't part with it. When it finally dies I'm gong to have wake for it.

But I love those attitude T-Shirts. You know the ones that if you haven't got the guts to say it, you wear it. Friends have tuned into this outrageously and buy them for me cause they know I'll wear it. I've got some beauties!!!

A black one with huge white lettering "Warning, this body contains, adult themes, nudity an strong language,"  

or then there's  brown one in large letters" I'm a virgin" then underneath in small letters "this is a very old T-shirt."  

Or the white one with the Nike tick turned upside down and the black words "Just did it". Ha ha ha ha,    oops, nearly choked on my apple then.  

Then there's my lovely feminine Barbie one with Barbie at mini-skirt best that reads, "Barbie is a slut." That one didn't go down well at the P&C meeting, I can tell you.   Aaah, I love them.

Oh yes, and my all time favourite, the blue one, (blue's my favourite colour, then yellow, purple, green, more blue, turquoise, yellow again, then blue.) The blue one says, "Here, hold my beer while I snog your boyfriend." Loveit. Loveit Loveit.

It’s still really hard, though.  I still feel like I’m not cool enough to pull off some of the clothing I kind of want to wear.  I don’t know if this helps.  I’m really just responding to your comment about not feeling like you’re worth spending that kind of money on.

I guess I've given up on that one at the moment. But hey, I'm saving heaps of money!!

It was a virgin moment. I was extremely anxious, clumsy and messy. But I was damned effective. My children may have witnessed her insanity and cruelty for abrief moment in their lives, but with me protecting them from her I don't think it has caused any lasting damage. I know they learned something about me then. And I gained some of my power back. There was a shift.

This must have been such a difficult, strange and exhilarating time for you.  Were you married at that time, or did you have to do all the moving and detaching on your own?

No, I wasn't on my own, but I may as well have been. It was scarey, and over time I've realised it was instinctive, rather than calculated. Funny how had her evil been directed towards me, I don't think I would have noticed for weeks. The way my thoughts, feeling and emotions suffer jet lag and and an enormous time difference. But when evil or harm is directed towards others close me to I'm right onto it, and I don't panic or lose my cool. I'm a totally Cool Hand Luke in a crisis. It's something I've got a bit of a reputation for. At work also, when everyone else is in a flying panic, I'm completely able to think and stay totally cool.

I think it's because of a form of disassociation and depersonalisation.      My emotions switch off when I'm threatened or scared, and something else takes over, "How we gonna get out of this huh" and I'm operating in an out of body way. I'm in the third person. It's not me, It's just a part of me. A therapist I had once said it was connected to PTSD. You know how in the movies, you'll see a scene of abattle situation. The new recruits are all ducking and hiding, but the seasoned soldiers and CO are wandering around, making plans, talking, ducking occasionally and lighting a fag. That's me. But hell, it's only useful if you're always in combat, and then you can still get your head blown off, and I don't want to always be in combat. I'd probably make a good ambulance driver except I can't stand the sight of blood.

Story. 20 years ago when my neice was only about 8 months old, I was visiting her house for a family get-together. Her mother came running out with her from the bedroom holding her. The poor baby was purple-faced, not breathing, choking. It took everyone by surprise and everyone froze, and don't ask how or why but I casually, I mean casually took her off her screaming mother and put my mouth over her nouth and nose and sucked for all I was worth. Something dislodged and flew into my mouth, which I just swallowed. I've got a really weak stomach and I didn't want to know what it was, but then she started breathing. We think it was a button off her jacket.

Then another time I just ran out in front of a car to grab another friends little boy, and held my arm up for the car to stop, while I scooped him up and off the road just in the nick of time before we both got run over. He just ran out onto the road for no reason when we were shopping. He was only about 2 then. I could go on, I've got quite a few of these rescue stories where I just go into some instinctive rescue mode when everyone else panic.  

Yeah sure, and while I'm at it, why don't I go buy myself a bucket of death adders to keep me warm in bed tonight, you useless peice of ...."

      Tell me you said that at some point because it’s hilarious.  

I think I proabably would have, maybe worse. Fastest mouth in the west I have at times, but only when pushed.

