Author Topic: healing  (Read 58883 times)

Dawning

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« Reply #195 on: May 10, 2004, 10:07:26 AM »
Quote
I’m going now to go and try and buy myself some clothes –


Good luck with that, P.  You inspire me.  I am still wearing the same two skirts and one pair of pants since last October.  Yikes!!

Btw, I am just getting into this thread (the last page anyway)....alot going on here.   :)  

~D.
"No one's life is worth more than any other...no sister is less than any brother...."

Portia

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« Reply #196 on: May 10, 2004, 10:50:41 AM »
Hiya D! yep, still here...going now, but:

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I am still wearing the same two skirts and one pair of pants since last October. Yikes!!


You last bought clothes in October? I last bought a year ago (3 hours in one shop = 5 items). It's a major job. I just don't buy clothes. I saw your para about not buying clothes and food elsewhere. Do you mind if I put it here?:

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while I am fine working, vacationing, sleeping and using my computer for various reasons ....I have found it difficult to do other important things like go shopping for food and clothes. I am paying my bills, filing taxes, stuff like that. Only been like this since the end of March so been thinking it is a necessary phase and one I'm getting over as we now speak. But I have felt in a rut for a bit longer (as in can't decide how to go about getting what I want, questioning what I want so what I want changes all the time.........blech.)


I just saw that you fulfil all your responsibilities to the outside world, but presumably the food and clothes are just for you? So maybe you don't feel worthy of the effort? (This is me.) I bet you make sure you buy cat food though? I have a very hard time just buying standard stuff just for me - like special olives which other half won't eat. I have a hard time justifying any expense if it's just for me. You? (I am going now.... :wink: ) P

Anonymous

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healing
« Reply #197 on: May 10, 2004, 08:04:53 PM »
Hi Wildflower,
Bought this up top just in case you missed it. Or maybe you already have this site. Probably, I'm always behind the times. hahahahahah.
But anyway, just on the off-chance that it was too far behind for you to catch. Especially after my posting marathon here yesterday. :D
No worries if you already saw it, it's just me doing 'follow-up'. hahaha

Quote from: Anonymous
Hi Wildflower, me again, 2 posts in one day. Whoooah, haven't done that in a while on this thread (d)
I posted to try to give you a good web-site. This is one that Rosencrantz posted here ages ago about passsive-agressives. Fingers crossed and here goes.
http://www.passiveaggressive.homestead.com/PATraits.html
Now I'll post this to you and try it to see if I got it right this time. hahahahahah, Not bloody likely, first time.

Just call me the 'Failed Web Page' poster.

CG

Wildflower

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« Reply #198 on: May 10, 2004, 08:55:49 PM »
Hi CG,

I got it.  I looked at it.  And my eyes went  :shock:  :shock:  :shock: .

That's my mom.  And your ex?  That's my mom, too.  Hobbies all over the place.  The kitchen was a lab.  The bathroom was a smaller lab.  The closets were crammed with hobby stuff.  The garage was crammed with hobby stuff.  Unfinished projects everywhere.  People offering to buy things.  Mom not wanting to go through the trouble of selling all her stuff.  Happier to talk about it and do nothing. :shock:

She made me late for school every day because she needed to finish putting on her make-up.  I got used to it.  Even defended it.  Believed I wanted to be late.  Carried that over into my adult life. :shock:

I'm angry right now.  Very angry.  Feeling very betrayed.  Every time I picture that poor girl getting beat up ... because she was already hurting ... I can hardly breathe I'm so angry.  Correction.  Every time I allow myself to realize - that was ME she was beating up.  That was ME who was already hurting.  That was ME she abandoned to my father.  I GASP FOR AIR.  I'm sooooooo angry.

I love her because she's my mother.  But I hate her right now, too.

Wildflower
If you want to sing out, sing out
And if you want to be free, be free
'Cause there's a million ways to be, you know that there are
-- Cat Stevens, from the movie Harold and Maude

Wildflower

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healing
« Reply #199 on: May 10, 2004, 11:31:02 PM »
Hey CG,

Feeling a bit better now.  Really need to get a punching bag in my apartment I think :wink: .

I just came back to say, just in case, that it wasn't the article that upset me.  It was shocking how much applies to her, and that's definitely given me a new path to follow, so thanks.

