Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
healing
rosencrantz:
Hi Portia - I'm not sure if it will 'translate' out of context. And the whole situation is far too convoluted to try to explain. I received an email which made a statement that wasn't true but was taken for granted as true. You know, like my mother and the 'you look depressed but you're making it up and anyway you're copying me' scenario. Convoluted obfuscation which I find almost impossible to pull apart. But I did!!! I wrote a letter that cut through all the crap of the previous two years (like a hot knife through butter! Take it easy, CG!) and ends...
[Edited to protect the not so innocent!]
I realised just how abusive his attitude was towards me, how much he put me on the other side of the fence AND (more importantly) that I didn't belong there!!!!! :shock: I also realised just how abusive some other people's behaviour was to me and that he had the power to do something about it and indeed SHOULD do something about it. (My activity brings a LOT of money into his business.)
Just a short while ago, I'd be portraying this as a scenario from my childhood, not paying proper attention to it because it's just 'in my mind'. Well, it isn't 'just in my mind', it's real, it's 'out there' and it's happening. And 'just like my father', this guy should be doing something about it. He has the power to change things, and I don't!
So I may be speaking to my father but I'm also speaking to this guy. Or vice versa. This is the message I should have given my father when I was two years old (and 12 and 20!!!). Made it, at last. Before, I only felt shame that I was being abused! :shock: (I can't believe I'm saying this!)
Throughout my life, God, fate or some part of me kept arranging for me to meet people like my mother so I could finally deal with 'her' and I just wasn't listening. So finally I got my mother back again to deal with 'in the flesh'. And still it took one more person here on this board some time ago before I could work it all out. And now I've been sent my father to deal with through this work thing. I've been marginally quicker this time round.
Pop! The bubble burst.
And yes, you can tell me that mean thing about my father on whichever thread seems appropriate. I'm sure it won't be a surprise!!!!! :)
R
rosencrantz:
--- Quote ---But I can see how a big part of my psyche self-defense is humour. It keeps people at a safe distance.
--- End quote ---
Hi CG - I woke up thinking about you this morning. I was thinking that you won't get your work done until you share with us that other side of you, the frightened you, the one your mother ran rings round. We met her once, I think, that side of you.
These thoughts I had this morning seemed to fit in with what I read in your post here today so I thought I'd share them.
Forget the killer quips. It'll never happen and it doesn't need to. Why waster your precious energy? You need to be freer of them than that. And you deserve better. (Like me!)
One day, can we have CG 'in the round'??? Your strength is tremendous, amazing, wonderful. Your humour - well, if you can't perform by numbers, what about becoming a sit com writer??!!!! :wink: You do great warm cosy stuff, too. How many other sides of you are there? :-) Big, bold, sassy. But where's the fragile, the nervous CG??? Does she want to come out to play, too????? Or are you getting pulled in too many directions???
How you described your H putting you on display - felt just like my mother! Were you a 'trophy wife' or something, there for the pumping up of ego-by-proxy??? :wink: And you said : I get so caught up in tryin' to make sure I'm on the right ground first! but one never can because the ground keeps shifting - they're faster than we are cos they set the ground rules so they can keep shifting the goal posts before we've even realised it - n'est-ce pas????
R
Dawning:
Greetings :) I will not be online for several days starting now but I noticed that post ,CG. Thanks. :)
<<Higs>> (meaning hugs??)
~Dawning
Wildflower:
Hi R,
--- Quote ---If I could have just made you hear what I really said, I believed you wouldn't be feeling hurt so 'obviously' (to me) the 'hurt' was an irrelevance!
--- End quote ---
Thanks for being honest about that, R. In fact, until you put it that way, I hadn’t realized that that’s probably what I was reacting to (mom ignored me, invalidated my feelings by telling me they were not important or silly or wrong). I musta picked up on that big time and reacted - big time. :roll: My own script, I guess. Hmmm. :idea: Just discovered a new nerve. Ah, you live and learn…. {EDIT: But I also see where you're coming from. This is just my way of saying I popped a few bubbles during all this, too}
--- Quote ---I also hadn't realised what your pm meant but I was in far too bad a place to even begin to look after other people's feelings at that time.
--- End quote ---
No problem at all. :D I sensed you were in a tough place, and that’s why I wanted to remove any doubt in case you didn’t hear from me. So no, I never expected you to be looking after me. I was looking after you :D.
It looks like you’ve been doing quite a bit of work yourself over the week, too.
--- Quote ---And yesterday - totally different circumstances, but same 'me'! - I calmly told someone (work-related) what they had just 'done' to me and what they had been doing to me for years, and I told them I wanted it to stop. And I was only able to do that because of what happened here.
--- End quote ---
That must have felt so rewarding, R. And positive. To be able to feel a change like that. :D :D
Anyway, I’m off for the weekend, so have a great one.
Take care,
Wildflower
Wildflower:
--- Quote ---But I can see how a big part of my psyche self-defense is humour. It keeps people at a safe distance.
--- End quote ---
I dunno, CG. You may need a new set o' deflectors cos your humor (and kindness) kinda drew this puppy in. :D :D (Nah, I know what you mean.)
Hey Dawning,
The official-ish (Voicelessness) definition (for the moment) of a HIG is a hippo-pig. Part warm, safe, floating CG, part...well...it seemed to make sense at the time :D. But I'm sure you've already heard of 'em, cos they're all over Japan. And the east. Not so many in NYC, though. There's a pet store a few blocks away from me and when I asked them if that had any or would be getting any soon the guy was so rude to me and started denying that they existed. Sheesh. What an N. :roll:
But yeah, HIGs make for great HUGS. And on that note...
(((((HIGS)))))
Wildflower
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