I got similar reactions if the subject of my dad came up after he told me he’d spent all his money (on a third story to his second home among other things) so he couldn’t continue to pay for my college tuition.  I was working as a summer intern at a bank when this typically aggressive banker type guy overheard me talking to one of the other secretaries about visiting my dad that weekend.  I think I said something like “I’d rather burn in H***.”  (These were my difficult years, mind you   ).  Well, he comes over and starts giving me a lecture about the importance of family and how his father and his sister stopped talking for years and years over some tiny little insignificant thing, so I should be careful not to do that and blah blah blah.  I was so angry my eyes started tearing up and I came really close to punching him.  Reeeally close.

 What a supercilious, arrogant, loves the sound of his own voice, show-off disguised as well meaning, useless peice of dog-turd. Oh, I sincerely apologise to all dog-turds everywhere, as dog-turd is definitely not useless, my peach trees love it.

Hunh.  Hadn’t intended to go on that tirade.      Anyway, the conversation between you and Mrs Couldn't Give A Stuff is talked about quite a bit in the book R recommended that I’m reading right now: When You and Your Mother Can’t Be Friends.  The third chapter, “The Bad Mommy Taboo”, is all about how abusive mothers are protected by so many mechanisms in society – to the point where the needs/protection of the abused child are ignored in order to protect the sanctity of motherhood

. I'm gonna buy that book. You've got me interested.

From where I sit, reading your stories, I think your mother belongs in jail or in a mental ward for the criminally insane.    I’m not kidding.  The fact that she hasn’t been arrested for assault (setting someone on fire??) is astounding to me.  Although I guess it’d be too embarrassing for a guy to go into a police station and explain how he got burned like that?  

Poor guy lost I don't know how many layers of skin. She made a potion of stuff that they used on farms to burn warts off. Gosh it was awful. I sometimes wonder if the hair ever grew back or if he ever told anybody.

Was John the only one who ever stood up for you?  Where were you when her other boyfriends were around (when she wasn’t having sex with them – I know where you were then, and yes, that has to be a form of sexual abuse )?

There were other occasional people, one brief boyfriend she had made me a jewellery box and gave me my first and only push-bike at about 10 years of age. But no intervention and most others didn't bother or were ineffective against her charm and cunning. She was absent so much, a wild party girl running with so many groups, crooks, gamblers, casino's etc. My mother loved having connections. She was very loose and a very vivacious attractive one. Never without a date, ever. And would dance till dawn every night of the week.

She looked so much like Elizabeth Taylor, and people would tell her that all the time. And so she dresed like her and wore her hair like her and changed her first name legally to Elizabth. And she's had more men than her, way more. And at home living with her was like living with Taylor  in 'Who's afraid of Virginia Woolf'  I spent so much time alone as a child and then finally I left after I found out my father had died. Gee that's alot of stuff I've said, isn't it. You probably need to stretch your legs now, I know I do. That'll learn teach you for asking me questions, won't it?

Thanks for reading Wildflower, and I will get that book when I do my next order from amazon. I'm amazed at the used book prices there. Have you ever bought any of there used ones? If so, what was the quality like?

Wow, I really have to go, I'm realising I've still got so much more work to do, and I've really enjoyed talking with you again.

((hug))

CG

[Anonymous]

Hi Wildflower,

OMG, this is my 4th post in a row so I'm a bit embarrased.    Nah, not really, what the hell!!    

I've told you so much about my poor old mother and how she treated me and other people in her life, haven't I. And mostly I'm getting there in terms of putting her to rest in my head. R.I.P mother. But I was thinking you may be interested to know a bit about her background. What it was that went into making her the monster that she became.

As I said in a previous post, I can't afford to feel sympathy for her anymore, because somehow my resolve weakens and I let her back in. But I don't fear that happening here, so I'll tell you some of what I know.
I've had a lot to do with one of her sisters so it all pretty much gels from everyones version.
 
My mother was born somewhere in the middle of 6 or 7 brothers and sisters and as I've said was very pretty, even as a child. And somehow she had a ruthless creative prankster streak even then. Her sister and even she (mother brags about them herself) have told me some pretty cruel and mean things she did to her brothers and sisters even at ages 5 & 6. Her father was an alcoholic and one time to get money for beer he sold his kids pet dog. Her mother had all these kids and not much money, so the kids did without a lot of things, like shop bought items, but because they had a farm they were self-sufficient during the depression.