But, it's what mom said that upset me.  It was small in a way, but it was the last straw.  I kept backing away from that anger at her...heal...back away...heal...back away.  Well, it dawned on me how maddening it must have felt to be there, being shoved down.  How maddening it was to be dealling with all these things that were so beyond my control - and then be shoved down.  To have my feelings denied, to be ridiculed for who I was, for struggling, for being confused, for being a kid.  For sneezing??? :roll: And there it was...a whole big pocket o' anger.

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Can you tell me what you meant when you said "Not a lot of being down-to-earth involved." Is this related to the protective layers or ambitions or something else?


Yeah, I think this was related to the protective layers.  Math (and some science) was abstract.  True/False.  The function resolved or it didn't.  There was some funky cool stuff in higher math - even got as far as Chaos Theory! (Ironic?  Never thought about it that way).  But...no messy human stuff.  No messy life stuff.  Just functions.  And answers.  No passive-aggressive functions.  No hostile variables.  No shifting answers.  It was an escape.

Yeah, there was some ambition there at times, but not too much.  I was told I was good (and not living up to my potential of course), and there were times when I thought I might be a great mathematician some day.  But then I got to college and with the help of a german professor, I discovered architecture and history and sociology.  But you know what?  I couldn't handle the open-endedness of those subjects for a long long time.  And you know what else?  I had MAJOR writer's block for years.  I couldn't write.  Now I look back and think, wow.  That was some major voicelessness.

And while I'm rambling, would you believe that when I was in my first year of college, I told my mom as if it was the weirdest thing in the world,"People listen to me here."  I wasn't being mean or hostile.  I was really sharing it with her like, wow, isn't that bizarre?  What's with people here?  They listen...as if I actually have something to say.  I so didn't get it, did I?

Anyway...I'm off.  Time to clean up the cooking (distraction) mess I made in the kitchen tonight.

(((BIG HIGS))) on a lily pad
Wildflower
If you want to sing out, sing out
And if you want to be free, be free
'Cause there's a million ways to be, you know that there are
-- Cat Stevens, from the movie Harold and Maude

Wildflower

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healing
« Reply #200 on: May 11, 2004, 12:07:06 AM »
Hi Dawning,

Quote
Good luck with that, P. You inspire me. I am still wearing the same two skirts and one pair of pants since last October. Yikes!!

Btw, I am just getting into this thread (the last page anyway)....alot going on here.  


Welcome to the healing pond :D. It's a bit muddy and messy at times, but it's a nice hangout. :D

Clothes are tough, aren't they??  It's about finding our voice in clothing, hunh?  (Good thing voicelessness here doesn't translate into...no clothes!  :shock: :D )

I think Portia's right, too, that it's about spening money on US.  Getting something I like - just because I like it.  No other reason.  No justification.  No guilt.  Getting something that makes ME happy.  Even if it's not about money - doing something that's only for US.

Are you on lunch break yet? :D

((HIGS))
Wildflower
If you want to sing out, sing out
And if you want to be free, be free
'Cause there's a million ways to be, you know that there are
-- Cat Stevens, from the movie Harold and Maude

Wildflower

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« Reply #201 on: May 11, 2004, 12:37:31 AM »
CG, you’ve rubbed off on me.  My fourth post in a row. :shock:

You know…it wasn’t just what mom said that upset me.  It wasn’t just a last straw.  I got into an argument with one of my closest friends today because his response to my reaction to my talk with mom yesterday was “That’s just the way she is.” I got more from him along the lines of telling me to let it go and move on.  I want to, that’s my goal.  I don’t want to be stuck here.  But I’m afraid I have to go through this.

Then, after a while of talking it out with him, I realized that he was really balking at the idea of blaming my mom for anything because, in his eyes, she’s sick.  It’s troubling to him to blame someone who’s sick.  Well, I feel the same way.  I get defensive about my uncle with schizophrenia.  It upsets me when my mom says bad things about him.  So I asked my friend if that’s how he felt and he said it was (look at me…I’m so used to being silenced that I assumed he was doing that to me, instead of having his own reactions to this yucky situation).  

So then, trying to understand his point of view, I thought about my uncle and his daughter.  I thought about how I'd respond to her if she came to me blaming my uncle and upset with him and talking about how hard it was to grow up with him.  (We were very close when she was young, before he was diagnosed.  She's eight years younger than me and I used to carry her around with me everywhere.)  I know it must have been so incredibly hard for her, and even though I wouldn’t blame my uncle for his sickness, I’d understand, empathize, hear her side of the story.  It would be okay for her to rage and blame and hate.

