Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
healing
Dawning:
--- Quote ---I’m going now to go and try and buy myself some clothes –
--- End quote ---
Good luck with that, P. You inspire me. I am still wearing the same two skirts and one pair of pants since last October. Yikes!!
Btw, I am just getting into this thread (the last page anyway)....alot going on here. :)
~D.
Portia:
Hiya D! yep, still here...going now, but:
--- Quote ---I am still wearing the same two skirts and one pair of pants since last October. Yikes!!
--- End quote ---
You last bought clothes in October? I last bought a year ago (3 hours in one shop = 5 items). It's a major job. I just don't buy clothes. I saw your para about not buying clothes and food elsewhere. Do you mind if I put it here?:
--- Quote ---while I am fine working, vacationing, sleeping and using my computer for various reasons ....I have found it difficult to do other important things like go shopping for food and clothes. I am paying my bills, filing taxes, stuff like that. Only been like this since the end of March so been thinking it is a necessary phase and one I'm getting over as we now speak. But I have felt in a rut for a bit longer (as in can't decide how to go about getting what I want, questioning what I want so what I want changes all the time.........blech.)
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I just saw that you fulfil all your responsibilities to the outside world, but presumably the food and clothes are just for you? So maybe you don't feel worthy of the effort? (This is me.) I bet you make sure you buy cat food though? I have a very hard time just buying standard stuff just for me - like special olives which other half won't eat. I have a hard time justifying any expense if it's just for me. You? (I am going now.... :wink: ) P
Anonymous:
Hi Wildflower,
Bought this up top just in case you missed it. Or maybe you already have this site. Probably, I'm always behind the times. hahahahahah.
But anyway, just on the off-chance that it was too far behind for you to catch. Especially after my posting marathon here yesterday. :D
No worries if you already saw it, it's just me doing 'follow-up'. hahaha
--- Quote from: Anonymous ---Hi Wildflower, me again, 2 posts in one day. Whoooah, haven't done that in a while on this thread (d)
I posted to try to give you a good web-site. This is one that Rosencrantz posted here ages ago about passsive-agressives. Fingers crossed and here goes.
http://www.passiveaggressive.homestead.com/PATraits.html
Now I'll post this to you and try it to see if I got it right this time. hahahahahah, Not bloody likely, first time.
Just call me the 'Failed Web Page' poster.
CG
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Wildflower:
Hi CG,
I got it. I looked at it. And my eyes went :shock: :shock: :shock: .
That's my mom. And your ex? That's my mom, too. Hobbies all over the place. The kitchen was a lab. The bathroom was a smaller lab. The closets were crammed with hobby stuff. The garage was crammed with hobby stuff. Unfinished projects everywhere. People offering to buy things. Mom not wanting to go through the trouble of selling all her stuff. Happier to talk about it and do nothing. :shock:
She made me late for school every day because she needed to finish putting on her make-up. I got used to it. Even defended it. Believed I wanted to be late. Carried that over into my adult life. :shock:
I'm angry right now. Very angry. Feeling very betrayed. Every time I picture that poor girl getting beat up ... because she was already hurting ... I can hardly breathe I'm so angry. Correction. Every time I allow myself to realize - that was ME she was beating up. That was ME who was already hurting. That was ME she abandoned to my father. I GASP FOR AIR. I'm sooooooo angry.
I love her because she's my mother. But I hate her right now, too.
Wildflower
Wildflower:
Hey CG,
Feeling a bit better now. Really need to get a punching bag in my apartment I think :wink: .
I just came back to say, just in case, that it wasn't the article that upset me. It was shocking how much applies to her, and that's definitely given me a new path to follow, so thanks.
But, it's what mom said that upset me. It was small in a way, but it was the last straw. I kept backing away from that anger at her...heal...back away...heal...back away. Well, it dawned on me how maddening it must have felt to be there, being shoved down. How maddening it was to be dealling with all these things that were so beyond my control - and then be shoved down. To have my feelings denied, to be ridiculed for who I was, for struggling, for being confused, for being a kid. For sneezing??? :roll: And there it was...a whole big pocket o' anger.
--- Quote ---Can you tell me what you meant when you said "Not a lot of being down-to-earth involved." Is this related to the protective layers or ambitions or something else?
--- End quote ---
Yeah, I think this was related to the protective layers. Math (and some science) was abstract. True/False. The function resolved or it didn't. There was some funky cool stuff in higher math - even got as far as Chaos Theory! (Ironic? Never thought about it that way). But...no messy human stuff. No messy life stuff. Just functions. And answers. No passive-aggressive functions. No hostile variables. No shifting answers. It was an escape.
Yeah, there was some ambition there at times, but not too much. I was told I was good (and not living up to my potential of course), and there were times when I thought I might be a great mathematician some day. But then I got to college and with the help of a german professor, I discovered architecture and history and sociology. But you know what? I couldn't handle the open-endedness of those subjects for a long long time. And you know what else? I had MAJOR writer's block for years. I couldn't write. Now I look back and think, wow. That was some major voicelessness.
And while I'm rambling, would you believe that when I was in my first year of college, I told my mom as if it was the weirdest thing in the world,"People listen to me here." I wasn't being mean or hostile. I was really sharing it with her like, wow, isn't that bizarre? What's with people here? They listen...as if I actually have something to say. I so didn't get it, did I?
Anyway...I'm off. Time to clean up the cooking (distraction) mess I made in the kitchen tonight.
(((BIG HIGS))) on a lily pad
Wildflower
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