One day when she was about 9 or 10 walking the 2 or 3 mile journey home from school with her 2 older sisters an old guy invited them into his cabin for some lollies. He lived alone in a worker's cottage by the side of the road in the farming community they lived in. They'd been warned to stay away from him, and also had been warned and were told he was a dirty old man. Her mother used to drag them all off to Sunday School and Church every Sunday, rain, hail or snow.

Her sister's refused to go in and told her not to, but she argued with them, told them basically to bugger off, she didn't care if she did get into trouble, and in she went, into the old guys cabin. They ran home and told their mother what she'd done. Her mother didn't go and get her, she had babies and work and animals and had to wait till my mother finally got home. When she got home much much later she was interrogated and inspected against her will. Her mother believed she had done something 'dirty' with the old man for some lollies. She denied she had, but her mother, and her by then home and furious drunken father didn't believe her.

They packed her up and sent her to live in a Methodist home for pregnant and 'naughty girls' where she had to stay till she was old enough to be signed out by a family member, who happened to be one of her older sisters. One of the one's who'd told their mother on her all those years before. She was 18 by then and completely full of hate and never had forgiven her sisters for telling on her. She always said they told on her because they were jealous because she was prettier than them.

She can and could never grasp that they were only kids themselves and scared. After she got out of the home she went to live with that older sister who was now married to an accountant, and living a very conventional happy life. In exchange for free rent and food she was supposed to look after her older sister's young baby daughter while her sisiter and brother-in-law worked. Mother said her sister only signed her out to get a free babysitter. She wasn't living there long before she set about being extremely cruel to their baby when they were at work. So they kicked her out. The rest of her family wanted nothing to do with her at all by this stage so she became a dancer and card dealer in casino, and a wild girl about town. I was born 2 years later, when she was 20. And the rest, as they say, is history.

I grew up on a heavy diet her 'poor me' stories. Her sister, my aunty is a really good mother and a very loving understanding aunty to me. I didn't meet her till after I'd left home. But one thing I promised myself, I'd never fill my kids heads with my horror stories, and I haven't. And I'd never excuse my behaviour towards my children with anything from my childhood experience and I haven't. So I think that's good.    Tricky stuff this parenting business!

I thought you might find the background interesting because I've talked about her with you so much. But you know, it always broke my heart when she told me stories about missing her brothers and her life in the home, and having xmas, and birthdays in the home with no presents. I think I used to spoil her for a while when I got older, till I had a family. I bet her wrapping paper trick, she learned that in the home. See, I can understand her, and start to feel sorry for her so quickly. That's why I don't go there anymore. It's like, "Hmmm, who shall I blame next, her mother and father?"

No, I think I'll stop looking for someone to blame, and put it all in the context of the theatre of the absurd, and just take responsibility for and work on my shit. Then maybe I can do everything I need  to make sure the rot stops here with me.  What do you reckon??

((hug))

CG

[Anonymous]

Hi Wildflower,

OMG, this is my 4th post in a row so I'm a bit embarrased.    Nah, not really, what the hell!!    

I've told you so much about my poor old mother and how she treated me and other people in her life, haven't I. And mostly I'm getting there in terms of putting her to rest in my head. R.I.P mother. But I was thinking you may be interested to know a bit about her background. What it was that went into making her the monster that she became.

As I said in a previous post, I can't afford to feel sympathy for her anymore, because somehow my resolve weakens and I let her back in. But I don't fear that happening here, so I'll tell you some of what I know.
I've had a lot to do with one of her sisters so it all pretty much gels from everyones version.
 
My mother was born somewhere in the middle of 6 or 7 brothers and sisters and as I've said was very pretty, even as a child. And somehow she had a ruthless creative prankster streak even then. Her sister and even she (mother brags about them herself) have told me some pretty cruel and mean things she did to her brothers and sisters even at ages 5 & 6. Her father was an alcoholic and one time to get money for beer he sold his kids pet dog. Her mother had all these kids and not much money, so the kids did without a lot of things, like shop bought items, but because they had a farm they were self-sufficient during the depression.

One day when she was about 9 or 10 walking the 2 or 3 mile journey home from school with her 2 older sisters an old guy invited them into his cabin for some lollies. He lived alone in a worker's cottage by the side of the road in the farming community they lived in. They'd been warned to stay away from him, and also had been warned and were told he was a dirty old man. Her mother used to drag them all off to Sunday School and Church every Sunday, rain, hail or snow.