And then … I’m not so far removed from my cousin.  Her uncle, my mother.  My cousin and I…growing up with mentally ill parents.  Her dad diagnosed and on medication (when he takes it).  My mom on the brink, undiagnosed, on medication (self-prescribed).  Somehow, mentally giving my cousin permission to rage against her father – even though he was sick and couldn’t help it – opened a valve for me.  It finally gave me permission to rage.  And to finally rage in the right direction.  Not at friends, not at the world, not at myself – but at the situation I grew up in.

It sucked.  It really happened.  It happened to me.  I survived.  Survival cost me my voice.  Rejoining life and my voice will cost me my false survival strategies.

Somebody send me to bed!!!

Wildflower
If you want to sing out, sing out
And if you want to be free, be free
'Cause there's a million ways to be, you know that there are
-- Cat Stevens, from the movie Harold and Maude

Anonymous

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healing
« Reply #202 on: May 11, 2004, 06:34:22 AM »
Quote

Quote
Can you tell me what you meant when you said "Not a lot of being down-to-earth involved." Is this related to the protective layers or ambitions or something else?


Yeah, I think this was related to the protective layers.  Math (and some science) was abstract.  True/False.  The function resolved or it didn't.  There was some funky cool stuff in higher math - even got as far as Chaos Theory! (Ironic?  Never thought about it that way).  But...no messy human stuff.  No messy life stuff.  Just functions.  And answers.  No passive-aggressive functions.  No hostile variables.  No shifting answers.  It was an escape.

Yeah, there was some ambition there at times, but not too much.  I was told I was good (and not living up to my potential of course), and there were times when I thought I might be a great mathematician some day.  But then I got to college and with the help of a german professor, I discovered architecture and history and sociology.  But you know what?  I couldn't handle the open-endedness of those subjects for a long long time.  And you know what else?  I had MAJOR writer's block for years.  I couldn't write.  Now I look back and think, wow.  That was some major voicelessness.

And while I'm rambling, would you believe that when I was in my first year of college, I told my mom as if it was the weirdest thing in the world,"People listen to me here."  I wasn't being mean or hostile.  I was really sharing it with her like, wow, isn't that bizarre?  What's with people here?  They listen...as if I actually have something to say.  I so didn't get it, did I?

Hi Wildflower,

I want to talk, but I didn't want it to seem like I'd overlooked these things here that you said. You know you've got a good mind, don't you? Are you happy with the choices you've made so far? I've never asked how old you are because I guess from something you said once I assumed you're about 28 or 30. Is that right?

Has the Imposter Syndrome affected you? Caused you to reject certain paths that you would have flourished in? Just wondering, that's all? Or have you gone the way you dreamed of?

You don't have to answer any of these ???? of course. You know the rules. Take what you want/need and leave the rest. :D  :D  :D

Here's another one from me to you if and when you're up to it. It's so weird, I just knew that an image has been forming in my mind re your mum, and that she just so reminded me of someone. I'm so glad the web-page was helpful. Let's all say a big thanks to Rosencrantz.  :D  :D  She's been bloody brilliant in contributing really helpful resources here.

So here's my  thought. You know that list they had on P/A traits on that site. I was gonna say, why don't you single one or a couple, or hey, even the whole damn lot out. And then I was gonna ask you if you wanted to do a really specific vent on EACH  ONE!  :D Are you with me? You know, really let it RIP, and let it all out.  :x And hey, you could even go into how you think that specific trait she directed towards you, has impacted on you.

Anyay, that was my wild and crazy idea for the day. I think it could be useful, or therapeutic. Especially seeing as it seems impossible that you can direct any of it at her in the flesh. Absolutely, ONLY if, and ONLY when you wanted to of course. And if you wanted to do it here, in this thread, hey,  :D I'd love to hear it. :D Kinda like a victim impact statement, but with a cheer squad, and maybe even some good feedback. Come back to me on it if you want to do it, okay. But, no pressure.

((((HIGS from a happy floating HIGAPIGASAURAURUS))))

CG
1).

