Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
healing
Portia:
Ah, Wildflower, I should clear up my bad communication immediately and say when I said a “Wildflower job” I didn’t mean you in reality, I meant you in your/my story, you as ..er...indicative of all those women. Ack, I didn’t mean you as such and I didn’t mean to point it out…mind you, if it did help in any way, that’s okay, so, good. Tricky, this language thing.
As for grieving, well, your post elsewhere about talking to yourself as child, it reminded me of the ‘Healing the child within’ book which I found enormously helpful – and illuminating, about how good a childhood can be! (I know that babies and kids need touch and hugs etc but when you go down his list of what you missed…it can be excruciating . But he does instruct on how to heal yourself. Still trying to here! And grieving, grieving for what you didn’t have, couldn’t have….it’s all in there. Great book (though a sick-making cover picture). You’ve probably read it and done it to death! Just gabbling on before I go out into that big bad world where other people reside…P
rosencrantz:
Hi Portia - I was thinking back to the 'little ladybird jumping up to be seen/heard, trying to get into the line of vision' and then hearing you offering the alternative of 'looking her straight in the eye'. That was the 'wow'. You were right in her line of vision - the ladybird had GONE! :shock: :lol:
I had some other thoughts then thought...turn the spotlight off, willya!!! :wink:
So CG is finding good-hearted people, and you are finding people who are worth looking straight in the eye...
So who am I finding??? Me, inside. Like you said! And I guess I'll find people who can tolerate 'me'!!! Not the intellectual, intelligent, organised, honest, strong, certain, questioning me. But the easily confused, uncertain, fragile, shy, wondering me. Or both! It must be 'confusing' for other people to see both exist side by side!!! I don't feel quite so 'humiliated' at the thought of 'this' me existing, being seen, any more. "Come on dear, it's safe to come out now!!!" (Are you sure??!)
Dear Wildflower - Do you mind me bringing something over from the other thread???
--- Quote ---
--- Quote ---Dear Wildflower. If I say there's nothing you could say that could hurt me, does it mean to you that I'm not listening? I'm listening.
--- End quote ---
Caught red handed. Talk about reading me like a book. But I’ve got to work on that, don’t I? That and worrying all the time about hurting people. So it’s my issue and it’s been duly noted to self. No worries. But thanks so much for posting that.
--- End quote ---
But (uncomfortable feeling/admission here) I wasn't really listening, was I?! I was 'simply' being aware that I wasn't!! But I AM now and I finally (I think) figured out what it is you do for me not to listen/hear!!
You get me (anyone?) concentrating on whether I feel hurt/damaged instead of concentrating on WHAT YOU SAID! And as my attention flickers over your words, I register that I don't feel hurt and so I respond to THAT question - but in the process of doing that, i'm ignoring all the words of wisdom and support you offer!!! Can you see how that works?? Can you see how to make it different so you DO get heard better?? Do you mind me writing this to you????!!!!? I'm not sure I should...but then I'm not sure about a lot of things these days...
I think I need to find better ways of integrating the 'shy, uncertain' me before I drive everyone crazy!!! :idea: Aaagh - I've just had a :idea: and I can't stop. See you guys later...
Time to cook 'supper'...
TTFN
R
Wildflower:
Hey R,
--- Quote ---You get me (anyone?) concentrating on whether I feel hurt/damaged instead of concentrating on WHAT YOU SAID! And as my attention flickers over your words, I register that I don't feel hurt and so I respond to THAT question - but in the process of doing that, i'm ignoring all the words of wisdom and support you offer!!! Can you see how that works?? Can you see how to make it different so you DO get heard better??
--- End quote ---
Honest? I don't know what I'm doing to make myself hard to hear. I wasn't aware that I was making myself hard to hear. Is that what you're telling me? Something I'm doing wrong?
Wildflower
{EDIT: P.S. - I couldn't stop worrying about hurting people until I understood why I felt that way in the first place, right? No matter how people tried to tell me I wasn't, I still kept hearing this voice that told me I was a monster and hurt people - no matter how hard I tried not to. Well, I've gotten to the bottom of that, and I think it'll be easier for me going forward, but it wasn't something I could just stop doing, you know what I mean?}
Wildflower:
Hi Portia,
--- Quote ---Tricky, this language thing.
--- End quote ---
No kidding! Especially when we're talking in metaphors and stories and stuff. That's how I read your comments, though - as an extension of the imagery we were using. And it was helpful to me. Continuing the imagery, that is. Going with the image of mom being poisoned and me watching her, and people watching me watch her...symbolic of all the other people who've gotten hooked in merely by watching. So, I mean it. It was helpful, and no offense taken. :D
I haven't read Healing the Child Within but I will now. Next to a box of tissues, of course. I've actually been looking for some readable texts on child development so that I can have a better understanding of what was normal at various ages. As in, was it normal to think x, y, z at that age? Or was that a sign of something bad going on? Or was that a healthy sign of me rejecting something bad? Not that I buy that everyone has the same experiences growing up - but boy would it be useful to have a yardstick. :wink:
Wildflower
rosencrantz:
No, not 'wrong'! But hey -I'm probably getting too complicated as usual. If what I say has no meaning, isn't 'speaking' to you - then it's me that's 'wrong' - no probs!!! :-)
R
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