Her sister's refused to go in and told her not to, but she argued with them, told them basically to bugger off, she didn't care if she did get into trouble, and in she went, into the old guys cabin. They ran home and told their mother what she'd done. Her mother didn't go and get her, she had babies and work and animals and had to wait till my mother finally got home. When she got home much much later she was interrogated and inspected against her will. Her mother believed she had done something 'dirty' with the old man for some lollies. She denied she had, but her mother, and her by then home and furious drunken father didn't believe her.

They packed her up and sent her to live in a Methodist home for pregnant and 'naughty girls' where she had to stay till she was old enough to be signed out by a family member, who happened to be one of her older sisters. One of the one's who'd told their mother on her all those years before. She was 18 by then and completely full of hate and never had forgiven her sisters for telling on her. She always said they told on her because they were jealous because she was prettier than them.

She can and could never grasp that they were only kids themselves and scared. After she got out of the home she went to live with that older sister who was now married to an accountant, and living a very conventional happy life. In exchange for free rent and food she was supposed to look after her older sister's young baby daughter while her sisiter and brother-in-law worked. Mother said her sister only signed her out to get a free babysitter. She wasn't living there long before she set about being extremely cruel to their baby when they were at work. So they kicked her out. The rest of her family wanted nothing to do with her at all by this stage so she became a dancer and card dealer in casino, and a wild girl about town. I was born 2 years later, when she was 20. And the rest, as they say, is history.

I grew up on a heavy diet her 'poor me' stories. Her sister, my aunty is a really good mother and a very loving understanding aunty to me. I didn't meet her till after I'd left home. But one thing I promised myself, I'd never fill my kids heads with my horror stories, and I haven't. And I'd never excuse my behaviour towards my children with anything from my childhood experience and I haven't. So I think that's good.    Tricky stuff this parenting business!

I thought you might find the background interesting because I've talked about her with you so much. But you know, it always broke my heart when she told me stories about missing her brothers and her life in the home, and having xmas, and birthdays in the home with no presents. I think I used to spoil her for a while when I got older, till I had a family. I bet her wrapping paper trick, she learned that in the home. See, I can understand her, and start to feel sorry for her so quickly. That's why I don't go there anymore. It's like, "Hmmm, who shall I blame next, her mother and father?"

No, I think I'll stop looking for someone to blame, and put it all in the context of the theatre of the absurd, and just take responsibility for and work on my shit. Then maybe I can do everything I need  to make sure the rot stops here with me.  What do you reckon??

((hug))

CG

[Wildflower]

Hi CG,

And I just have such hard time seeing your mom fighting for her independance!!

If you haven’t seen this movie you probably shouldn’t, but if you want to get a sense of who my mother was rebelling, think Joan Crawford in "Mommy Dearest".  Complete with tantrums – though I don’t think she ever beat my mom with wire hangers.  She was that controlling and invasive – and that much of a clean freak.  

For me to clean up or go anywhere near my mother’s ‘territory’ was an invasion.  And somewhere along the line, she made the connection between her mom and my dad – and at various points in my life, I reminded her of Dad, Grandmom, or herself depending on the situation.  While she fought against Dad and Grandmom (against me) for independence, she was identifying with me (receiving support from me) as I struggle through life - but she didn't have any answers for me so she let me drift.  

So by controlling me, by silencing me, she was able to keep her own life under control.  And by leaving me to my own devices, she was "ending the cycle".  What a strange and confusing mix of signals, hunh?   I'm gonna leave you all alone when I can't deal with it, and if you remind me of my mother or your father, I'm gonna beat you down so I don't get hurt.  That’s my current understanding in any case.  Probably need to do some more tinkering with these theories, though.

Combine this with this very interesting paragraph from When You Can’t Be Friends:

But even if the mother is altogether “bad” and the child can’t avoid that conclusion, she explains it to herself by believing she is a bad girl and deserves her mother’s anger and rejection.  At the same time, the child, in her normal, egocentric way, believes that her anger has the power to annihilate.  And so the child guards against her own bad feelings, because she doesn’t want to hurt Mommy.  Either way, the child has “caused” her mommy to be “bad.”

and I think we have the missing piece to how I ‘lost’ myself around her.  I'm not saying she was altogether "bad", but Secunda goes on to explain how, without enough positive reinforcement to help the child learn to resolve the "good" and "bad" mommies, she internalizes the Bad Mommy.  I think.