Wildflower

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« Reply #203 on: May 11, 2004, 12:56:12 PM »
Hi CG,

No one’s ever asked me to vent before.  I kinda feel like crying, you know?  I’m always afraid things will blow up if I vent.  Buildings’ll fall down.  People will get hurt.

I know some of these feelings are ugly.  Bear with me.  In a strange way, this thing I’m going through – whatever it is – is allowing me to accept some of the good things that happened with mom.  Like going over to the bayou during a flood to see if the water rose up over the edges. :)

But a strange thing, can I share this with you?  One of the things I loved most about moving to NYC was that people didn’t care if you were pissed off in the streets.  Who noticed?  As if you were the only one…  :roll:  So I vented my first year or so.  I walked around pissed.  

Funny story about that actually.  A guy on the street actually ‘got me’ one day.  He had about 5 stock questions he asked me every day on my way to work (me running late, hot summer, uncomfortable clothes, working with bankers…BAD MOOD CITY).  He’d stop me and ask “Are you gonna smile for me today?”  There were other variations of that, but that’s the one I remember most.  Because he asked me one time too many. :lol:  I growled back at him one day in response, “NnnnoooOOO!” - and immediately I realized what a b*tch I was being started laughing.   He laughed with me, too.  Or maybe at me. :wink: :lol:

Anyway, so, this morning….I’m still pissed off.  But I’m letting it happen.  I’m listening to my music on my way to work: Garbage.  Blasting.  I’m angry.  I can’t remember the last time I was this angry.  I don’t care what people think.  But get this…on my way into my office building, I say my happy good mornings to everyone like every other day – and I mean it.  I’m angry, but I’m not taking it out on anybody.  :shock: I can be angry without my world coming to an end.  Does that sound pathetic?  That I didn’t understand that until now?  That I can be angry and still be nice to people around me who don’t have anything to do with why I’m angry?

Should I stop?  Is this too personal?  Am I making people uncomfortable or do you wish I’d just keep all this to myself instead of filling up board space with my brain farts?

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Has the Imposter Syndrome affected you? Caused you to reject certain paths that you would have flourished in? Just wondering, that's all? Or have you gone the way you dreamed of?


The answer to that is complicated, I think.  I’ve been thinking about the Imposter Syndrome a lot lately, but I think there are some weird twisted ideas I have about being … smart.  My parents hid behind it.  And being intelligent never did anything to make my dad a nice person, did it?  So I really don’t value my intelligence, and people who talk about being smart and privileged make me really uncomfortable.  It’s over-rated, in my book.  I’d much rather hang out with people who are kind and real and wise.  Who cares what books you’ve read or what theorems you know?  So is this part of the Imposter Syndrome?  Devaluing something I have?  Devaluing something because it doesn’t get me where I want to go?  I’m losing ground here…babbling, I think.

Quote
So here's my thought. You know that list they had on P/A traits on that site. I was gonna say, why don't you single one or a couple, or hey, even the whole damn lot out. And then I was gonna ask you if you wanted to do a really specific vent on EACH ONE!


That’s such a great idea, CG.  Thanks.  I started a little this morning.  It’s about getting the details down isn’t it?  I need to do that.  The more I do that, the more real all this seems.

And if you’re out there reading, R, thanks for everything you’ve given this board and all the people you’ve helped during your healing process.  It’s a lot.  I hope you know that. :D

((((((((heartfelt HIGS))))))))) from a venting Wildflower

P.S. – Good guess on my age, CG.  Yeah, I’m 31, though I forget all the time.  Good thing I remember what year I was born  :roll: :wink:
If you want to sing out, sing out
And if you want to be free, be free
'Cause there's a million ways to be, you know that there are
-- Cat Stevens, from the movie Harold and Maude

Wildflower

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healing
« Reply #204 on: May 11, 2004, 06:00:38 PM »
Hi CG,

Quote
I want to talk, but I didn't want it to seem like I'd overlooked these things here that you said.


Do re meeeeeee....
Me me me me meeeeeeeee...
Me me me me meeeeeeeee...