Anyway....

They packed her up and sent her to live in a Methodist home for pregnant and 'naughty girls' where she had to stay till she was old enough to be signed out by a family member, who happened to be one of her older sisters. One of the one's who'd told their mother on her all those years before. She was 18 by then and completely full of hate and never had forgiven her sisters for telling on her. She always said they told on her because they were jealous because she was prettier than them.

Wow, CG, this seems to go a long way to explaining the Why’s, don’t you think?  So she parked you in front of the orphanage just like she had been?   Only she was really left there.  I’m not suggesting you should empathize with her, but it does begin to explain her need for revenge.  And it explains something else that you hinted at with the wrapping –   she wasn’t really that creative.   Heck, she even modeled her life and hair and everything after a movie star.  Even changed her name.  She may have been cold and cruel enough to play those awful tricks, but as R so wisely pointed out, she was stupidly cruel.  And she didn't have the guts to be herself instead of stealing the identity of a movie star.  Maybe even the cat story could be traced down to some story she read (but acted on!!     ).

So they kicked her out. The rest of her family wanted nothing to do with her at all by this stage so she became a dancer and card dealer in casino, and a wild girl about town. I was born 2 years later, when she was 20. And the rest, as they say, is history.

Again, this really paints so much more of a clear picture in terms of why she was so sexually active – especially in front of you.  Not that it was excusable, no way.  But I’m wondering what it must have been like to be there through all of that – a child living with a woman like that.  A child trying to negotiate the world she created for herself.  

On my way to work this morning, it occurred to me that it must have been so shocking to hear those stories – coming from your mother.  When it’s a movie, we suspend disbelief, and when it's over we shake it off or say wow wasn't that a scary story.   But here you were listening to the woman who was supposed to take care of you, and she was telling you horror stories.  Real horror stories.  Did you want to run but had to stay there and listen?  Seems to me a fantastic reason to learn to disassociate – if fight or flight aren’t options, switch off the emotions.

I guess what I’m getting at is that you’re right.  You can’t feel sorry for her, but maybe you can look at what happened in your story from the outside.  Imagine another little girl in your place struggling to cope with all the hard things you had to cope with.  The bit about being a child of the Depression – maybe even that’s a good, safe, objective place to start.  My grandmother was also a child of the Depression – and I think her father was an alcoholic, too.  Maybe NPD is a historical/cultural phenomenon.  A cycle that’s been going on since a very traumatic time in history – one we’re only beginning to heal from.  

Maybe I’m babbling at this point, but if you can, I think it might really help to be able to reconstruct your story – YOUR story.  Not stories about the awful things she did (though those are important to understanding what happened), but the story of your survival – what you had to do to get here, today, with your children, your husband, and us.  

You are an amazing survival story, CG.   How you managed to come out so strong and caring and kind in the face of all tha tyucky stuff is a mystery to me.  But I'm so glad you did.

Well, it’s time for me to go recharge my batteries out in the world for a little while.  See how it feels to wander without the monster monkey.   I’ll be here, though.  Just probably won’t be able to respond as often.

((((BIG HUG THAT SQUISHES OUT ALL THE BAD STUFF))))    

Wildflower

[Anonymous]

Hi Wildflower,

I can't believe you responded after all those posts of mine.
And how that last one got postd twice      don't know how I managed that??
I feel so    like I've become another monkey on your back.
Go out there into the big wide world. Be FREEEEEEEEE.    
Like your motto says. there are a million ways to be FREEEEEEEE!!!  
Be free here to post wherever you want. You're FREEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
And I want you to be free of me too, cause I luv ya'      

Hey, maybe we should  run an ad here

Positions vacant.

Wanted. Some really cool listener, carer and sharer who will give Wildflower a break from this 'healing' thread, and take over listening to CG's crap. Feeble minded need not apply! HAHA HA HA HA HA.      

I hope you get the joke and don't feel insulted, but, my gosh woman, you are so DAMNED DAMNED DAMNED WONDERFUL      

Nah, anyway, in the fist place, no-one would want the job,    I sure know I bloody wouldn't!
And in the second place, you're so unique, I'd be firing everybody who followed you cause now you've spoilt me and my standards would be too high and unrealistic, and I'd always be making unfavourable comparisons. Nobody would be able to live up to you or fill your shoes.

So I guess we'll have to delete the position.   Oh well!!    looks like I'm gonna have to be responsible for myself, Damn        Aaah, I love a challenge!

You should be out there mixing it and sharing it the big wide world, and on this board, you've got so much life and love to enjoy and live and share.

And can I tell you something else, I've had a strange realisation creeping over me the past couple of weeks. I've been looking at people out there with different eyes. I've been thinking when I'm out there, in the big wide world, "hey there are nice people out here, people who once I get to know them, I find I like them!"

There are people who do care and who have warm hearts even, and they've had crap to deal with too. People just like me, who, given the opportunity, would be really nice to get to know. People like you Wildflower. And Rosencrantz, Portia, bunny, Write, Lynn, Dawning, Nikole, Lizbeth, and  Nic and whoever else posts here."

I'm on the lookout now for these types of people. It's a bit like pickin' fly shit out of pepper, may take a while, but oh well  

So I get what you say about getting out in the world, and trying the new experience of experiencing life and the world with NOTHIN' on your back. Go Baby!!!

Thanks for walking this part of the way with me Wildflower, and I so look forward to future chats with you here. But don't you dare allow me to drain you, or ever feel 'obligated' that you 'have to' reply to me. YUK!    I'd hate that!!       You've had enough of that in your life, and so have I. Please Be FREEEEEEE!!!!

Get those fish, party, mix with who you want to, mingle, ignore who you want to, express through dress, yeah!!!

And I'm definitely buying that book. That part you quoted about internalizing the bad mummy was a bit freaky and definitely not something I think I want to ignore or overlook.

Yep, your not the first one who's mentioned me focussing on 'My Story'. GUILTY.  

And I was going to ask you what style of clothes would express you, but I feel it might just be hooking you in to another round. So I'll say this, having come to appreciate your style the way I have, I bet you would look FANTASTIC and it would be beautiful. So go on, do it!

Love ((hug)) and meow to Astor

CG

[Wildflower]

Thanks so much for the cheering, CG .  And I’m so, so happy for you that you’re seeing people with new eyes .

But please don’t put up a help wanted sign, okay?  I gotta go look for some more flowers amidst all this concrete, but I’m here, okay?  I just wanted you to know that so that you wouldn’t feel it was anything you’d said if you didn’t hear from me during my usual night-owl hours.  So keep writing!  Keep telling your stories and asking questions! Keep up the amazing work you've been doing!      

Definitely get the book though.  It’s really good.  And I’ll be reading it, too .

Love and hugs,
Wildflower

[Wildflower]

You know, I just had a thought.  Put up a help wanted sign - because you DESERVE all the kindness and support you need.  You've had it rough, CG, but as you said in an earlier post, you're made of tough stuff.  Nice to have people here to find the not-so-tough stuff, isn't it?    

Just don't take my position down, cos I'm still here.

((((CG))))
Wildflower

[rosencrantz]

I'm really sorry I haven't been reading for a while, guys.  I just haven't got the emotional energy just now.  I know you'll understand.  Just as long as you don't think I can't be bothered!!  I'll be back!!!
S/R

[Wildflower]

Hi CG,

This just popped into my head so I thought I’d share it with you   :

What if you wrote your story for your children?  I know you don’t want to shock them with your stories the way your mother did, but what if you could find a way to tell them who you were, who you became, how you loved them, and why you loved them the way you did.  Something to help them understand – something to give them when they’re older.  When they’re all grown up.  A way to understand how strong you’ve been, and why they don’t know their grandmother.  It could be a gift, instead of a burden.

Wildflower
(aka, the Wanderer)

[Anonymous]

Hi Wildflower,

Aren't you just the most clever little cookie. You know, I am actually doing that very thing. Some in poetry form, some short stories. I've done some gore, not much. I still wanna ask you, so go on, tell me, how would you express through dress??

((hugs)) and thanks for the big squishy hug yesterday,

CG

[Wildflower]

Hi CG,

You know, I really don't know how I'd like to dress.  I'm just annoyed with my conservative/safe clothes.  Ah, but my poor friends can only handle so much change at a time - and they've just settled in to the new colors in my wardrobe.  