I've been having a bit a bit of a me fest here, hunh?   :oops: Sorry about that.  I think my ears are working if you wanna talk about...not me :D.  I have some comments/questions about your Sunday post, so I'm comin' back.  Just wanted to say talk away...don't worry about adressing all my blabbering.  Blubbering.  Bloobering. :D

(((MUDDY HIGS)))
Wildflower
If you want to sing out, sing out
And if you want to be free, be free
'Cause there's a million ways to be, you know that there are
-- Cat Stevens, from the movie Harold and Maude

Wildflower

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healing
« Reply #205 on: May 11, 2004, 11:29:26 PM »
Hi CG,

Quote
My friend didn't poo-poo me at all. Actually, she affirmed me, and mentioned a couple of other times she'd noticed our mutual friend say very hurtful things that she thought I hadn't noticed at the time. I had though.    I'd just never said anything.


So do you trust this friend more now?  I think it’s so great that not only did she validate your experience, she even volunteered more examples to validate you.  Do you see yourself confiding in her in the future if things get sticky?  And about that friend who hurts you, how are you going to deal with her?  Do you have any ideas?

Quote
A funny contradiction here. I talked about it later with my husband and opened myself up for his observations. I asked him to be frank with me, (OOOHH, Frank,  who's Frank hahahahah) and so we discussed how I'm not insecure at all addressing such issues in the workplace. I am quite bold and confident in the workplace.  I guess that's because there are defined parameters and a certain amount of protection and whole bunch of rules that both sides have to abide by. So, I find I have no fear in that context, and over the years have had to deal with some pretty heavy issues. A for instance, a sexual harrassment issue a few years ago which led to the guy getting the sack. Anonymous threats were fed back to me, and strangely enough, they didn't frighten or silence me or keep from speaking up or make me stay at home.  


This makes complete sense to me.  For the longest time I’ve kept very, VERY distinct boundaries between work and home.  I rarely socialize with people from the office (my last job was an exception), and I’m very professional (when I’m not a wreck from dealing with family stuff, that is).  I’ve started loosening up those boundaries lately, but yeah.  I can see how you might be a different person in the workplace.  I’m sorry about the sexual harassment issue stuff.  That musta been such a pain.  I think there are times when I could have raised sexual harassment issues but didn’t because I wasn’t confident enough in myself.  I really do appreciate men, and I love the ways in which they’re different from women, but the brutish stuff…I could leave it, ya know?

Quote
And you can see I don't seem to be suffering any particular anxiety here on this forum either. hahahahahaahahahah   Take my last couple of posts to 'others'.


You know, it took me a while to figure out why you were so upset with visitor, but then I remembered you yelling out to your mom (here) that not all men are bad.  I take it she told you they were a lot?  Did she say it all the time, or was it more like the way she treated them?  Or both?

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He had such a failure mentality. WHoooa. Now, do you know what effect that had. It was expensive, exhausting, draining and infuriating. Frustrating, is just way too much of an understatement. And the put-downs he could create which would have me believing I was the problem were so well crafted. it's taken me years to dispel some of those myths. Yet, and I hesitiate to say this, because it's seems so contradictory, he is a really nice guy. But, the energy he would invest in his pet-projects and hobbies. And what a "Don't Touch" mentality. When I think back, I laugh. How can you live in the same house and not touch the record-player, or the records. Maddening!!!!


Now that I’ve got my head screwed on straight and I’m not milking this anger thing (like getting puss out of a wound…gross, but do you get the idea?), I can finally say, wow.  Your ex sounds soooooo much like my mom.  The record player bit is so funny, but I know it’s true.  I wasn’t allowed to finish any drinks in the fridge.  I couldn’t have the last of the milk or soda or tea or anything.  It was only recently that I realized how weird that is.  She had to have the last of everything??  I’m also assuming that another post a while back was yours – one that goes into more detail about his passive-aggressive side regarding your children and how you had to get your kids to safety.  That’s such a sad story, CG.  I’m so sorry you had to go through all that alone.

And yeah, I can see you appreciating his good qualities – especially now that he’s gotten better and gotten help.  That’s great.  Do your kids still keep in touch with him?

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My son (the one who was electrocuted you mean) is really really well. He just got his driver's license and bought a new car. Scarey stuff. Now he's got big re-paymnets hanging over his head each month. I don't agree with going into debt for depreciating assets, but oh well, what can I say. I remember how I was at his age. He wouldn't listen to his old mummy and buy a bomb first time round.    No, a top of the line bright red ute with black interior.
I really don't care, so long as he drives carefully.