Oh, and the tv show?  WKRP in Cincinatti.        



((CG))

Wildflower

[Anonymous]

And she pushed me away because she couldn’t deal with the responsibility of really taking care of a child.  This reinforced the monster message, because it said to me that I was so bad, even my own mother couldn’t bear to spend time with me.    

How she managed to project her own image into and onto you has got me beat!!!! I don't know how the hell she did, but I KNOW, DAMN IT, that that's what she did to you. DAMN IT!! Can anyone explain this to me?????

CG

Hi Wildflower, this part still really really really trips me up, and it's so bloody infuriating, makes me feel like such thickky. (crossed-eyed emoticon)
I guess and really hope this will be answered when I get the book, right on!!

Nah, don't know that TV show, damn. But I soooo love Niles in 'Frasier'.

And colourful clothes, how totally alive and full of feeling.
But hey, black is so stunning and slimming.

Hey, truth or dare, what were you at your heaviest?  


((Higs)) what's a hig?
CG

[Wildflower]

Hi CG,

Hey, truth or dare, what were you at your heaviest?

Hmmm.  Dare??    No, just kidding.  I’d give you my weight but I think the sizes give a more dramatic picture.  At my heaviest, I was around an 18 or 20 in US sizing.  In college, I managed to get down to an average 14 (a little up, a little down ).  And now I’m at a size 10 (and pretty much at my ideal weight) and have been for years.  Wahoo.

And she pushed me away because she couldn’t deal with the responsibility of really taking care of a child.  This reinforced the monster message, because it said to me that I was so bad, even my own mother couldn’t bear to spend time with me.    

How she managed to project her own image into and onto you has got me beat!!!! I don't know how the hell she did, but I KNOW, DAMN IT, that that's what she did to you. DAMN IT!! Can anyone explain this to me?????

CG

Hi Wildflower, this part still really really really trips me up, and it's so bloody infuriating, makes me feel like such thickky. (crossed-eyed emoticon)

I didn’t explain it well, probably because it’s still new to me, but here goes take 2.  

When my mom was interacting with me, it was mostly criticism.  Not always, but mostly.  And honestly, I didn’t really trust her compliments because they usually ended up being either back-handed or something I didn’t feel good about.  But that’s just when she was interacting with me, which was pretty rare.  If I asked her to do anything with me, she’d put me off.  She never said no, she just put me off (later, in a little while, maybe in a minute).  And if she was in the middle of something, which was often because she had a ton of hobbies, she’d say “not now.”  And when she got home from work, she took long naps (2-4 hours), so that I really never saw much of her.  So, I got the message that she didn’t want to be with me.  And I made the connection that, because she was always criticizing me, she didn’t want to be with me because I was bad.  Because I was deeply flawed.  But even that was intensified by the fact that when I was 8 and upset over the loss of my good dad – and the loss of so many other things that went with him including friends – she accused me of being like my real (N) dad.  The message I got then was that my dad was evil, and since I was like him (people always told us we were practically identical twins – and she reminded me of it all the time) I was evil, too.

So, the reality is/was that she pushed me away because she was irresponsible and couldn’t handle taking care of a child.  But what I heard, the message I received, was that I was so bad, my own mother didn't want to be with me.  Bad because I was my father’s daughter.  I had it in me to be evil like him, and every time she criticized me, she was ‘saving’ me from myself.  But more often than that, she just didn’t want to be with me – I was just too bad for her to manage.  Or, I was so bad, she had to sleep because I was such a burden on her.  Wore her out.    

So for years, I've been carrying this around and it has affected everything I do, I know that.  I think it's even the root cause of my chronic insomnia since I was, gee, oh, 9.  For the past couple of weeks, I've actually fallen asleep easily.  It's so weird.  Fantastic, but weird.

Does that make more sense?

I’m still learning the ropes of how to say what I’m feeling when it comes to the present.  I’m so much better at hashing out things I’ve been over a hundred times from the past.  And that’s why I want to take another shot at trying to express what I wanted to say last night (but boy did I fumble   ), because it’s important to me  You’re important to me.

I see you here, and you’ve done so much in such a short amount of time.  You’ve even got a name now . You trust people here. And I want you to keep trusting people here.  I want to be here for you when I can - and you’re NOT a monkey/burden.  Talking with you helps me sort stuff out, too, and your questions make me search a little harder – and even make me feel like someone cares.   But I also need to make sure that I go out into the world and see how what I’ve learned has changed the way I see things.  So I’m trying to learn to take care of myself and do what I need to do, but I also want to make sure that you know that if you don’t hear from me for a little while, it’s not AT ALL because of anything you said or how much you have to say.

Gosh I have a lot to learn…

Anyway, miss space traveler.  That’s all for me tonight.  Gonna try to actually get to bed at a reasonable hour for once.    

Wildflower

P.S. - A hig is a hippo-pig.

[Anonymous]

Hi there Wildflower,

And now I’m at a size 10 (and pretty much at my ideal weight) and have been for years.  Wahoo.

That must feel sooooo good, and you can wear so much more of what you like and it's so much easier to buy for, hey, and so much les cloth to iron    Man, that was unhealthy before, huh.  I wahoo with you Thank goodness you lost it. That is a huge weight loss, absolutely fantastic!!

If I asked her to do anything with me, she’d put me off.  She never said no, she just put me off (later, in a little while, maybe in a minute).  And if she was in the middle of something, which was often because she had a ton of hobbies, she’d say “not now.”  And when she got home from work, she took long naps (2-4 hours), so that I really never saw much of her.  So, I got the message that she didn’t want to be with me.  And I made the connection that, because she was always criticizing me, she didn’t want to be with me because I was bad.  Because I was deeply flawed.  

Oh my gosh, that is so awful, and so easy to do, to say "wait" to kids, or "not now, later". And easy, even with the best intentions. I just memo'd myself. Do a self-inventory, and make sure I'm not doing this. And she had tons of hobbies, I wonder why??? Distraction maybe. Easily bored??? I suppose a lot of the self-improvement stuff wasn't as easily available back then. It's such a shame she never took up the hobby to get help to learn how to parent.

But even that was intensified by the fact that when I was 8 and upset over the loss of my good dad – and the loss of so many other things that went with him including friends – she accused me of being like my real (N) dad.  The message I got then was that my dad was evil, and since I was like him (people always told us we were practically identical twins – and she reminded me of it all the time) I was evil, too.

Blaaaah, blaaaah, fingers down throat, blaaaaah blaaaah, gotta spew!!!! Gotta work to get the taste of that one out of my mouth. Know it toooooo well

So, the reality is/was that she pushed me away because she was irresponsible and couldn’t handle taking care of a child.  But what I heard, the message I received, was that I was so bad, my own mother didn't want to be with me.  Bad because I was my father’s daughter.  I had it in me to be evil like him, and every time she criticized me, she was ‘saving’ me from myself.  But more often than that, she just didn’t want to be with me – I was just too bad for her to manage.  Or, I was so bad, she had to sleep because I was such a burden on her.  
Wore her out.    

Oh my gosh, that gives me an ache for you. I hope I never make my kids feel like that, even for a moment. It's really quite sickening isn't it, to have that type of influence and power over a small innocent child's psyche and life and misuse it so.

I can see that poor little girl you were, struggling for your mother's affection and approval. Gosh, I just want to give her a really big big hug, and tell her she's just perfect the way she is, and that she and her needs are not the problem at all. And that she's not to think she, or anything she is or does, is to, or try to take the blame. And maybe she'd do that, take the blame I mean, just because she loves her mommy so much and sees her mommy as beautiful and perfect.

So for years, I've been carrying this around and it has affected everything I do, I know that.  I think it's even the root cause of my chronic insomnia since I was, gee, oh, 9.  For the past couple of weeks, I've actually fallen asleep easily.  It's so weird.  Fantastic, but weird.
Does that make more sense?

Isn't that so good, the sleeping bit, oh boy I'm glad.    
:

D And I want you to keep trusting people here.  I want to be here for you when I can -

I get what you're saying Wildflower, thankyou so much.

.  Gonna try to actually get to bed at a reasonable hour for once.  

 Oh, I know, it's so true, we human's need our sleep. fuuny how sleep is one of the first things to go when things start getting tough. It's a real sign isn't it.

P.S. - A hig is a hippo-pig.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Well another big ((HIG)) to you and talk to you later. I'm rounding up my book order to amazon, oh soooo exciting, the list is growing, it'll be like xmas when it comes.    

CG