New red car :roll: :D.  Boys :D.  Is he a good (i.e. confident) driver?  I’ll put up a few prayers for him as well.  So glad he’s doing really well after the electrocution.  And hey, I guess it could be a good story for the girls though ;) :D.

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They have to put me at the back of the class, 'cause I throw everybody else off. I'm always about 3 beats behind everyone else. very confusing for the class. I've even managed to throw the instructor off acouple of times. She's avoided looking at me since then
since then. Hahahahahahaahah


That’s hilarious, CG.  :D   I don’t know how anyone learns those aerobic moves.  They’re so fast and complicated!  At least in dance class they break it down for you – and teach you over and over.  And besides (mischievous grin emoticon), bellydance ain’t about the feets :D.  To me, it’s about being a woman in a sensual, beautiful way.  Okay, and in a funny how-the-hell-do-you-expect-my-body-to-do-that way :lol:.

Float float float….splash splash….
(((((((BIG HIGS))))))) (from a free wildflower….tonight anyway :D :D :D)


P.S. - I hope my angry posts never came across as angry with you or anyone here.  I'm sorry if they did.  I was just speaking from an angry - and strangely clear - place.  Anyway...just want you to know...
If you want to sing out, sing out
And if you want to be free, be free
'Cause there's a million ways to be, you know that there are
-- Cat Stevens, from the movie Harold and Maude

Anonymous

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healing
« Reply #206 on: May 12, 2004, 03:09:23 AM »
Hi Wildflower,

Belly dancing, how totally cool.  :D  I'd never be able to master that! My head would fall off.

I'm so glad you started a vent list re the P/A stuff, a victim impact statement of sorts. That's really what I wanted to talk to you about. To see if you wanted to do it. And to see if I could help in anyway, having lived with someone like that in adult-to-adult relationship. (hahaha, adult-to-adult, a bit of a joke there). But also how I observed it impacted on my kids. That would be interesting.

Yes, that visitor did annoy me, more so than make me mad. And a couple of those responses I found ignorant and annoying too. Oh how totally arrogant of me to say that. Coooool. :D  hahahahahahaha

I get so frustrated though with people who want to tell me how to think. And how to translate an "I love you". Come on!!!!! Funny, I thought I said some pretty nice things in that post, about men in particular. That didn't get recognised, noticed or go down too well, did it? Apparently it was hate-filled. hahahahahaha.

Anyway, enough of that, sorry I've been slow in posting back to you, I didn't have time to do 2 earlier, and I felt I just had to shoot one off to Portia after I read her post. She's so sweet and I think missing R. Shit, I hope she doesn't read that, or she'll hunt me down and beat the shit out of me (hahahahaah) me for saying that. I meant to get back to you earlier but other things got lumped on me in the meantime. Sam old jazz, books books books. End of financial year fiasco!!

I meant to tell you, the most amazing thing happened the other day. I went down the back and saw a bright coloured bird under the clothes line. I walked over towards it and it didn't fly away. So I went closer and closer, got down on the ground and just sat near it and guess what? It walked over to me, so I put my arm out and it climbed on my hand and up my arm. It was a perfectly tame parakeet. The prettiest bird, and Indian ring-neck.

My friend (the tall one) found a picture of one on the web for me. I put up a sign at the local shop but no-one's rung yet. It is so so so friendly and tame and beautiful, so I got a little cage and keep him/her in there when I'm out, but when I'm home I take him/her out and let him wander and crap all over the house. Tom (the cat) doesn't bother it, I just say, "No Tom" and he walks away and leaves the bird alone. Surprise and delight. Anyway, I've decided to keep it. And however we whistle, he copies almost perfectly. Somebody must be missing him awfully.  

You know, I guessed you'd been giving the Imposter Syndrome some thought. It's a powerful contradiction of a complex isn't it? A very good thing to reject. I'm working on that one, and have got my husband in the act to pull me up when he hears me doing it. He loves it. He's finally been licensed to correct me on something. hahahahahahaha :D

And I loved the story of the guy who says stuff to you on your way to work. It's sort of a cool social act with unknown consequences, huh?

What I think is good is when we learn to direct our anger and frustration at those who anger and frustrate us, and not take it on innocent victims and bystanders in our lives. That's the whole shit aspect of P/A. It's all they do. They never deal with there anger in a timely or appropriate manner, so those closest at home cop it's weird perversions. After all, they have to pervert it to justify it, and for it to make sense to them. Do you get what I mean?

Let's take my ex for example, let's say his car wouldn't start. It would end up getting taken on me and the kids. he had to justify this in his pea-brain, so he'd find some small thing to go psycho about to us/at us. When what he was really angry at was himself and the car.

So now, I find I'm learning about this stuff too. Like if something makes me angry, do something about it, to it, for it. Contain it to the actual thing/person. Don't allow it to bubble over and make a mess everywhere else. Don't justify it. Don't exaggerate it. Deal with it, then leave it behind or alone or whatever.

Yeah, that visitor post is actually a very good example. I do find such bullshit nonsense, factually unsound, tedious, frustrating and boring. Nobody else had to agree with me. And I migght add, privately just between you and me, I was suspicious. So I decided to say so. I gfelt good after I did. And even after my comment drew some fire, I still felt good and decided I felt no need to resile from anything I said, or apologise. I thought "Go suck a lemon, cause that's what I really think." hahahahaahahah.  For me, and I'm doing it a lot more out here in my real life, it's having very positive outcomes, and I don't find myself stewing and wishing I had of said something, and getting so frustrated I take it on others.

So where does that lead me? I think your mum was taking out all her internalised, undealt with resentments and hostilities and repressions on you. Didn't want to deal with her problems and responsibilities. Avoided them. Blamed them. Kidded herself that she fulfilled them. Lived in a fantasy. But the risk here, now, for the children of such people is that as the recipient of such 'nurturing' they could have absorbed that 'style' without wanting to or even realising it, and then end up doing the same inlater in life. That's what I wanted to talk to you about.

So then, if we're brave enough, how can we determine
a) if we do it
b) when we are most likely to do it
c) who we usually do it with
d) how often we do it
e) how we do it

I can't think of any more questions to add to that list, but I'm sure there are plenty more

Now I know visitor is a real nonsense comparison in some ways. But what I'm saying is, by dealing or expressing ourselves even with little things as they come up, we get a chance to be corrected, express our opinions, and grow our brains, hearts and psyche's. And also we begin to learn about and appreciate our own personal style, character, nature, and preferences. That's wholesome and positive, don't you think, for someone who just plain was never allowed to be, or express.

Anyway, I have to attend some domestic matters now. Like I'd better get that washing into the machine before it jumps in itself. I hope we can continue on this P/A topic at your leisure.

(((HIGS)))

CG

Dawning

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« Reply #207 on: May 12, 2004, 11:44:24 AM »
Hi!  

CG, "how to translate I love you?" when coming from my mother and others I don't trust means that what they are saying is "I can't love anyone who can't love me back."  

P, how's the cooking going?  Didn't buy any clothes, huh?  I have found that I can do wonders with those two skirts and that one pair of pants.  

WF, dance, dance, dance!  

I feel the need to apologize because I know I am scratching the surface with what is all going on but, recently, I've had to get back onto my freelance work.  I realized the toll the last conversation with ma had on me.  All work was put aside.  But I found this board and I hope you don't leave it, Portia because I like hearing what you have to say.  In fact, I like hearing what everyone has to say.  

CG, your - may I say it? - *shoot from the hip* approach has inspired me.  I have spent the last few days on yahoo msg boards sounding out my own voice and getting into dialogue with others without being afraid that I will be criticized or ridiculed.

Anyhoo, still here.  

Love,
Dawning.
"No one's life is worth more than any other...no sister is less than any brother...."

Portia

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« Reply #208 on: May 12, 2004, 01:01:28 PM »
Dawning, yes I love this thread too!

Quote
I feel the need to apologize


we'll stop that feeling one way or another when it ain't necessary! I like your idea of trying out a voice on another board...tempting...but I'll end up an net-crack-head I just know it...anyway, must away. Enjoy your evening (what time is it anyway with you?)...P

Dawning

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« Reply #209 on: May 13, 2004, 10:51:29 AM »
Portia wrote:

Quote
(what time is it anyway with you?)...


It's getting late.  I have suddenly realized how much pain I am carrying and that I need to call my therapist again.  But...but...but....isn't is nice when those whirling dervishes can be so devoted to their god that they join a monastery, and spin to commune with their god.  I would like to ask them what they do when they are not spinning.
"No one's life is worth more than any other...no sister is less than any brother...."